Phil helps to make your Counts As Armies less grey plastic, and more awesome. Fasten your seatbelts – awesome is up ahead. There has always been much talk (rumblings, if you will) about the pressures and annoyances of proxies and “counts as” armies. Never one to pass up the opportunities to watch an opponent’s face darken with “what the freaking hell”-ness, I have hitched my pony soundly to the drunken bandwagon. I have come up with a few 40k Counts As ideas to enlighten, inspire, and cause rumblings. None of them are quite “It’s a hot dog I glued to a base–y’know, for my hot dog guardsmen”-level lunacy, but should get the bizarro juices flowing nonetheless.
Author’s Note: Counts As Awesome is intended for entertainment purposes only. Phil Keeling does not assume responsibility for any ended friendships or tourney losses due to the use of the following units. Unless they work, in which case it was totally his idea. Please choose your criticisms carefully, as there are hurtful things you can’t take back, and editorialists have feelings too.
Or maybe they don’t.
Whatever.
Pictured: The Bell of Lost Souls editorial staff.
Black Flag Marines
Counts As: Chaos Noise Marines
What the hell?: Heavy and thrashy and angry to the core, the Black Flag Marines appear to only know how to play three to four different chords on their Sonic Blasters. However, the blistering dedication that they have to their craft has caused even Inquisitor Nikolai Bahdroff to admit that they had an “effing awesome sound” shortly before he was executed for heresy.
Storming in heavy boots across the battlefields of the universe, they are led by Lord Heimrich Rolfo–a terror of muscle, sinew, and fading tattoos. Rolfo is easily identified on the battlefield as the one who has inevitably torn his armor off while peering over the combat zone with a microphone in hand, babbling incoherent spoken word to all who pass beneath his blackened gaze.
“Death to the False Emperor! Also, shirts!”
Advice On Minis: I vote for Catachan upper torsos on Chaos Marine legs. So bottom heavy that they’ll never fall over, man–NEVER! That, or Orks. And bonus points for free-hand painting all those tattoos.
The Guys At The Store
Counts As: Imperial Guardsmen
Seriously–what the hell?: This is one for the project junkies among us–someone with a sociopathic attention to detail could really enjoy this. The Guys At The Store is the name of an elite unite of the Emperor’s Finest–who happen to look and dress exactly like the people who frequent your favorite game store.
This is where creativity and baldfaced lies posing as ignorance come in handy–because the last thing you want to do is admit that you designed, altered, and painstakingly crafted a single mini to look just like the weekend Tau player who screams at his dice and has the glandular problem. Speaking of which, hope you bought a lot of green stuff.
It doesn’t have to be all negative, though: perhaps your crush has always wanted to be a Commissar. They do say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Just be careful with it–“subtle” is the name of the game.
“It’s a coincidence that you both have the same names and measurements, Emma–a coincidence!“
Advice On Minis: Chisel up some Guardsmen, or put yours together with green stuff and paperclips–have fun with it! That, or Orks.
My Little Pony: 40k Slaughter Funfest
Counts As: Tyranids
Dude… I just… huh?: Friendship is magic, but you know what else is magic? Necromancy! Yes, it turns out that when everyone’s favorite equestrian pals became a spacefaring culture, the Warp smashed into their culture like patchouli oil into a west-coast hipster’s dreadlocks.
Turns out friendship is a hell of a gateway drug.
With the merest glimpse into the unfolded secrets of the vastness of the planes of Chaos, the Ponies dedicated themselves to pain, hedonism, and glorious suffering, all in the names of the ruinous powers.
Citizens of the Imperium lie awake in their beds imagining the horrible screams of terror as a horrendously scarred and babbling Pinkie Pie leads the charge of swarms of vicious little ponies. Their cries of agony go unheard as bones are torn from the socket by the most adorable monsters the universe has yet seen. Seriously: through all the blood, the whole thing’s just precious.
Advice On Minis: In the absence of Gaunts to shave down (they do have hooves, after all), there’s nothing to stop you from buying up some Rough Riders, or even rebasing some Fantasy cavalry units. Just remember to take the infantry off of their backs. A My Little Pony Murder Army is never ridden: she rides.
That or Orks.
Do you have a favorite Counts As army of your own? Could you glue an old Transformer to a 60mm and keep a straight face? Do you own some stock in green stuff?
