Pimpcron’s Guide To Winning Every 40k Battle

Pimpcron knows this one weird trick that doctor’s don’t want you to see!

Hey guys. I, the Pimpcron, have insurance companies fuming and drivers in your area cheering! And after that, you’ll be shocked when I tell you which president had the highest IQ. Then I’ll treat you to a list of attractive singles in your area. Finally, we’ll trim some belly fat together.

Seriously though, I’m sure you’re just like me and winning is everything. I’m not in this hobby for painting stupid models or building friendships. I have a really sad and unfulfilling life and I really only get my jollies from smashing faces in on the 40k battle board. Nobody really wants to play me anymore in our gaming group, but it’s just because they are weak.

And with all of the belly fat we trim, we’ll craft a neat

handbag just in time for Mother’s day!

As they say, it’s lonely at the top and I am an adrenaline-fueled, Macho-Man Alpha Male 40k Predator. I don’t blame them for being jealous, I just blame them because they don’t win all the time. If I’m being honest, winning a game of 40k makes me forget how bad my childhood was for a moment. The feeling of beating some lame idiot in this game sends a pure injection of excitement straight to the crotch. Suit up and let’s learn how to make heads roll.

Dice Manipulation

In this game, dice are everything. I like using them, but hate how random they can be. I mean, double 1’s for a charge roll but turn right around and roll double 6’s for Leadership? Come on. You can’t expect a serious player to rely on something so unreliable. Here’s how you make them work for you.

A Dice Tower: I’m sure you’ve seen them before; they are a tower that your throw dice in, they jumble around and spill out in a tray. Buy or a make a dice tower and then line the bottom of the tray with a magnetic sheet of metal. Then drill out the 1’s of your dice and insert tiny rare earth magnets in the pips. I’ve found that the momentum of the dice rolling doesn’t allow the dice to immediately grab on the metal, but it definitely makes 6’s appear about 20% more of the time. I’ve been using one for years for this exact reason and it has greatly improved my rolling.

His secrets revealed! No wonder he always rolls 6’s!

Speaking of dice rolling, here are few tricks for fixing those crappy rolls even better. When playing that poor, stupid, trusting fluffy player be sure to set your dice tower off to the side That way, any dice that don’t roll quite as good as they should can be quickly picked up and maybe you just add an extra success or two before he gets a chance to see them.

Also, you should pretend that you don’t know your codex very well, because adding an extra strength point here or a small special rule there can really up your game. Now, I can hear some of you scoffing at this and maybe even calling it “cheating” but that is a lame person’s word for a smarter person’s actions. This is a WAR game. And there are no rules in war. I mean, do you think the military will ever decide that some things are too mean to do in war? There has never been any sort of convention made where they define what is acceptable in war and this game is no different. Bring you’re a-game or be prepared to lose.

Do you even lift? I’ve been lifting my head for days now.

Tape Measure Fixes

Ever hate how limiting your tape measure can be? It drives me crazy when something is just out of my reach. My chapter of Space Marines actually moves faster because of some stupid thing I thought up and that’s my fluff reason for them always moving 7-8 inches when nobody is looking. They are sneaky like that; and before you roll your eyes, I modeled them running. Here’s how to be really sly. Go buy an Engineer’s tape measure (it’s split into 10ths not 12ths.) That way you can move your model to the six on the tape, and nobody is the wiser. See? The sissy casuals would never think of that! And that’s when you crush their soul and beat their army like a real man.

 

And finally, when measuring make sure the tape is facing you so they can’t see exactly how far you went. So not only are you using your extended-range tape measure to full effect, you’re also going farther than that.

So now you’ve graduated from Pimpcron’s Hard Knocks University and you’re ready face any challenge given to you with confidence. You now have the tools needed to never get your feelings hurt again over this game. Too many times you’ve treated this hobby like a game when you should have been treating it like war. When your gaming group begs and pleads for the old you to come back, you just tell them that you’ve evolved.

Now obviously never use these satirical techniques in public.

~What is the craziest move you ever saw a player try to pull on you at a tabletop?

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  • Lion El’ Jonson

    Might actually be able to legit get away with the tape measure one…

    • euansmith

      I’d certainly never heard of decimal tape measures and its looks close enough to be overlooked.

