Pimpcron: Dating Is Like 40k


Pimpcron is the king of analogies.

Howdy folks! It’s your favorite part of the day. That special time when the Pimp comes out of his hidey-hole and tosses you a new article! This week I want to give you some dating advice the only way I can understand it.

Dating is a lot like 40k. Hear me out, people.

You’ve got two opposing factions who are occupying the same area, and pretty much everyone starts out as Allies of Convenience. You each have your secret objectives; one of you might be trying to score, while the other may just want a fun narrative game. Ya know, nothing too serious just for fun.

You both come to the game with your own lists made of all of your various personality units that were largely put together by your parents when they were raising you. Though life experience has probably made you swap out a unit or two for something that may be a bit more useful. Like when you don’t know your opponent very well, you may want to keep your Power From Pain or your Red Thirst a secret until you know them better. But when finding a mate to play the Tournament of Life with, it can really be the roll of a dice. It’s like their list is one way on the paper, but when you get to know them better, you’re like, “I had no idea your Grot had two Power Klaws in that unit”.

Shhh. I’m hunting for love.

You guys go on a couple missions, and hopefully you score enough victory points that your opponent wants a rematch. Slowly over the course of many missions, your Force Orgs start merging and you stop hanging out with your Battle Brothers as much. You hardly even hit the Hive Cities anymore for some Amasec. All you want to do is joint-operations in the theatre of love.

There Are Always Surprises

People can really surprise you though, and the longer you are with them, the more the cracks in their ceramite start to show. They might seem at first like they Shall Know No Fear, but if you stay with them long enough, you’ll eventually find their emotional Rear Armor. Some people seem like they’re all Battle Forged and orderly when you first start dating them, but after a while you realize they are an Icon of Excess. You take a look at their apartment after they stop trying to impress you and you’re astonished. “You have a Plague Fly Colony in here!”

“What’s wrong with that?”

That’s commonly when you have Rended their ego, and here comes the Furious Charge. They’ll claim that they have been busy praising the Emperor and haven’t had time to Purge the Unclean. And you are one to talk, you never Look Out Sir when the laundry needs doing; they always have to take the hit. And the Dedicated Transport is 1,500 miles past due for an oil change, but you never take it to the Mechanicum. Your partner claims that their work has simply been Chaos Undivided lately, and you never help with the Greater Good of the household.

You say that they haven’t walked the Squig in weeks, and that your work has basically been Mob Rule for the last couple weeks. You claim that your partner is no Savior of Mankind, but often more like a Scavvy. This type of fighting goes on and on for nearly a Millenium, and it seems like there will be no peace, no respite, and there is only un-ending war.

Maybe There Isn’t Only War

But no, this Age of Strife will eventually stop and the two of you will unify your hearts under the Codex of Love. Relationships can be a tumultuous plane of existence, rife with Warp Storms, and sometimes even your Daemons get brought out. But ultimately you will find the right person to found your Chapter with. And soon enough you might even hear the pitter patter of little Nurglings running around.

So you see, dating is more than just Predators and Howling Banshees battling it out, and sometimes you’ll lose a game or two. Sure, you’ll run into your fair share of Chimeras that change their form to be what they’re not for a time. And some will even Poison you or deal Mortal Wounds, while others may just be too Unwieldy. Not every player is worth playing, and even though you may feel bad when someone leaves your table, don’t sweat it.

There’s always more Devilfish in the sea.

“That guy right there with the pimp hat! Bad jokes are punishable by death! Fire at will!”

Here’s a fun fact, in real life I exclusively talk in metaphor. Most people don’t know that. I actually have to go through my articles and edit them to not be elusory. I hope some of this sage advice, put in a way you can understand it, will help you. Go forth and spread the Geneseed.

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  • Tshiva keln

    40k is like a box of chocolates…

    • petrow84

      “…you leave it in a car on a hot summer day, and it will melt into a puddle of uselessness” – unused Forest Gump script

      • Tshiva keln

        Just like my dog. Poor mister snuffles.

    • GrogDaTyrant

      90% of the box is filled with milk and dark chocolate nugart, and the remaining 10% are all the other kinds?

