40k: Hiding Your Addiction

 

mystery-man

Pimpcron teaches you how to hide your purchases from spouses.

Fancy meeting you all here! This week your trusted confidant Pimpcron is going to help you hide your wargaming addiction from your significant others. There are millions of wargamers affected by this affliction every year; and there is no known cure. So here are some ways you can cover it up.

First of All, Hide Your Purchases

What is a wargamer but just a wallet to be emptied by our plastic crack dealers? While you try to get professional help, you will have to hide your purchases in the meantime.

Under Your Shirt

The simplest place to smuggle in your newly gotten gains is under your shirt. But not only is it obvious, but you’ll have to immediately deliver it to your game storage area. Most keen observers will know something is up when there are sharp corners sticking out of your shirt. You could wear a jacket to help buffer the outline of your box, but not in the warmer months.

“Hold It For a Friend”

Ah, the old phrase that hearkens back to your teenage days. The trick here is to walk in with a fake complaint and address the new item immediately. Ya know, get in front of the issue like a politician. “Man, I just noticed that I accidentally picked up [insert friend’s name]’s box he bought.”

So then you leave the box sitting around for a while and your partner gets used to seeing it. Preferably hide it in your gaming area. Eventually your partner will forget about it and it’s yours!

Change The Package

You need to unbox your purchase and find a new, unsuspecting package to bring it into the house with. DO NOT, under any circumstances choose a package that your investigator will be interested in opening. For example, if we are talking about a female partner, a poor choice of box-switching would be things like feminine hygiene products, chocolates, or a box labeled “pumpkin spice”. If the partner is male, poor choices would include boxes that used to contain meat, alcohol, or porn. Use your head people. The elderly love denture glue, parents will open boxes of coupons, and girlfriends will open anything that might even remotely smell like another woman. Just stick with stereotypes and you’ll probably be fine.

man-tamponsNo you fool! She will find all of your recent purchases!

Kiester It

This method is for only the most dedicated guilt-ridden gamers. It originates in the prison system and involves exactly what it sounds like it involves. On the plus side, your spouse is very unlikely to find it as you smuggle it into the house via body cavity. On the down side . . . is every other aspect of doing this.

Part of the problem is that you’ll have to unpackage the item(s) and God help you if you bought anything Chaos. Those things are covered in spikes. But where there is a will, there is a way and unless your significant other works for the TSA, they will never find it. It is normally recommended to wash your models before priming to remove any mold release residue, and this point is probably much more important than usual if you have used this method. Paint pots are probably the best choice if you feel that you must smuggle something this way.

Secondly, Hide the Evidence

Paying For All of This

What you need to do in order to covertly pay for this stuff, is hide it somewhere in your budget. If you use some sort of budgeting app like Peachtree or something that your significant other has access to, hide your purchases on an unrelated line item. It’s best to choose something in your budget that nobody will find out about for many years to come. Do you set aside money for your kids’ college? Sounds like somebody’s getting a Reaver Titan! Have dental work you need done? Make that a line item as if you’re saving for it, but use it to feed your plastic crack addiction! If we are being honest, pretty much any of us would be willing to deal with a lifetime of degenerative dental health and ever-increasing mouth pain to buy more little men.

toothless-man-2“I can’t chew anything tougher than yogurt, but you should see my army!”

Hobbyist “Track Marks”

If you hobby for any amount of time, you’ll know what I mean by Hobby Track Marks. It’s those little tiny red lines of scabs that checker-board our hands from hobby knife cuts. This will be one of the first things a loved one will look for when they suspect you’ve fallen off the wagon. Let’s say you’re wife is away and you’ve pulled out your secret stash of sprues that you hide in your attic. You greedily assemble your little soldiers, and then it happens: your knife slips and you accidentally leave a ¼ inch cut in your finger. You need to immediately sterilize, close and seal the wound with something like Liquid Bandage. If you can stop the bleeding, then the scab line won’t form! Then you can keep assembling your dirty secret without being caught . . . for now.

Meeting For Games in Secret

You need to find an underground group of guys that need to hide their obsession from their loved ones like you do. Discretion is paramount in this secret society, and it can be tricky to set up gaming meet-ups. I’m not allowed to publish any of our Dark Net forums or our secret handshakes we use, but if you hang around gaming stores during your lunch break long enough, you’ll figure it out. Though I can tell you some of our code words we use for things, so you will at least know what people are really talking about when you hear it.

