Dirty Secrets of the Wargaming World EXPOSED!

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Pimpcron risks it all to blow the whistle. Read it before they take it down!

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Hello there, friends. Pimpcron has turned whistle blower to finally shed some light on this subversive and complex industry. Hold onto your seats kids, I’m about to blow your mind.

The Illuminati Controls Everything

From preventing new Chaos Space Marines and Tyranid Codex, to editing my articles, the Illuminati controls everything in the wargaming world. But who are they? I don’t have the clearance to actually know who pulls the strings. But I have it on good authority that it is the wealthiest international bankers that make sure Space Marines keep getting new stuff while other races flounder. And it’s the European Royalty that killed the Specialist Games, while the Yakuza keep the Sister’s of Battle update from coming. The American Mafia is to blame for Unbound and the Apocalypse-ification of 40k; while a coalition of Movie Directors have squatted the Squats. And of course the media is complicit in this whole operation. Celebrities from all walks of life, currently popular to one-hit-wonders make up the huge labyrinth of secret bureaucracy that monitors all wargaming trends.

For instance, the detachment that I have to submit all of my articles to for censoring is also the ones that are the liaisons to BoLS. It’s headed by Steve Urkel from Family Matters. He oversees all of the goings-on in the department, and his title is Supreme Lord Chieftain Urkel. You might think that’s weird, but they get to name their own positions, and they usually go by their fictional character names. I’m not sure why; probably something Satanic about it.

steve_urkelYep, that’s my boss.

Under him is his Assistant-to-the-Supreme Lord Chieftan, Mango from Saturday Night Live fame. He is the one who has the pleasure of actually reading over my articles each week and making sure that what I’m writing fits their narrative. “I don’t see any mention at all of how we haven’t updated the CSM book. You better complain about it, remind people of that anguish.” Or, “You need to take out all of this talk about unity and goodwill. Put in more complaining.” Or, “We are gonna switch gears here: we used to ask you to complain that the release schedule was too slow. Now that GW has sped up their release schedule, start complaining that’s too fast.”

mango He’s a lot of fun at the company Christmas parties.

Finally, the person I have the most contact with and who is responsible for most of my article ideas is the guy who voiced the Kool-Aid Man in the 1990’s commercials. He goes by Totally Rad Adjunct to Unimatrix Awesome, Kool-Aid Man. And if you don’t say his entire title every time you talk to him he gets mad. To make matters worse, he always has to say , “Oh Yeah!” when you say it. Drives me nuts. You might think that with his totally cool 90’s attitude that he’d be easy to work with. Not at all.

kool-aidTotal douche bag.

So Why Is Wargaming So Important?

You might ask yourself, “Why do they care about wargaming?” Well whether you know it or not, learning things like when to assault into cover and when not to is a pretty good skill we develop. Target priority, cover saves, and other aspects of the game teach us military skills that terrify the powers that be. So they have figured out that the best way to keep us down is to keep us at each others throats, lest we rise up and create a better world.

The premium prices we pay for this game helps pay for giant secret laser batteries, portals to other realms, and funding to keep Big Foot under-wraps. It takes a lot to pay off all of those Big Foots from coming forward. So while we grumble about high miniatures prices, the elites enjoy zero-G lingerie parties, exchanging brownie recipes with aliens on Pluto, and generally living it up.

aliens-trading“One of my cows is a small price to pay for your famous Rocky Road brownie recipe.”

They prevent the CSM and Nid codexes from being updated because they enjoy our misery. They are the same ones who used to put unit entries into codexes that didn’t have a model to go with them. Forcing people to make their own in an attempt to make us miserable. When they realized that people actually enjoyed kitbashing models, they stopped doing that. They are also responsible for making the Void Shield Generator a limited-release so that most people didn’t get one. Then, when many people had bought third-party models, or made their own, they release the model again for purchase.

What is Life Like Working for the Illuminati?

Well as a 40k blogger, not too bad. I just have to be sure to include plenty of negativity in each article to keep the general spirit of the people down, and otherwise they let me have free reign. The Kool-Aid Man guy gives me the topic I have to talk about each week which is dependent on the cycles of the moon and the alignment of the stars that week. To please the gods, obviously. Then I ramble about it and submit it to Mango. Once I get approval from Mango, we meet on a wooded hill dressed in black robes at midnight. We light some candles, sacrifice a miniature to the Dark Gods for blessing, and it gets sent to Larry for posting.

Other than that, it’s like every ordinary job. Deadlines, contract killings, equinox orgies, budget meetings, occasional demonic possession of a co-worker, etc, etc. I can only assume that I’ll go missing as soon as this posts so: it’s been fun guys. If you see a Pimpcron article posted next week, it can only be because they replaced me with a more obedient clone. But at least the truth got out.