      I remember hearing tell of a bloke at a Nationals tournament who was caught using die with two fives on them. More subtle than using the more traditional double-sixes dodgy dice.

      • TenDM

        I’ve heard of people shaving their dice so the six is more likely to show up. It won’t always land on six, but it’ll veer towards it and up your average. I would never even think to check.

        • No-one Special

          Baking your dice is another method that’s rumoured to improve rolls – it involves heating the dice in an oven with the 6’s showing, which causes the denser plastic to settle lower towards the ‘1’ side. Whether this minute shift in weight distribution would even have effect is debatable, but people still do it.

          • JJ

            Water testing…. Back in the old days of “Ard Boyz” several regional winners made a massive dice order (2 colors) off of amazon. Water tested the lot, and took only the dice that were weighted to 5 or 6 in one color and another that was weighted to 1 and 2 on another. (one set to play one set to roll leadership) Not weighted just had a higher percentage of rolling the appropriate number.

            Very uncool, but that’s what you get when you put up valuable prizes..

  • No-one Special

    I’ve been witness to/heard of a number of dirty tricks, and whereas most were to do with fiddling points totals, there are a few that were range related back when you couldn’t premeasure stuff and were still guessing ranges for warmachines in WFB.
    One was someone had actually measured their arm from their elbow to certain points; to the wrist, to the tip of their finger etc. so they could accurately ‘guess’ ranges when they leant on the table to consider their decision.
    Another was setting up the table before an opponent saw it in order to ‘save time’, but in reality they had premeasured the distances between each scenery piece.

    Forgetting key rules was always the biggest thing though, and usually had the biggest effect on the outcome fo the game – things like not knowing you can’t disembark from a transport if it’s moved over 6″, with obvious results.

    • Heinz Fiction

      Good thing they got rid of that no-premeasure nonsense.I always shake my head whenever I see an otherwise modern game which still has it…

  • Bakvrad

    Two things I actually did in my hardcore tournament time (age 16-18).
    When I needed to guess range for my cannons I calculated with Pythagoras formula 😀 I think I had two or three people upset, but I told them I play Chaos dwarves, Pythagoras is one of their chief sorcerer 😀
    The other thing happened with an actual d3 that slipped into my dice pool. It showed only 1,2,3’s. Which was really good for leadership but crappy with all the other stuff. I sold that die, when I noticed that it has no 6’s 😀

    • No-one Special

      How did you obtain the other distances for the pythagoras calculation?

      • ZeeLobby

        well he had to cheat to get those so…

        • Bakvrad

          Actually no, it was all about the moving trays 😉

          • ZeeLobby

            Ah. Sneaky sneaky! ;D

          • Bakvrad

            Yeah, that’s why I needed a lot of sneaky gits 😀

      • Bakvrad

        That’s an easy one. You always know, how far your enemy is away. 24 inch + maybe the movement tray of one of your units. Those of Gw were 4×3 inches these days.
        Same for the other side. If you deploy, you use your unit’s movement trays to find out, how far the side line is. And there you go!

  • ZeeLobby

    Measuring is always the aspect of the game that seems to involve the most dirty tricks. I still can’t believe that some people try to measure from the front to the back of bases. But it happens.

    • Yeah, the front to back thing I see the most. But I can eyeball 6 inches extremely well (it’s just my reproductive organ times 3.5). If I let someone do it, it’s usually because it’s not a serious game. many a time I’ve called people out for 7 or 8″ moves.

      • ZeeLobby

        Yeah. It’s just want of those things where even when I play “for-fun” games, I’d still like to keep a semblance of following the basic rules, like measurement, haha.

    • Knight_of_Infinite_Resignation

      I see people doing that without realising its a mistake, they are usually fine once corrected. Not everyone who plays this game is the sharpest tool in the box!

      Often people move a little further than they should. I usually let it pass, but sometimes I call them on it, especially for something like that turn 2 impossible shot in multi melta ‘hot’ range 🙂

      • ZeeLobby

        Yeah. Definitely seen mistakes as well. And most are usually quick to fix and apologize, which is cool.

        But yeah, a lot of mechanics of the short range powerful weaponry are built assuming you’ll be in assault range next turn, so I can understand making a point of when your opponents units always seem to be just in range to shoot, but always slightly outside of charge range, haha.

