2016 is over, and we successfully avoided the release of another Dungeons and Dragons movie. Here’s a survival guide in case one comes out this year.
Last year taught us that nothing is safe. Never relax. Constant vigilance is the only way to be even remotely prepared for the untold horrors that time inevitably sends us hurtling towards. With that in mind, here are five things to prepare for in case 2017 sees the release of another Dungeons and Dragons movie. And this isn’t some idle, random threat–back in early 2016, studios were in talks about an upcoming D&D movie described as “Guardians of the Galaxy in a Tolkien-like universe.”
If you think that sounds awesome–this guide is for you.
Dungeons and Dragons
There are many things wrong with this movie–the CGI is dated, the plot is thinner than most late 90s adventure modules, they have only a tangential understanding of Dungeons and Dragons–the most D&D-esque moment is when the main characters are in a tavern and a dwarf joins them for NO REASON. But if that’s not enough to convince you, then why not check out this short clip of Jeremy Irons chewing up every ounce of the scenery.
Dungeons and Dragons: Wrath of the Dragon God
This movie has the dubious distinction of being arguably the “best” movie on the list, if only because it is set 150 years in the future, thus ensuring that it is now official cannon that just about everyone from the first movie is dead. They died and they’re dead and they’re not coming back. It features proper nouns from Dungeons and Dragons proper and is actually tolerable if you view it with the following mindset: you are watching a movie about a group of people playing Dungeons and Dragons and you’re seeing their character’s actions played out verbatim. Don’t believe me? Check out this clip of a cleric chopping down a tree with a warhammer.
Now picture the DM saying: “your character does what?”
Book of Vile Darkness
Entry three in the list of “no really, we know what Dungeons and Dragons is like, you can trust us” movies, the Book of Vile Darkness is the darkest movie on the list. It’s not particularly troubling morally, it’s just not very well lit. If you’ve ever wonder what Star Wars would be like with worse writing and special effects, you need look no further than this movie.
The Flight of Dragons
This one is not technically a Dungeons and Dragons movie, but it follows very closely in the grand tradition of things like the Dungeons and Dragons cartoon. As magic started to fade from the world–because people were embracing science–a bunch of wizards created their own realm of magic and predictably one of them betrayed the others. So naturally, the only way to save the world is to summon a board game designer to their mystical realm to defeat a two-headed dragon wizard (voiced by James Earl Jones) by reciting different kinds of science at it.
I am not making any of that up.
Mazes and Monsters
And of course, no list warning you against the dangers of Dungeons and Dragons movies would be complete without the movie that warned you against the dangers of Dungeons and Dragons. That’s right, Mazes and Monsters. The 1982 Tom Hanks vehicle (a Yugo is technically a vehicle) is essentially the answer to the question: what if we made a movie about the time that the media thought a suicidal child prodigy got confused about playing Dungeons and Dragons and got lost in the steam tunnels under Michigan State University, and seasoned it with powdered Chick tract.
At about the 0:50 mark, you can see the moment Tom Hanks realizes he’s in this movie after all.
Every day, thousands of people think a Dungeons and Dragons movie is a good idea. If you or someone you love is thinking about trying to make a Dungeons and Dragons movie, please, get them the help they need. Our operators are standing by, 24 hours a day.
Got another “favorite” Dungeons and Dragons movie? Tell us all about it in the comments!