What Are Your First Impressions of This Revelation?

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  • Diagoras

    I KNEW IT! Finally, my suspicions are confirmed!

    A pleasure to read, as always. Keep up the excellent work, sir.

  • Bergh

    While this is meant to be funny, and it is.
    I can’t stop feeling the GW fanboy in the article.
    Why do people defend Games Workshop as a company? I don’t really think they do stuff that great.

    • The Rout

      You mean aside from the best looking minis and best background lore of any wargame? They do have their flaws obviously. Pricing, prioritising armies for update, rules bloat and rules cheese to name a few.

      But the things they do so well are enough for me to forgive some of those flaws and i think those who continue to pay and play (and complain) must have made that same assessment too.

      Dont get me wrong, i hate a lot of things about GW but i also love a lot of things too. Kind of like an abusive partner, they may be a f******** d******** but they don’t mean it, and they give such good snuggles, and they can change!

      • jcdent

        “You mean aside from the best looking minis and best background lore of any wargame?”
        And that’s it. Nothing else is good.

        Everybody knows that X-Wing is the perfect game, but it just doesn’t have Space Marines. It can’t have Space Marines. All Space Marine fliers other than Thunderhawk are ugly and stupid.

        • Emprah

          I like the Storm Eagle too.

          • jcdent

            I’m partial to Stormtalons, because they’re so small and cute. Awww, it wants to be an actual flier, so cute.

        • The Rout

          I’d say those are 2 pretty major things. And i like the stormwolf, its silhouette looks like a wolves head 🙂

          • euansmith

            R’real?! What kind of crazy coincidence is that?!

          • The Rout

            i know right!

          • jcdent

            You would expect a game to be, you know, fun to play.

            Unless you’re Tom Kirby.

          • The Rout

            I actually really enjoy the game. crazy I know! I spend hundreds of pounds and hundred of hours on something and actually enjoy it? Almost like that’s why I’d be reading an article about it on the internet.

            I’m just so weird like that! I guess normal people just spend hundreds of pounds and hundreds hours on something, then read articles about it just to hate…. wish I was normal like you friend unfortunately I R fanboy….

          • ZeeLobby

            It’s more like I’ve “spent” thousands of dollars on a game I did enjoy, but has gone way downhill as far as gameplay goes. Unlike an old videogame where I can just pop in the older disc and play it again, most people don’t want to play an older version of 40K/Fantasy.

          • euansmith

            Tom Kirby, “You don’t play the game! THE GAME PLAYS YOU! Now, get back to collecting!”

          • jcdent

            OTIOSE AND NICHE!

            *cracks whip*

          • euansmith

            😀 😀 😀

          • euansmith

            That needs to be a t-shirt.

          • jcdent

            http://rdbl.co/2cIjhjZ

            How about this? 9000 hours in Photoshop and all that!

          • euansmith

            Wow, mad skills! 😉

          • jcdent

            Check out the rest of the store.
            Buy three of each.

        • rtheom

          Uaagh. X-Wing is the perfect game? You keep your dirty opinions to yourself! :p

        • That is the most important thing though, background. The game only works to the extent that you are in a setting that you enjoy. I’d argue setting is also the key to X-Wing’s success

          • Severius_Tolluck

            Yeah if it was the greatest game, why does its predeccesors Wings of War / Glory die? Why is it that the Star Trek variant and DnD variant, as well as mice and mystics not on top? They all use the same core mechanics…. All about the setting…

          • Exactly

          • jcdent

            Why is Aeronautica Imperials even dead-er than the ones you mentioned?

          • jcdent

            Counterpoint: I play Infinity, the objectively better game, and I can’t muster any fs to give about the background. It’s just… not clicking with me, at all.

          • Haha that’s literally why I haven’t been able to get into infinity yet

          • euansmith

            Setting and sound effects… “Aaaaaarrrrrooow! Peew! Peew! Peew! Peew!”

          • DAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKA

      • Mira Bella

        You do realize that “best looking minis and best background” is totally subjective right?
        Not that I personally would disagree. Well at least not on the background part.

        • The Rout

          Very true . Should have said highest quality models and most extensive background. That’s factually accurate right? (genuine question not sarcasm or rhetoric)

          • ZeeLobby

            They definitely do produce with the best plastic and the least defects. Their machinery is definitely top notch. It helps when your profits dwarf the competitions even with years of falling sales. aesthetically I think they lost some of their edge, but that’s subjective. It’s something about the poses of their models which just seem very un-alive. They remind me of GIJoes being posed at times. That said, it’s not consistently bad across the line. The new genestealer cult models are dynamic and not posed awkwardly.

