Pimpcron: If 40k Had Sports Commentators

Pimpcron hosts coverage of your favorite pastime.

[Football music plays]

Well hello there, wargaming fans! The Pimpcron is back this week with a special guest, Johnicus Maddenius. We’re coming at you from sunny Sussex County Delaware, where the chickens outnumber the people. How are you tonight, Johnicus?

[Johnicus] Hey there wargamers! It’s great to be here, watching some great tabletop action. We’ve got a great game for you tonight. Necrons versus Tau.

P: This should be good John, they are both nasty.

J: Sure are Pimpcron. But it’s really hard to match the sheer durability of the Necrons. Let’s take a look at the forces. On the Tau side we have a bunch of these little guys with big rifles and weird feet. They are riding some sort of air boats and are being followed by these horrible looking mech-suit dudes.

P: Not familiar with Tau, John?

J: And on the other side, it’s just metal. Tons of metal skeletons. And they have guns! This is kind of nuts.

P: Well they’ve started the game. And we’ve got the roll off! At this point in the game, we have to really get into the player’s head to see what his goal is. He is trying to roll HIGHER than his opponent, not lower. While there are many strategies to this, one could say it’s just luck in the end.

J: Absolutely Mr. Cron, these dice can be unpredictable and fickle bed fellows. I blow on mine before rolling, it seems to work.

P: I place my dice entirely in my mouth before rolling. I feel that the saliva really lubricates them on the table.

J: Well, the armies are deployed and we are ready for the Seize the Initiative. And he’s rolling … DEAR GOD! HE DID IT! HE ROLLED A SIX!

P: I did NOT see that coming John! The fans are going crazy. This is the first upset of the game and changes the whole dynamic of how it will flow. You see, he was going to go second in the game round, now he goes FIRST. There’s no way to know how unlikely that roll was, but he pulled it off! It’s a good day to be a wargaming fan, John.

J: Wow! Now we start the first turn, and I feel like we have to psycho-analyze these players to find out what their goals are. The Necron player will be implacably advancing while shooting a lot; their durability keeping them alive. Meanwhile the Tau player is better suited to staying near other units, not necessarily clustered, but close. And they won’t take their finger off those triggers.

P: While all of that is true, they also have similar goals as well. They both want to use their strengths to score MORE victory points than their opponent. A lot of people get that confused. This isn’t golf, the lower score does NOT win. That is often a rookie mistake.

J: Yes, on my first tournament circuit, I stumbled through it trying to score fewer points than my opponents.

P: Ouch! It’s an easy mistake to make John. But on topics like that we’d have to refer to the Main Rule Book.

J: Yes Pimp, but I am functionally illiterate. So I would just use the pictures to learn the rules.

P: A common problem as well. Did you start in geekdom playing Magic? I find many Magic players to be illiterate and … unsmartly.

J: Yeah, I started in Magic. Well that’s First Blood! And we’ve got points on the board at the bottom of turn 1. At this juncture, the Tau player is down by one, what do you think he’s thinking Cron?

P: I’d say that he will be changing his plans a bit. Assaulting with Fire Warriors may not have had the outcome he’d imagined. They bounced off and died. You see, when you are making decisions in this game, you have to weigh the options and make the best choice.

J: I couldn’t have said it better myself. Instead of shooting, he decided to assault the Lychguard. Not the smartest move. I’ve found that in this game, you have to look at your strengths AND weaknesses and see how they match up against your opponent’s strengths and weaknesses. Just look at the Lychguard. They are clearly equipped for melee with their Swords and Boards. The Tau didn’t stand a chance. Meanwhile, have you seen the size of the gun on those Fire Warriors? Shooting was probably the best option.

P: Agreed. Let’s go to a quick commercial break, and we will be back with some more exciting Wargaming action!

[ads play about beer, cars, and power tools.]

P: Aaannnddd we’re back! After our short 2-hour commercial break, the game is over now and the Tau player was able to pull off a minor victory of 6-5. The whole game changed for him when he started shooting and stopped assaulting with those little Fire Warriors John.

J: Yes it did, Pimpcron. Yes it did. A good lesson for all of us to learn. If they appear to have a big gun, just shoot. Thanks for watching, and we will see you next time on Wednesday Night Warhammer!!!

So in short: Over-explanation of simple concepts, nonsense side banter, tons of commercials, and surprise at things even idiots know.

Did I miss something?

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  • Knight_of_Infinite_Resignation

    good stuff.

    Now write one in the style of radio cricket commentator Henry Blofeld 🙂

    • euansmith

      “And, as you join us here, at Edgbaston, for the “exciting” opening game of the the 2017 Mankind vs The Rest of the Galaxy Test, we are eager to see if the new 8th Edition Rules make is less likely for games to be decided by the Duckworth-Lewis Method.”

      • Pimpcron

        You must be very well read Euan, because most of what you refer to, I have to look up to get. 😛

  • euansmith

    “He’s going for the Long Bomb! The Metal Chaos Dread is in the air! The florescent light glinting off its chipped paint work as it arcs gracefully across the table! And it’s hit! IT’S HIT!!! The opposing player has gone down like poleaxed bullock. There really is no coming back from that! And Wacky McWackjob is the winner of the Vegas Open by a knockout! Fluffy McFluffbunny never even saw it coming!”

  • Spacefrisian

    Better not do it with the Dutch commentator style, you might even learn gardening stuff.

    • Pimpcron

      I’ll do anything for warhammer, but I will NOT learn gardening stuff!

  • benn grimm

    ‘Well Jim, it’s the start of a new season and it looks like we have competition.’

    ‘Bob, I’ve heard he’s a killer robot from outer space and been banned from venues all over the Old World’

    ‘Hahaha. Yes. I heard he’s got a thing for the cheerleaders, particularly the Evil Metal ones…’

    ‘Well Bob I’ve been known to snack on a cheerleader or two in my time, but that’s just disgusting…’

    ‘And the game has started! Let’s waffle constantly and irritatingly about vaguely related anecdotes!’

    ‘Business as usual Bob, business as usual…’

  • fwangtash

    Wrestling commentators.
    GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY! THEY’VE KILLED HIM!

    • Drew_Da_Destroya

      HE ROLLED A ONE! HE ROLLED A ONE AND GOES DOWN! DEAR GAWD, LOOK AT THE ONE!

    • Mr.Gold

      always name you HQ choice/warlord Kenny… they will never be able to kill him without you gaining the sympathy vote.

  • petrow84

    HE INFLICTED TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE DAMAGE!

  • Xodis

    ugh, just imagine…I hate sports announcers already, if I heard them while trying to play 40K….someone might get punched.

    • Xodis

      Could probably stomach it during a Bloodbowl game though.

    • Me

      That would be a perfect move for pro wrestl…. table top gaming.

  • The thing is that I know so many people that have wet dreams over 40k getting the ESPN treatment.

    • Pimpcron

      ESPN 8 “The Ocho” from Dodgeball. We’d be on that one where they show obscure sports.

  • threeorangewhips

    You guys know this is basically what happens on the GW twitch stream, right?

    • Pimpcron

      lol. I’ve never watched it, but it’s only a matter of time before we get tournies on ESPN 8.

  • Gustav

    Looking up at the first picture, and imagining the Black Library book, ‘JOHN MADDEN: SPACE MARINE’. Hard to scrub the image from my brain.

  • Matthew Collins

    My favorite article to date. LMAO! 🙂

    • Matthew Collins

      and I will now be using unsmartly.

      • Pimpcron

        Thanks for reading! It would be unsmartly not to.