    • Xodis

      Yeah, played a guy with a bug army he lined up across his starting line, then he moved 6 and fleeted another 6 and I noticed he was over halfway…showed him the math and he managed to eek out 3 to 4 extra inches. Just gave him a look as he moved them all back to their maximum distance.

      • ZeeLobby

        Yeah. The one thing our group almost always asks is “are you sure you’re in your deployment zone”. I honestly don’t even think we cheat but it’s amazing how often you thought you deployed within 12″ but you really didn’t. And it makes a big difference. No one ever gets upset, as usually they’re not really trying to gain an advantage and are just being lazy. But at events I’ve def seen armies move at much faster speed then their stats would suggest.

  • ZeeLobby

    Funny side story, but one of my friends fathers was one of the original GW boys, and the length of those red whippy sticks (which actually weren’t even that accurate for measuring) was actually the length from his elbow to pinky tip. So when he would declare charges (before pre-measuring was allowed) he’d point with the entirety of his army, elbow at his unit, and say “I may charge this unit… OR… this unit” to determine distances. It was SUPER shady, but we always got a good laugh out of it.

    • Strategery.

      ah, back when barrage was called guess range, premeasuring was only allowed during the movement phase, and the tactical elements of the game required much more skill.

      • ZeeLobby

        Yeah, honestly it’s something I do miss quite often. It’s got me excited for Runewars as I’m pretty sure you have to set your commands prior to measuring distances.

  • Mr. Pimpcron, this article makes the last one a diplomatic treaty.😂

    • Haha. Surprisingly nobody is mad yet. Last week I had some hilarious responses of anger.

      • ZeeLobby

        Eh, you just singled out cheaters, who nobody likes, even other cheaters. It’s different to your sarcastic passive-aggressive posts attacking those who don’t think like you. Totally realize those are in jest, but the responses make sense.

        • It’s funny how people read my stuff and think they know who I am. Do people think every horror author is a serial killer or mentally unstable? I get a kick out of people labeling me this or that when it’s all just a persona. I do it for the lolz. In reality, I enjoy every part of the hobby except super-competitive gaming and people who actually know me would label me as the easiest-going person there is.

          • ZeeLobby

            Yeah. Totally get that. I think people have trouble understanding those that embrace many sides of a hobby anyway. We, as humans, tend to be so us vs them, that it’s hard for many to see the grey between the black and white. Sadly I don’t think the internet has improved any of that, haha.

            That said, you may embrace all aspects, but your articles tend to poke fun at one side more than the other. For many competitive players, it can be very frustrating to have to justify their existence to those who aren’t competitive, or hear the constant labeling as being WAAC or try-hards for enjoying the hobby the way that they do. Not saying that it’s any different for “fun” players, but I don’t remember ever reading an article defending competitors and poking fun at the other side.

            That said, the other article just received a lot of heat because you said something crazy like Sisters should exist, and that if you suck at painting you should just stop, lol. Know those are over-simplifications, but what did you expect XD.

          • I won’t argue against the point that I poke fun at uber-competitive types more often than others. But honestly, they are the only demographic that I don’t care for in this hobby. They tend to take the game way too seriously and often seem to have something to prove. And I’m under no obligation to write articles in favor of every type of person who plays the game. I’ve never written an article dedicated to just propped them up and making them feel good, but I have defended their side in my articles in the past. As long as two players want the same thing out of the game (ex: fluff or competitive, etc.) then it’s no problem. The real issues start when a two players with different goals meet up and don’t discuss it first.

          • ZeeLobby

            Totally agree. I’m just not sure that it’s always clear that uber-competitives are your target. You’ve definitely said things that target most competitives in general. And then you mark angry responses as hilarious, and it just gives off a high-horse appearance. Not saying you have to change any of this, it’s kind of your shtick.

            Personally I find fake “fun” players to be the worst demographic for this hobby. Those that use fluff to justify taking OP units and then repeatedly thrash their other fun opponents. At least with uber-competitive they aren’t trying to present some falsehood that they’re not really competitive. Most times you’ll know right off the bat, and can choose not to play them. It’s the devious pretenders who are the worst. IMO of-course.