9RD-1883-0-0-A1 Geheime Zusammenkunft / Gem.v.Repin Russisches Reich / Revolutionaere Be- wegungen. - 'Geheime Zusammenkunft'. - Geheimversammlung der revolutionaeren Volkstuemler (Narodowolzen). Gemaelde, 1883, von Ilja Repin (1844- 1930). Oel auf Leinwand, 104 x 173 cm. Inv.Nr. 6312 Moskau, Tretjakow-Galerie. E: Secret Meeting / Repin / 1883 Russian Empire / Revolutionary untests. - 'Secret Meeting'. - Secret meeting of the revolutionary Narodnaia volia. Painting 1883, by Ilja Repin (1844- 1930). Oil on canvas, 104 x 173cm. Moscow, Tretjakov Gallery.

Okay guys, so back here next week at the same time?

Here are the terms we use for the different armies:

Shrooms – Orks

Guppies – Tau

Church – Space Marines

Pennies – Adeptus Mechanicus

Boom – Imperial Guard

Pr0n – Dark Eldar

Skinnies – Eldar

Spikes – Chaos

Scales – Daemons

NomNoms – Tyranids

Nickels – Grey Knights

Bolts – Imperial Knights

Here are the sales terms we use when describing the condition and number of what we’ve got for sale:

“Basic” – Still on the sprue

“Unbuttered” – Assembled, not primed

“Buttered” – Assembled & primed

“Clown” – Bad to medium paint job

“Choice” – Above standard paint job

“Primo” – Pro-painted

“Crumb” – Single model

“Slice” – Complete unit

“Loaf” – Vehicle

“Bakery” – A large lot of assorted models

Now that you know our lingo, let’s take a test just to make sure you don’t get it wrong and make a fool of yourself.

dark alley

A dude comes up to you in a dark alley behind a Gamesworkshop store. He gets really close and whispers, “Yo man, I just got my hands on a hot new Guppy Bakery. The whole Bakery is Primo, except for two of the slices being Choice and one being Clown. You wanna see ‘em?”

I’ll let you figure it out. I’ve said too much already. I better go. I hear wife-sounding footsteps.

[I yell behind me, “No honey, of course I’m not blogging again! That’s ridiculous! You know I’ve been clean for months!”]

Okay, this is all ridiculous, or is it? How far would go to hide your obsession?

Want to witness my slow descent into madness, first-hand? Check out my blog at www.diceforthedicegod.com

Pimpcron Signature
  • Yosef BenSadon

    or just be sincere and explains what you buy, she/he would understand.

    • David Leimbach

      LOOOOOL

    • Now THAT is satire…

    • Dennis J. Pechavar

      Usually it’ll be the comment, “Why are you buying that? You have too much stuff already.” But you can dream.

    • 6Cobra

      My wife loves me, but hates every aspect of this hobby. She’s jealous of the time I spend painting, resents the time I spend with other gamers on (rare) weekend evenings, and is APPALLED that any sane person would spend this much money on “dolls.” Her reaction when I buy a new kit is actually like I had taken the equivalent amount of cash and lit it on fire for fun.

      And so because I just don’t want to deal with that crap when I get home from work, I keep the small purchases on the sly and only be honest and take my lumps on the big stuff she’s sure to notice.

      • Marky

        Id just get a divorce…think of the children!

      • Muninwing

        my wife and i first started dating when i was working two jobs… and the second one was at a GW store. she’s come in with me just to spend time with me.

        she started painting soon after, and enjoys the hobbyist (but not the gaming) aspects of 40k. she’s got about 1500 points of daemonettes, and enough parts to eventually build 1500 points of Sisters of Slaanesh.

        we also are saving up for a house down-payment, and i need another Masters Degree to get what will evntually be a 20% raise, so we’ve started budgeting like crazy. we each have $20/week to spend as we see fit. i’ve been saving mine inc ase of the HH starter being worth it. if it isn’t, i’ll probably pick up a second Knight. but we equalize, and moderate. she even gets a little more than i do (because of certain necessities i don’t have and she does).

        it’s not actually a big deal, not if you’re honest and even about things.

      • Garrett Sorensen

        does she have no hobbies? seems so strange that she would look on this with such disdain.

    • eehaze

      Exactly! My experience is that women tend to react well to tabletop gaming much better than they react to video games.

      • chip6793

        No kids huh? 😉

        If I’m caught, I’m going to hurt.. Lol

  • Nogle

    The one idea reminds me of when I was in high school and my dad found my “friends tobacco pipe”. Lol

  • Voorhees

    Buttered skinny loaf–hah. College fund? Looks like someone is getting a reaver Titan–LOL. Hilarious. Best article I’ve read in recent memory–and of immediate application with all the crazy tau mecha calling my name.

  • Shardak

    What?