          • zeno666

            The least defects?
            Well just let me remind everyone that they’re still doing those awful Failcast-things 😉

          • ZeeLobby

            Haha. Notice I said plastic. Probably should have followed with proper plastic. I consider fail cast and resin a whole separate category not worth even mentioning. I mean at least resin issues might be expected from a niche product line like FW’s but Finecast is just a thing of pure evil…

          • Mira Bella

            Hmm I would say High quality models and unique background.
            Im not sure if GW is producing the best plastic miniatures anymore.
            Kingdom of Death has some pretty amazing plastic sprues. Gundam models are huge, detailed and even articulated!

            The background (which I love very much) is certainly absolutely
            unique, but Im pretty certain that the Star Wars and Star Trek backgrounds are bigger (and more cohesive) by a fair margin.
            I would still prefer 40k’s fluff over them but that’s my personal preference.

          • ZeeLobby

            Ah, KoD models are pretty spectacular.

          • The Rout

            Gundam models are nice from what ive seen but bigger tends to mean less intricate detail. Mech models are also a lot easier than models of living things too. Not familiar with KoD so couldn’t comment.

            Unfortunately most of Star Wars extended universe stuff got retconned by big D. Its not cannon now, its known as Star Wars Legends. Really sucks too because i loved the EU stuff and found the films (the only real canon now) dull and very middle of the road as far as sci fi goes. Never been a fan of Star trek though. Too vanilla for my tastes.

          • euansmith

            The models from Dreamforge use some amazing, multi-axis molding technology.

      • Doug

        Very well said! I feel that same way. The things they do well…they do REALLY well. I always go back to their minis. But I hate a lot of what they do at the same time.

        I will keep going back because I like the minis more than anywhere else. Every time someone suggests another company, I purchase minis and am just disappointed.

      • Drew

        I think the Tolkien estate would like a word or two about whose background is richer and of higher quality. Though I guess GW owns that game, too!

      • Richard Mitchell

        Do they though? Do they? I mean they can sculpt monsters, and people completely covered in armor, but what about humans. Fettle Alcohol Syndrome is a big problem in the 40k world. More AA meetings for mothers I think. But you look at Infinity, Malifaux, Dark Age they actually sculpt humans way better than GW. Also lore wise, I think 40k lore is great but much of the other lore I read is just as good.

        Malifuax: Don’t reallly enjoy the lore so much in this game, it is still just too everywhere. I enjoy the models in the game but lore wise not so much.

        BattleTech: Tight rules that vary from Total War to Alpha Strike in detail. Lore makes 40k and most of the games on this list look like a kids narrative. Best hard sci fi game lore wise. Models are great, Iron Winds, miniatures overprices them.

        Infinity: Rule set is tight but man special rules are 40k esq level of abundance. Models are customizable, which means no cards for easy reference..until they learn from FFG and just make upgrade cards to upgrade units. Lore wise, on par with Battletech and more representative of how modern warfare is really fought. 40k is sci fi space magic meets LOTR in scope for the battle field. Doesn’t make sense to me, no one fights like WWII anymore. In America we decimate larger armies and our actual fighting units are very small in size. Socio economics, tech, and method of fighting makes more sense in Infinity.

        Warmachine Hordes: Started off as an RPG and has been developing lore for 11 years now. The lore is deep and I like how they use their own sub genre of fantasy punk to connect with the real world. Stryker putting Menites on an island that was and was not a part of Cygnar to torture and interrogate them, totally lined up with Guantanamo. Bunch of military guys in my town picked up Menoth cause they thought they were good guys and didn’t realize until later that the force had more in common with the terrorists these soldiers just got home from fighting. Which made them play it more so they could get into the mindset of the enemy. Retribution is Vietnam vet era elves, Khador lore and growth is very similar to Russian history and the Russian mindset, Trollkin are Native Americans. The parallels between PP lore and our world is awesome.

        Dark Age: Mechanics are fun and fluid, the new models are…well terrific. I enjoy painting them and I enjoy how the lore is like Foundation meets Dune. I love how after the economic collapse humans still have tech and fly around but the society is fragmented and they only reason Attyr doesn’t interact with the greater portion of humanity is because Attyr is located in the a-hole of the galaxy. Reminds me a lot of my town, people come here, but no one leaves. Also Bible quotes within the books is pretty ballsy. No need to dress it up Saint Mark found a Bible and used it to control people and raise his station. There are other saints however whose faith is sincere.