          • ZeeLobby

            As an aside, I think my favorite local event was a small point highlander tournament (think it was 1000 pts maybe), where I took a wraithknight (old, non-d-weapon version) and a mix of on-foot wyches and kabalite warriors, and in the final game played against a fake-fun player. I’m known and have told people I like to play competitively, so there was no surprise there, but this guy constantly claimed to totally be for fun, an showed up with the black mace daemon prince and a pretty brutal list. The whole day he was crushing, and being a generally unpleasant opponent. But sweet justice was delivered when I seized the roll to go first, and doubled out his daemon prince with my first shot. The look on his face, lol. I’ve never had people come up and thank me for beating someone before, but that was a first.

          • haha. I love a good revenge story. I wish i was there to see it.

          • ZeeLobby

            It was quite beautiful!

          • Adam Wright

            I used to be of the mind that big restrictions in tournament play weren’t fun, but after having played several tournaments and events (biggest being Adepticon) I’ve definitely had a change of heart. When I first began the local players didn’t really even like to play anything outside of straight CAD and no LoW’s. This felt restrictive so I slowly started broadening my gamer network to read more options and play them.

            So I had settled on Salamanders as my army at this point and had quite a collection going. I go to a local tourney at another game store and had brought what I considered a fairly brutal GSF with battle-company to compete. Well as soon as I get there and see what my competition brought I had to readjust what my idea of “brutal” was. Lol, knights, WK’s, libby conclave, super-friends, and triptide wing as far as the eye could see. I had zero psykers, and no LoW’s. Figured I would get stomped in short order.

            Well as it turns out I won all my games (placed fourth, not shabby out of 20 people I guess). Thing is, after that I was seriously starting to wonder what the appeal was of these tournaments that were basically “no holds barred” type events? I thought my original group of players were too restrictive and non competitive. Then you have organizations like the ITC which just butcher any semblance of thematic or lore appropriate armies and are hyper competitive.

            I guess I just wonder why restrictive tournaments don’t seem more popular? I made a suggestion several time to a main ITC organizer that if they wanted to curb use of deathstars in their games that maybe you should eliminate the Battle Bros part of the allies matrix. He said he thought that was a great idea but would never get past a vote by the organization bas9cally because they might lose players because of it.

            What’s so bad about a restrictive tournament? You can still be hyper competitive within the rules but at least I wouldn’t die a little inside every time I see Wolves mixed in a unit with DA bikers.

            Sorry for the rambling post. It’s just a question that’s been bothering me for a while.

          • ZeeLobby

            Definitely not rambling. A great post! And I completely agree. I think in the end they just want to try and make everyone happy. For the ITC it’s literally become a huge investment at this point. If attendee numbers drop it could spell death for the limited number of restrictions they already have.

            Then, ofcourse, there’s the conflict of interest that most tournament organizers are also store owners. They want you to buy as many of whatever combination is possible. I’d be genuinely shocked if this didn’t also go into consideration when rules are determined. Heck, GW has basically removed all restrictions to get us to buy more.

            In the end any real change to the competitive environment really has to come from GW. All of this wouldn’t even really be an issue if there were just some basic restrictions, or even simpler, penalties built into the game. A simple points cost associated with allies and formations would solve many issues.

            GW would have to own this though. They’d have to support it, and they’d have to update it when anything new releases that might affect it. And in the beginning it would mean a reduction in sales (one of the reasons im not sure you’ll ever see a real effort on their part), even though it might result in an increase in players and revenue in the long run. It really is unfortunate that they’re publicly traded and devoted to a yearly performance standard. It basically means they have to neglect and ignore their systems til they’re dead (fantasy) before they can justify to themselves and stockholders that changes are actually necessary. It’s one of the reasons I’ve moved on to other systems that are honestly in a much better place.

          • Adam Wright

            Why would attendee numbers drop though? You’re still playing 40k, you can still bring a competitive army, but perhaps you’re now just limited to armies that don’t treat lore like it’s a piece of road kill. Im not sure why attendance would drop at things like ITC events (and I only mention them due to that organization being the biggest one I know of) simply because some you can’t bring dual screamerstar with triptide wing and inquisitors for servoskulls.

