Pimpcron: Welcome To Warhammer Hell

Pimpcron gives you a tour of what hell is like for gamers.

Shhh. Listen.

Do you smell something?

Ah, it’s the warm and welcoming smell of yet another Pimpcron article; fresh from the oven of the mind. Please enjoy my half-baked articles in moderation. Over consumption may lead to bad decisions, hallucinations, and even chronic nose pain. What am I talking about? Even I don’t know.

Hey guys, it’s the Pimpcron, and this is my article for all of you sinning gamers out there. Well I recently had a near-death experience, due to a stabbing that we aren’t going to get into. What I saw was not pleasant. I guess all of those times I lied to my wife about miniatures I bought kind of caught up with me.

Here are the things you need to know in case you don’t make it to Gamer Heaven (aka the Big FLGS in the sky).

Time to paint the eyes…in gamer hell.

 

Hobbying Sucks In Hell

So first of all, brushes never make a point and the more you try to point them the more frayed they get. Paint pots dry out in minutes, and the humidity makes priming really suck. The lava rivers aren’t bad for stripping metal figures though, but it also strips the metal off. And every time you try to paint pupils on your minis, a little cherub diimon comes and bumps your arm. Oh, and as silly as I thought GW’s spelling of “daemon” is, turns out we are all spelling it wrong. It’s actually Diimon. They were really quick to point that out and got quite nasty with me when I misspelled it. I was all like, “Listen here Mrs. Sassy, this might be Hell, but you don’t have to be nasty.”
Then they sawed out my tongue. Another pro tip: they don’t like rhyming. It grew back though.

Don’t slow-play or else…

Games Are Even Worse

So MaimsWorkshop keeps making these really cool supplements that you pretty much have to buy if you want your army to work at all on the table. The problem is they put out a new book nearly everyday, which invalidates the previous ones, so you’re constantly buying new books.

And you never get to finish a game. There’s this hour glass filled with blood, and it usually runs out like mid third turn. It’s at that point, the table flips and all of your minis go in every direction. It’s like a Hell version of the board game Don’t Wake Daddy. I lost a Landraider in some diimonic beast’s main, but I was afraid to bother her to retrieve it. Plus, she was busy repeatedly ripping this guy’s arms off. Seemed pretty into it, so I decided not to interject.

And don’t even get me started on the cheating. They gave me a shriveled arm to measure with, and the markings weren’t even in inches! They said it was something called Metric, but being an American, it sounded like they made it up. Never heard of it.

Wait, did I forget to mention that the paint slides off your models when you touch them? They have to constantly be touched up, with those stupid, non-pointed brushes. Oh, and every new Space Marine they come out with is slightly larger than the last ones. It started out where you could transport an army in a shoe box, but now the current marine is about four and half feet tall. But boy does he look cool with a couple extra plates added!

Just keep shuffling forward. You’ll get your new codex…soon.

The Wait Will Drive You Crazy

So the entire time you’re there (spoiler: forever), there is a much better edition, ever on the horizon. They have designed a bunch of flaws and complexity into the current version of Hellhammer, but everyone is really excited for 666th edition. Satan slowly leaks all of the awesome stuff that will be in the new edition, and really builds excitement, but they never release it. The release date is permanently set to “Tomorrow” and now that they have leaked pretty much every data slate, rule, and stat, they won’t release it. They have already shipped all of the new stuff to the stores in Hell, but arbitrarily forbid them from releasing it early. As if there are any surprises to be had by now. People have been playing the new version for weeks, but for some reason they won’t release it yet.

So needless to say, if you wind up in Gamer Hell, you’re gonna have a bad time.

Pimpcron says play straight get to the Big FLGS in the sky.

 

Eventually the paramedics revived me and I got ripped out of that terrible place. Sheesh. It’s the straight and narrow for the Pimpcron from now on boys and girls. No more smuggling models into the house, or lying about purchases for me, friends!

Hmmm. Well the new edition is about to release, so maybe I’ll clean up my act next week. Yeah, after this release, no more shady model dealings for your old pal Pimpie McCron.
Screw it. I’ll go for a life of hobbying sin and try to slide into home with a death bed come-to-Jesus moment. Sounds like a plan.

~What would be the worst torture in Gaming Hell for you?

Pimpcron signature 3

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  • Rush Darling

    You forgot the duty opponent that still thinks it’s 555th ed., and that 431st ed was the epitome of tabletop gaming. Not that you ever, ever asked.

  • Bakvrad

    Wait… paramedic or Reanimation protocol?

    The reallife spacemarines sound cool tough. Should be easy to paint, even with a bad brush and that annoying diimon. They also block line of sight.

    • I was actually at Jiffy Lube. 😉

      • Bakvrad

        Someone once said, jokes that need to be explained, aren’t good. He was wrong.
        Had to google jiffy lube (sounds kinky). Still funny.

        • Haha. Yeah, it does sound like a bedroom act.

  • euansmith

    Those spherical dice are a pain too.

    • orionburn

      Along with those 72″ blast templates that still manage to scatter off the table without hitting anything.

      • That 450D6″ scatter is a mess. They are changing it in 666th edition.

        • euansmith

          It isn’t helped by the fact that the scatter dice is 4-dimensional; I’ve had blast templates scatter in to an alternate reality, or even in to the middle of last week.

        • Shinnentai

          That’s BS if true – talk about dumbing the game down! What am I supposed to do with my 450 dice shaker?!?!

          I suppose at least those nerd-rage army-burning videos will be easier to make in warhammer hell. I assume the minis are all made of asbestos to deny the players even that gratification though.

          • Haha. Asbestos miniatures. That sounds terrible.

          • Shinnentai

            But still better for GW’s reputation than failcast 😉

      • euansmith

        It is amazing, given that the table is 8′ square.

  • This article, if I understood it correctly, is genius.

    • Then you did understand it, I assume. 😀 Thanks Mousez!

  • TheSlann

    Awesome, made my day 😉

  • Greg MacLean

    Presto-change-o death bed repentance? Hey, that’s a good angle!

  • Good goooooood.

  • thereturnofsuppuppers

    I am already in hell.

    Existing endlessly in the BoLS comments section.

    I try to die, logging out, but I wake again staring at comments of such self satisfaction and pedantry that it would turn a normal man to grey plastic.

    When I close my eyes, I see all comments past and all comments yet to come, and it is dark.

    Ooh look! Possibly an interesting article!

    Its another podcast. It is always another podcast.

    • Ah, so the Pimpcron articles are a refreshing oasis in the midst of podcast posts? I hear ya, friend. 😀

  • Deacon Ix

    Going by what I know of the Christian lore, if you have suffered in life you are rewarded in the after life.

    So by that reasoning anyone who has played 7th is guaranteed a place in Gamer Heaven.

    • This made me laugh. Haha. Good point.