  • Erik Setzer

    If I had someone I had to go to lengths to hide part of who I am from, it’d be a blaringly obviously clue that we’re not supposed to be together and not going to work out in the long run.

    But hey, if people are so desperate for someone that they’ll live a lie to keep that person around, have fun with that. It’ll end in tears eventually, but hey, for now you can enjoy being afraid your significant other will find out what makes you happy.

    • Knight_of_Infinite_Resignation

      I think you might be taking this a little too seriously!

      • ZeeLobby

        Yeah. Seems to have gone over several people’s heads…

      • Marky

        It’s funny, but underneath it all is the very real problem of controling partners. …

        If you don’t think it’s ok to be cruel to your loved one then how can it be ok to get nasty comments about that Necromunda gang you just got on eBay for only $140

        I think you should all test your relationships. Work out what you need to live off on pay day.. take the rest of the money, devide it by 2 (there’s 2 of you in this relationship, right) and spend “your half” on wargames immediately..

        Go home all excited and show your partner.. puppy dog excited… Big happy smile.. don’t hide your love for your new toys (you worked hard and you bought them)..

        If your partner get angry, upset, mean or tells you it was a bad idea… End it right there and then.

    • True. Normally the best part of having someone is SHOWING them the part of who you are.

      Oh, wait, I think I misunderstood what you meant…

    • 6Cobra

      Wow.
      More power to you, Eric. I hope your inanimate plastic soldiers realize how lucky they are to have such a dedicated man in their lives. As for me if I ever actually *had* to choose between the human being I have a family with, and my plastic toys… the minis, paints, books and dice would be in the trash faster than I can type this post. I’m certainly lucky I don’t have to make that choice.

      • Marky

        If anyone gives me an altamatum, then I think about whether I am in the wrong based on my own morals (did I spend the food money on a bit for my bike for example). If I can’t find a fault with myself then I go with the opposite of what the person making me choose wants.

        But we seem to be getting a little serious for comment on a funny story on a wargame site 🙂

    • Its satire Erik. Not everyone is as surious as u all the time 😉

  • I would never be with someone that I had to hide things like this from.

    • Muninwing

      me neither. but i’m lucky enough to not have to.

      • Marky

        No one has to

  • Matt

    Clever article. Great job. Some of the readers need to learn what satire means.

  • Slaanesh_Devotee

    We would definitely need to agree an entertainment budget, even if it was only £100/month each.

    Otherwise, screw that, I’ll stay by myself.

  • Another Biased Opinion

    Excellent!

    I my self have used the ‘Got it for a Friend’ line to my wife, as well as ‘It was on sale’.

    Apart from that a lot of my stuff is from mail order so she never see it as it goes straight in the loft and comes back down in dribs and drabs…

    • Brian Boateng

      lol my other half still thinks I only paid £90 for the warzone alpha bundle and some extra buildings all on sale! she clearly doesn’t know Gamesworkshop and thankfully she doesn’t ever visit bols I hope!

      • Me

        Especially if that is your real name…

        • Brian Boateng

          Haha school boy error. Doh

          • Blackfel

            Unless you want your Significant Other to find out what you’ve been doing behind her back, BRIAN BOATENG, bring a bakery of basic guppies (the good stuff, not the outdated crap!) and leave it behind the dumpster by that bar you like.

          • This had me rolling. lol. Too funny Blackfel!

  • D. B.

    Or get a hobbyist significant other.

    • ZeeLobby

      Even hobbyist significant others can be shocked by quantity.

      • D. B.

        Mm, true. But you won’t have to do it on a regular basis.

        That said, this naturally makes clandestine binges a lot less doable, as, in a relationship which encompasses the hobby, you would be playing against each other.

        “…and where exactly did you get that Warlord Titan?”

        “That??! It, er, is just very well scratchbuilt. Had it for years. Yes, it looks exactly like the FW one. Coincidence, eh?” *panicky smile*

  • Maus

    “Where did that model come from?”
    “Oh this? I’ve had it for ages — I figured I’d better get it built & painted before I let myself get anything new”

    repeat as necessary

    • D. B.

      Considering I have piles and piles of those lying around, this would be a believable excuse. Unpainted, one mini looks a lot like the other.

      Best not try this with models with mold stamps like “GW 2015”, though.

      • It’s okay, with GW you can pretend 2015 is the price.

        • D. B.

          Which gets you exactly in the same trouble as before, so not really an option…

          • But then you say you had bought it before you met her, when your life was empty of meaning and all you had to spend your money on was toy soldiers. Now that she is part of your life, you have purpose, you have a reason to become a better man.

            It’s right up there with “the cheque’s in the post” and “I was just whispering into her mouth”.

          • D. B.