        • Aezeal

          If you look at GW’s recent elves you’ll see GW sculpts humanoids perfectly.

      • rtheom

        Exactly, the reason we complain so much is because we enjoy what they do and feel invested as a result. Most of the complaints are from the same place as a disappointed parent watching their child eat that dog turd out in the yard you just told them was dog poo, but they did it anyway for reasons you’ll never fathom.

        • ZeeLobby

          Perfect analogy for any fanboy.

          • jcdent

            Kids don’t usually defend the dog poo as high cuisine, tho.

          • euansmith

            These are all points most excellently made.

    • Wayne Molina

      Honestly I think it’s because they don’t want to admit that they blew thousands of dollars on a poor game and support a company that sees/saw them as stupid rubes, although hopefully some of that is subsiding now (although it will still take a long while).

      I mean, I like the figures too. But it’s still a game at the end of the day, and GW’s game is one of the worst available. Their figures also tend to have specific flaws or issues, not with casting, but with presentation (lots of fiddly bits, more monopose etc.) but you so often see people so stuck in how GW’s aesthetics look that they refuse to see anything else as quality because it doesn’t look identical to the GW figures.

      I’m far from a fanboy, and I’ve spent more on GW products in the last 4 months than I ever did before, but I’m not going to pretend that the game is good or that GW is a good company, because they aren’t, although I also will happily admit they seem to be TRYING now, and that’s good. But I’m also aware of/interested in alternatives and find them to be just as good if not better than GW, just far too often I see the attitude of it’s not GW it can’t be good because it doesn’t look like GW.

      • euansmith

        I am often disappointed when I get minis from another manufacturer these days. I’ve become so conditioned to expect “Heroic 28mm”, that pretty much anything else looks weedy by comparison.

        I am actually moving towards Chibi figures now to get a dependable, “big-head” fix.

        That said, the minis for Fallen Frontier are amazing and make GW minis look positively whimpy.

        http://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/5ee6d33f132f3552fca35af3dc5a1f43787b3469a5cd8412590010fc8e44f71a.jpg

        • jcdent

          Just go 54mm and play Inquisitor!

          Historical players tend to complain that Bolt Action is kinda heroic scale. The only real problem with truescale dudes is that the guns don’t look that impressive.

          Unless you’re Spectre Miniatures.

          • euansmith

            Spectre’s Spec Ops are cracking; though I’d still like to get Hasselfree’s operators instead.

        • Wayne Molina

          I think it depends on aesthetics a lot, but a lot of people let aesthetics cloud everything else. I find a lot of other manufacturer’s models to be just as good, if not better, than GW, but I also realize that they won’t look identical to the GW design. Someone who loves how Space Marines look, for example, will often never accept that any other “big guy in power armor” model looks as good as a GW Marine (even when they are cheaper/better looking/more customizable/etc.) simply because the power armor doesn’t look like GW style power armor; they are incapable of properly gauging quality because to them quality means “Something I like” and not actual quality; for example I would argue that the Perry Miniatures historical figures are amazing quality, much better than anything GW has put out (and cheaper too) but they also don’t look like GW style miniatures, so if you play 40k they aren’t useful to you, however IMHO that doesn’t diminish the quality and that’s too often what I see, the argument that they are “poor quality” because the aesthetics don’t appeal to someone (by which 99% of the time they mean “doesn’t look like a GW figure”)

          • euansmith

            Perry’s Agincourt Footknights are jaw droppingly lovely. The poses look really naturalistic and the detail is amazing. I love the designs from loads of manufacturers, it is just the scale that throws me when I get my hands on them; they all seem so tiny. I struggle to get paint where I want it on GW’s chunky monkey minis, so more refined products are a really challenge.

          • Dennis J. Pechavar

            For 40K I don’t mind the heroic scale but with fantasy I hate it. Perry Bros made some of the best minis back in the day and I had hated the new models released for 8th mostly because of scale issues.

          • euansmith

            Didn’t they make Citadel’s old Normans, a few decades ago. Those were fun minis and streets ahead of the competition of the time in terms of character.

          • Dennis J. Pechavar

            Most of their old models had so much more character than(in some cases) models made now. Look at the Dogs of War pikemen, granted some had 30+ unique models but the point is that they looked amazing and in fact are still my favorite models from GW. I like the ease of plastic but we’re not going to see this depth of character in plastic any time soon if ever.

          • CatachanCommissar

            Perry’s are the best, I love them, love ALL of their stuff.

          • Doug

            im more into painting than playing. Ive bought Perry miniatures and the level of detail is just not there. taking a horrible GW mini and comparing to the best Perry might be more equivalent but otherwise, they are leagues apart.