            I mean, at the very least, things like this drive players away from these events. So if attendance would drop from a few WAAC players getting huffy and not coming, then might it not be balanced out by gaining new players from those who were previously too disgusted to play before?

          • ZeeLobby

            Having frequented many larger events the current top end players thrive off creating the most whack lists possible. I don’t know why attendance would drop, but it could. People go to tournaments for different reasons. I know people who won’t go to anything that’s not highlander. Some people just like specific setups.

            In still not sure how removing BB would even change the sheer higher tier Eldar are on. A lot needs to be fixed in the game beyond ally interactions. If they fixed all of this attendance would definitely go up. Only fixing some is probably not enough to to get me back. The problem with any restriction is that it just shifts the power levels if the game is already imbalanced. In the end points costs just need adjusting.

          • I agree with you about the fake-fun players. They are the worst. But just to clear the air, I do find angry comments to be hilarious. And I know exactly why I get the reaction I do. People getting angry over what a columnist online said about a game they should be playing for fun really tickles me. Guilty as charged.

          • ZeeLobby

            I mean for many people competitive is fun, and making fun of the fun they have makes them angry. But it sounds like you get that.

  • John Traupman

    LOL, love it

  • Here are some fun stories on this very topic back from my old tournament days. Back then we had a team that traveled to different cities to play and we did the GTs together.

    We had weekly rules-lawyer sessions. We would literally argue a rule one way then find a way to argue it the other way. Because you had to be able to do this to convince judges of your position when it suited you. No I’m not making this up. Several of our guys were VERY good at this.

    Dice tossing. Indeed there are many ways to toss dice that give you the results you want without using loaded dice. I’ve known guys that can pick up your dice, my dice, new dice from the counter, roll them and call what they will be and they would often (not always but often) land on their result.

    Ever know a guy with freaky supernatural luck with dice that never seems to ever ever roll bad no matter what dice they use? Chances are they know how to toss dice to get the result they want. Youtube has videos on this.

  • bobrunnicles

    That belly fat bag image is just disturbing.

  • Xar

    -hey ready for a game?
    +do you read Pimpcron?
    -yeah.
    +no.

    • What? I’m hurt. Also, if you refuse to play Pimpron readers, you’ll never get a game in again. Everybody both reads and adores the Cron that Pimps. Ask your mailman, grammie, or childhood best friend. They’ll all say how awesome I am. And humble.

  • Knight_of_Infinite_Resignation

    I think the worst sort of cheating is deliberate misusing of rules or making rules up. I used to play against a Dark Angels player who, because some of his units had preferred enemy Chaos would extend that to everything on the table, even allies. Also he’d add effects like Rad to other weapons his bikes were firing etc as well as some other shady things.

    I didn’t know his codex well enough to correct him, but once a guy at a neighbouring table who also played DA came up to me after the game and told me all the dodgy things he’d been doing. Never played him again, he was running pretty low on opponents by the time I left that club.

  • kobalt60

    “before you roll your eyes, i modelled them running” +5internets. I knew a guy that speed rolled. Took 20 shots, threw 20 dice, picked up the hits to roll wounds with, but was picking hits up almost before the dice stopped moving. He was a terrible strategist though, lost more then he won, so i never made an issue of it

  • Xodis

    Totally need a decimal tape measure now lol

  • sniperjack

    I heard once one cheating with a loaded dice for stealing initiative. And once i was cheated at a major tournament of inifnity. When the dice roller rolled behind a cover and postulated his result. But when i took the time to walk around and wanted to see the result he took the dice away. Bad sportsmanship.

  • I was hoping this article would just be one paragraph or two of preamble and then a big fat “SIMPLY HAVE FUN PLAYING THE GAME!” before sounding off.

  • Gavenga323

    Not a 40k experience, but I know a guy who always did shady stuff in WHFB. At one point I played my Empire against his woodelves, a battle in which he “forgot” about the negative modifier for shooting multiple shots from one model. Admittedly, I didn’t know because I was new, and I would be completely understanding of this, if it also weren’t for the fact that he told me that every single unit in his army has WS 5, which I believed like an idiot. Needless to say, I lost the battle, and I have yet to play a Fantasy, or even AoS game with him since I found out.