            That is not bad at all. *writes down note to self* Though personally, I’d top it off with “You know how much I love my minis – and I love you even more”, rather than dismissing them as “toy soldiers” – the latter wouldn’t fly, as we are too obviously infatuated with our plastic/resin/metal crack.

          • Nicely done. 🙂

            Although you know when they talk to their girlfriends, they refer to our hobby as Toy Soldiers, but maybe you’re right, we shouldn’t let them know that we know that.

            PS none of these tricks will work for Kingdom Death models.

          • D. B.

            Naaah, mine’s of the hobbyist persuasion. She’ll occasionally refer to them as “stinking Mon-Keigh”, but that is another matter.

  • ZeeLobby

    Guess a lot of people can’t grasp satire or are ignorant of the word addiciton or that they may have one. I’m pretty sure I couldn’t explain my way out of purchasing a Warlord titan, regardless of how “pro-hobby” my wife is even if we had the money. “You spent that much on that?!?!”

    • Just call it Bobby, put a beanie hat on it and take it to the park occasionally. She’ll just think you are broody.

      • ZeeLobby

        Too bad I would be ashamed to take it outside unpainted, and my lack of painting it would only cause her to scorn me for anything else I buy: “You haven’t even painted Bobby yet!!!”

  • Alhazred TheMad

    Love it, damn funny. Caught myself doing this sometimes.

  • GaryT

    Standard response to being caught with secret gaming purchase – “Sorry dearest. Look on the bright side, at least it’s not porn.”

  • David Leimbach

    Always pay in cash and “lose” the receipt. Sheesh was that so hard?

    • This man is a pro.

    • That’s what GW wants you to do with Finecast. No returns! 🙂

  • Or, buy a second apartment in the city, that you use for those times you have to “work late” and don’t want to wake her when you come in. Get all your deliveries to there (including bank and credit card statements), and drop off your clandestine purchases before you come home. You can blame your cuts and scratches on impromptu repair work. Women only check for blonde hairs and the smell of perfume on your clothes. Plastic shavings and glue are just fine.

    Don Draper would have played 40K if it’d been around back then.

    • Your dedication to hiding your addiction IS OVER 9000!

  • TheSlann

    loved it 😉

  • nurglespuss

    Just do what I do, blurt out ‘I bought models!’ And then laugh, cause its just fine 🙂 (she goes back to knitting).

  • TumbleWeed

    I always use the ol’ standby, “Pimpcron made me do it!” The girlfriend is trying to find you as we speak, beware!

  • Damistar

    Thanks for the weekly chuckle. You’ve got a talent for finding the funny quirks in the hobby.

    • One of the best comments I’ve received. Thanks very much Damistar.

  • Dennis J. Pechavar

    Nice.

  • Commissar Molotov

    She made the mistake of buying really expensive dust ruffles for the bed one time that looked ridiculous when we got them home, but couldn’t be returned. Now if she gives me hell about a purchase, I just say “well, it was less than those DUST RUFFLES.”

    I figure I can use this for another year or two. Those things were really, REALLY expensive.

  • Xcuse me, I’m french

    What about a dust reserve in order to cover a brand new GW box: “hey honey, look at what i found in the garage! I remember this as my birthday gift when i was 15! I totally forgot it! Funny, isn ´it?” (Works only once)

  • Justin Pettett

    LOL this is hilarious. Pimpcron is the only guy worth reading on this site

    • That comment made my day! Thanks Justin.

  • Andrew Thomas

    Serious advice: always pay cash, always use your vehicle when you can, never walk like you’ve got something to hide. And remember: it’s a TOY.

    • Shiwan8

      A friend of mine explained the hobby to my significant other in a way that pretty much gave me a free pass on…almost anything rational really. “In the end it’s a bunch of grown men playing with dolls.”

  • Shiwan8

    Optionally get a woman that is worth it, meaning among other things that she lets you be you.

    • Shiwan8

      As an added note, I’m a bit nervous because of the coming HH box and Fallout 4. The first because it might be hard to explain buying 3 of those in any other way than that “I wanted to have them” and the Fallout will just obliterate my social life for week.

    • My wife is actually near-sainthood with acceptance. I mean, of the stuff she finds out about. 🙂

      • Shiwan8

        Awesome!

  • Drew_Da_Destroya

    I seriously have a shroom crumb that I’ve been calling a clown for years (a friend’s little brother painted it, it’s hilariously bad). Didn’t know I was using an official underground term until today, though!

    Legitimacy! Huzzah!

    • Sure, you “didn’t know”. Your partner reads these comments don’t they?