      • dave long island

        Ah nugart… Sweet, sweet nugart… Equal parts yogurt and nougat, it is pure culinary perfection… lol

  • Maitre Lord Ironfist

    Its more like working on an Essay (f.e) you collect your Basics, then you set up your definitions to finaly engage the thesis and try too break it and win, that you can collect a new IDea at the End.

    But acept that some of your definitions and Ideas will falter against the your nemthesis and cripple. You did not do enough research and your Troops [aka Ideas] run low, damn you! You should had planed better. But if all goes well, and you conquer the objetives and defeat the thesis. There you go.

    Yeah this is actuall more serious in the core then it sounds 😉 maybe i will write something about it in a course if i can :,D

  • sjap98

    Hilarious AND true!

    • Just like 9-11 conspiracies. :/ think about it …

  • Bakvrad

    Funfact: my girlfriend is going to make a nurgling outfit for our firstborn ^^

    • Xodis

      Awesome! We turned our into a Adipose for our Doctor Who Halloween.

  • thereturnofsuppuppers

    Dating is a lot like 40K

    Things always look better painted

    • euansmith

      😀 😀 😀 Thanks, that produced a LOL.

  • Patriarch

    40k is just like dating, in that I don’t do much of either these days.

    *insert joke about “penetration rolls”*

  • Xodis

    This was a lot less corny than I expected, Bravo good sir! lol

  • Severius_Tolluck

    You talk entirely in metaphor? How Olde English of you, sir Beowolfe!

    • euansmith
      • Me

        One of the best memes EVER!

      • Seriously? Certainly Smith spoke suddenly and avoided all accurate alliteration answers. Alliteration is the repeat of word sounds.

        • euansmith

          For far famed Beowulf bounteously bestows words wreathed with alliterative alphabetic accoutrements.

          • Oh, you got me. Havent read Beowulf since high school. Didn’t remember that.

          • euansmith

            Those Olde Englishe types loved their alliteration, and even carried over the Celtic tradition of grouping things in to threes.

  • euansmith

    Darmok and Jalad at Tanagra.

    • Tshiva keln

      Shaka when the walls fell.

      • euansmith

        Temba, his arms open. 🙂

        • Me

          It frightens me a bit that I know what you guys are talking about.

          • This whole thing made me giggle.

        • Tshiva keln

          Couldn’t remember the Temba bit but wasn’t it “his arms wide”? That’s what’s in my head, but could easily be wrong as must have been over 15 years since seen it.

          • euansmith

            It appears both are acceptable.

            Picard and Dathon at El-Adrel

  • GrogDaTyrant

    It sounds like you need to get off of Grindr, if dating is like 40k. Unless of course a never-ending deluge of 8′ tall, burly gay-dudes in power armor is your kink.

    • It’s all that will get me “there” nowadays. You’d be surprised how hard it is to find 8-foot tall power armor pr0n.

  • Bobby Loggendogger

    yes because naming yourself after someone who pushes sexual slavery is really cool….

    • cudgel

      And the zealot shall know no humor…

    • Neal Laxman

      Is it slavery when they are mindless robots mr loggendogger?

      • euansmith

        Well you are opening up a whole techno-philosophical-psycho-sexual can of worms there.

    • euansmith

      I’m not a big fan of the name either.

      • To be honest, neither am I. 😀 But I’ve changed it to my legal name now, so what can be done?

        • euansmith

          How about Hamish Wagonmaker?

          • OMG. How did you know the WagonMaker part? I’m betting Google. But if you can tell me you knew that with a straight face, then you get my respect for the breadth of your knowledge.

          • euansmith

            I’m from Merry Olde Englande. It is still a cutting trade over here, along with Saggar Maker’s Bottom Knocker. 😉

            It is actually not that odd a word over here; or maybe I had a strange upbringing 😀

          • Pimpcron

            I had no idea that it was still a word used or a trade over there. Hmmm. Well you know where my family is from! lol.

    • Thank you! Though, I think I’d have to disagree with you. Sex slavery is not cool. My moniker is Pimpcron because my first army was a purple and gold-trimmed necron army which my friends dubbed the “pImcrons”. And thus a legend was born. You might want to rethink your stance on sex slavery. It’s 2017 man.

  • Dave Bone

    “Zim zalabim, Babazala Bozula Bim!” – BoLs