Pimpcron risks it all to blow the whistle. Read it before they take it down!
Hello there, friends. Pimpcron has turned whistle blower to finally shed some light on this subversive and complex industry. Hold onto your seats kids, I’m about to blow your mind.
The Illuminati Controls Everything
From preventing new Chaos Space Marines and Tyranid Codex, to editing my articles, the Illuminati controls everything in the wargaming world. But who are they? I don’t have the clearance to actually know who pulls the strings. But I have it on good authority that it is the wealthiest international bankers that make sure Space Marines keep getting new stuff while other races flounder. And it’s the European Royalty that killed the Specialist Games, while the Yakuza keep the Sister’s of Battle update from coming. The American Mafia is to blame for Unbound and the Apocalypse-ification of 40k; while a coalition of Movie Directors have squatted the Squats. And of course the media is complicit in this whole operation. Celebrities from all walks of life, currently popular to one-hit-wonders make up the huge labyrinth of secret bureaucracy that monitors all wargaming trends.
For instance, the detachment that I have to submit all of my articles to for censoring is also the ones that are the liaisons to BoLS. It’s headed by Steve Urkel from Family Matters. He oversees all of the goings-on in the department, and his title is Supreme Lord Chieftain Urkel. You might think that’s weird, but they get to name their own positions, and they usually go by their fictional character names. I’m not sure why; probably something Satanic about it.
Under him is his Assistant-to-the-Supreme Lord Chieftan, Mango from Saturday Night Live fame. He is the one who has the pleasure of actually reading over my articles each week and making sure that what I’m writing fits their narrative. “I don’t see any mention at all of how we haven’t updated the CSM book. You better complain about it, remind people of that anguish.” Or, “You need to take out all of this talk about unity and goodwill. Put in more complaining.” Or, “We are gonna switch gears here: we used to ask you to complain that the release schedule was too slow. Now that GW has sped up their release schedule, start complaining that’s too fast.”
Finally, the person I have the most contact with and who is responsible for most of my article ideas is the guy who voiced the Kool-Aid Man in the 1990’s commercials. He goes by Totally Rad Adjunct to Unimatrix Awesome, Kool-Aid Man. And if you don’t say his entire title every time you talk to him he gets mad. To make matters worse, he always has to say , “Oh Yeah!” when you say it. Drives me nuts. You might think that with his totally cool 90’s attitude that he’d be easy to work with. Not at all.
So Why Is Wargaming So Important?
You might ask yourself, “Why do they care about wargaming?” Well whether you know it or not, learning things like when to assault into cover and when not to is a pretty good skill we develop. Target priority, cover saves, and other aspects of the game teach us military skills that terrify the powers that be. So they have figured out that the best way to keep us down is to keep us at each others throats, lest we rise up and create a better world.
The premium prices we pay for this game helps pay for giant secret laser batteries, portals to other realms, and funding to keep Big Foot under-wraps. It takes a lot to pay off all of those Big Foots from coming forward. So while we grumble about high miniatures prices, the elites enjoy zero-G lingerie parties, exchanging brownie recipes with aliens on Pluto, and generally living it up.
They prevent the CSM and Nid codexes from being updated because they enjoy our misery. They are the same ones who used to put unit entries into codexes that didn’t have a model to go with them. Forcing people to make their own in an attempt to make us miserable. When they realized that people actually enjoyed kitbashing models, they stopped doing that. They are also responsible for making the Void Shield Generator a limited-release so that most people didn’t get one. Then, when many people had bought third-party models, or made their own, they release the model again for purchase.
What is Life Like Working for the Illuminati?
Well as a 40k blogger, not too bad. I just have to be sure to include plenty of negativity in each article to keep the general spirit of the people down, and otherwise they let me have free reign. The Kool-Aid Man guy gives me the topic I have to talk about each week which is dependent on the cycles of the moon and the alignment of the stars that week. To please the gods, obviously. Then I ramble about it and submit it to Mango. Once I get approval from Mango, we meet on a wooded hill dressed in black robes at midnight. We light some candles, sacrifice a miniature to the Dark Gods for blessing, and it gets sent to Larry for posting.
Other than that, it’s like every ordinary job. Deadlines, contract killings, equinox orgies, budget meetings, occasional demonic possession of a co-worker, etc, etc. I can only assume that I’ll go missing as soon as this posts so: it’s been fun guys. If you see a Pimpcron article posted next week, it can only be because they replaced me with a more obedient clone. But at least the truth got out.
What Are Your First Impressions of This Revelation?