  • Defenestratus

    Simple.

    wallet.google.com

    Get a wallet card, load it up with what you need. Tell the wife you’re eating out with it or something. Buy minis with it instead.

    It’s essentially money laundering.

  • God help you if its chaos

    Hahahahahahah awesome.

    As is was reading I was wondering how many people actually remembered your a satirical writer lol. Apparently. Not very many.

    • The “GW 20-year plan” article said it was satire in the first paragraph and a few people still didn’t get it. Then people commented and said that stating the fact that it is satire makes it not-satire. But I was figured if I said it out-right, then nobody would be confused. I failed. lol

      • Naw. People are too hard on people myself included there. Just do what you do. I know you know this but ill still say it:cant please everyone

  • mac40k

    Best article in a long, long time!

    • Glad to hear mac40k, thanks for chiming in!

  • Shiwan8

    Oh yeah, forgot to say this, I think this article was awesome. Many men out there can actually use all of this. 😀

  • 6Cobra

    Yo, P-Cron. You need to expand the purchasing advice portion. My wife’s a CPA; there’s no hiding any purchases if theres any kind of digital footprint. If I need to buy something online, I have to do the calculus: she’s *going* to know, and I’ll be in the doghouse for ‘x’ number of days depending on the cost.. is it worth it? If yes, cha-ching. If not.. I go for option #2.
    I always keep a reasonable cash slush fund from missed lunches, spare change, loose single bills, etc. This enables me to buy enough untraceable small stuff like blisters, supplies, etc to “feed my need” between big purchases, without having to pay the grumpy-lady penalty.

    • Anthony Shannon

      Pre pay debit card. You load on your slush fund and order online. Be sure to have it delivered to your office, rather than home. Then you carry it home in your briefcase and sneak it into your wip refurb of old models.

    • Sorry man, if your wife is a CPA you are out of luck. She will audit your butt!

  • Mr.Gold

    A way to hide purchases: travel with large figure cases to your hobby center, buy models at GW or similar, make them up, and keep them in the storage case for a while, when you bring them out to show (Partner/parents/siblings) you can legitimately say “I have had had them for a while” (also throw packaging away in the store once you have built the models).

    a way to hide the cost: Pay for everything in Cash (and use cash to pay for everything else – it makes transactions so hard to trace – trust me on this I am an Accountant!), by paying for things like drinks down the pub, groceries, petrol etc. unless you have receipts no oone will know how much you have paid for something…

    and as for hobbyist marks: do lots of DIY around the house, if a hobby knife slips etc. you can claim you were doing DIY whilst (Partner/parents/siblings) was away, (although make sure you actually do some of that as well so you can show them what you have done…

  • Guv’nor

    He he he made me chuckle pimpcron thanks. I love you light hearted hobby solutions but i got to say my favourite way is to remove shrink wrap then scuff up the box a bit and boosh ebay item half the price half the hassle.

    • Thanks Guv’nor. That is pretty clever. I’ll have to use that one.

  • Spacefrisian

    Buy/build stuff at gaming club and ditch the package, problem solved

  • uatu13

    Pretty funny article, but I’ve seen quite a few gamers that are probably this pathetic. I think you forgot the most important step though – growing a pair of balls and explaining that you have the right to have hobbies. For just this reason very early on in my relationship with my partner I set up ground-rules that her money is her money and my money is my money, and past splitting bills we can buy whatever we’d like. It’s prevented A LOT of fights and kept my balls neatly out of her purse!

  • treadhead2

    The first rule of game club is no talking about game club.

  • Xodis

    lol too funny, but yeah I hate those looks when I want to get something new, but we made a deal and shes enforcing the “nothing new until something old gets painted” rule I wanted so she actually helps motivation.

  • James Squyres

    Good article. I enjoyed the light hearted nature of it. I’ll have to keep my “pennies” rotating so it never appears there’s any more 😉 lol

  • Andrew Duncan

    Easy solution is to keep the number of armies in the spare room less than the number of pairs of shoes in the walk on wardrobe!

  • Limey_ElJonson

    Isn’t this a reiteration of “Cheating on your wife with 40K” by the Independent Characters?

    • Maybe. I know who they are (were) but I’ve never listened to them.

  • Vomkrieg

    I get the satire and it’s quite funny, but I seriously know some guys who do some of this stuff.

    Always makes me laugh and thankful for the fact my partner is a massive geek who plays games and “gets it”. She prefers Board gaming to war gaming, but it was her that got us all the boxes of Zombiecide for example.

  • Wife of Pimpcron

    Thanks Pimpy… If only this was satire.

  • Herbert Lawrence Praskey

    My penny bakery needs buttering. Don’t know how I’m going to kiester any bolts…