          • euansmith

            I think that the Perrys have very different objectives to GW when it comes to designing minis. The Perrys aim to create realistically proportioned minis with historically accurate equipment. This limits the amount of detail they can fit on to an individual miniature.

            If someone is looking for that level of realist restraint, then GW minis can appear cartoonish, fussy and awkwardly posed. So it is very much horse for courses.

        • NikosanPrime

          Damn, never realized the difference in size till now. Hmm, makes it clear to me how much I have to increase my true scale marines. And never show their bare heads again.

          Is the Fallen Frontiers game any good?

          • euansmith

            It is a neat little squad based skirmish. It uses characters to alter the feel of your force; a bit like the way the Warcaster change a force in Warmachine. By joining a character to a squad, the squad gains different abilities.

            It also has an in-game power up mechanism, a bit like in a video game. You accumulate power points by harvesting resources and use these to unlock special abilities on characters.

            There is also another layer provided by a deck of cards you compile before the game. These given even more options and also tie in to the resource gathering.

            So, all in all, you get to make a bunch of different choices at different points in the game which all adds to the fun.

        • zeno666

          Nice!
          Space Marines always looks whimpy due the failure of scale.
          But I guess people don’t see that anymore since there are only space marines beeing played 😉

    • Aezeal

      My Sylvaneth army disagree with you.
      /me drools over his new revenants and Kurnoth hunters

    • Ben Raven

      People always talk about the minis and the fluff but let’s talk about what really gets people addicted. It is the volatility of a closed door company and an active community. Where else can you invest hundreds of dollars and hours of time in a product, only to have the next release drop your army to the bottom of the barrel. We spend hours going over blurry pictures and rumors trying to figure out if next release will game changing or meh. It is not unlike the sports industry where the next trade or draft can send your team to the championship or wallow at the bottom of the pack for the next 5 years.

      If you removed the community, the bloggers, and the podcasters, I would probably lose interest in a couple of weeks. I don’t know if GW did this on purpose but it appears to be working.

  • euansmith

    “… and other aspects of the game teach us military skills that terrify the powers that be…”

    Finally, this explains why 40k rules bear zero relation to actual combat. THEY don’t want to to learn about how to fight a real battle, with fire and movement, or have realistic expectations about the capabilities of artillery and air support. Now, drive my tank closer to the enemy; I would smite them with my sword!

    • jcdent

      See, this man doesn’t even know that a hammer, probably of the thunderous sort, is the best smiting implement.

    • ZeeLobby

      My guess is that it’s popular in the US, and GW doesn’t want it to interfere with Britain’s reconquest?

  • jcdent

    Man, equinox orgies are the bet.

  • I have only one question: how do I get into these zero-G lingerie parties?

  • Jabberwokk

    **Fanboyism detected**

    Contacting the Inquisition….

    Recommendation: Purge the unclean.

    • This idea surprises me, because that wasn’t at all my intention with this article. But oh well.

      • rtheom

        When you love someone, it just shows in everything you do. 😉

        • Haha. Okay, I’ll admit it: I’m smitten with Games Workshop. I passed them a note and told them to circle yes or no to tell me they like me or not. They didn’t give it back to me yet, so here’s to hoping! My next hurdle is: how do you get to third base with a publicly-traded corporation? we will figure it out. Love will find a way.

  • CatachanCommissar

    I loved Mango. Kattan was great.

  • jeff white

    the first post that i didn’t read all the way through cuz it was too stoopid. wargaming is important especially broken popular formats because it causes people to learn to openly formulate rules that govern both parties in a competitive engagement under what is essentially a cooperative umbrella. few theaters of action afford this opportunity to practice such a skill. plus strategy and shyte. and beer. lots of beer and … stuff like that.

    • lol. Really? I rather enjoyed writing this article. There’s always next time jeff! 🙂

  • Xodis

    Seriously need more articles from you and less from BBF. At least you are entertaining!

    • Thanks! At least some people liked it. This was probably my nuttiest article yet. 😀

  • Ronald A Price

    I find GW is like the Psycho Girl Friend most guys have had once or twice in their life time. She’s GREAT Between the sheets. But when you talk about her in the general public. People scratch their heads and wonder why your still with her. Then after a few months (OR YEARS depending on your level of tolerance) You start wondering too. Some people drop her(GW) completely. Some of us drop her(GW) for a few months sometimes years. And suddenly we find ourselves back between the sheets again with Psycho Girl. Why you ask??? Cause its just too damned fun. 😉

  • DaveTycho

    This article sounds legit.

    • 100% true! Open your eyes sheeple!