Hide your kids, hide your wife, Pimpcron’s suing everybody up in here.
Hello there, citizens of Earth. I, the fearless and undying alien horror, Pimpcron is here with some grave news. I am naming each and every one of you in my new xenos lawsuit. There has always been a lot of finger-pointing as to who is responsible for these ridiculous Games Workshop prices, and I’m putting my lawyers where my mouth is. Oh, that didn’t sound right. I may be a pimp and “in the industry” but I assure you I am not paying my legal fees that way.
I’ve heard people blame GW for their crazy business practices of the past, and while that isn’t untrue, there’s a root problem we are missing.
If a five-year old child crashes a car while he’s driving it, is he at fault? Or is it the parent’s fault for not watching him? Well not only did you people let the little pint-sized Games Workshop get into the car and drive, and you shoved him in. He got him all hopped up on juice boxes and sugary cereal so that he couldn’t walk straight, and shoved him in the car. Then you told him that seat belts are for sissies, and dropped a cinder block on the gas pedal. And when he expressed concerns of possible recklessness, you told him to swerve onto the freeway to save time, and that turn signals are also for sissies.
It wasn’t until they had killed the keg of CapriSun that the party really went crazy.
I mean, $50 for a three-man Aggressor squad? That’s the result of being drugged with sugar, and forced into the vehicle. You see, they are the reluctant victims here and it’s your fault that they set their prices where they are. In a capitalist economy, supply and demand are what set market prices; not ultimately the company. By nature, a business will always set prices as high as the market will allow. And who sets demand? YOU.
Stop Buying So Much
If we just stopped buying so much, Games Workshop would have to lower prices. You all need to exercise some self-control. [nudges nine army transports out of sight with metal foot] It sickens me how much you all spend on this hobby, and it’s ruining it for people like me. Think of it from my point of view: if all of the GW customers in the world stopped paying such high prices, I could name my price. GW would be begging me to buy stuff.
Think of the poor necron hobbyists.
And Stop Liking Their Stuff
Okay, so they made bigger marines. Big whoop! Do you buy everything you see when it’s bigger? Come on man. Do you only own mastiffs? Do all of you drive quad-cab , long-bed F-450’s? Will you settle for nothing less than the largest pony to ride at the county fair? You sicken me. And meanwhile, guess what? Their stocks continue to rise. How will we ever punish them for their success if you keep buying everything they come out with?
Mortarion gets teased and there is suddenly a disturbance in the Force. Like a million wargaming geeks cry out and are suddenly silenced as a shock wave of nerdgasm rolls through the world. I’ve been told there is a warp tear near Nottingham now due to the psycho-erotic backlash.
It’s almost NSFW, isn’t it?
So, okay, I will admit I started a Primaris Army after 7 years of not playing vanilla marines. But that was for research purposes for this lawsuit. Don’t get the facts tangled. This isn’t about me. This is about you and your poor financial choices in the miniatures hobby.
So I Am Necron-Suing All of You
I am filing a lawsuit in my local Tomb World naming all of you as my targets. I am holding you directly responsible for Games Workshops’ past practices and I will see you all in Necron-court. But if you don’t mind, I need a favor first. I have contacted Games Workshop trying to gain access to every one of their receipts from past sales in order to get your names. They replied with some British word like “Rubbish” and won’t return my calls any longer. So here’s where you come in. I will ask you all to kindly fill out your full name, and address in addition to a sum of all of your retail GW purchases in the comments section. I’m sure some of you will balk at that notion, but you have to be honest.
~Come on people, out with it. How much have you spent total in this hobby? It’s high isn’t it?