Satire: Necron Lord is Suing All GW Customers

Hide your kids, hide your wife, Pimpcron’s suing everybody up in here.

Hello there, citizens of Earth. I, the fearless and undying alien horror, Pimpcron is here with some grave news. I am naming each and every one of you in my new xenos lawsuit. There has always been a lot of finger-pointing as to who is responsible for these ridiculous Games Workshop prices, and I’m putting my lawyers where my mouth is. Oh, that didn’t sound right. I may be a pimp and “in the industry” but I assure you I am not paying my legal fees that way.

I’ve heard people blame GW for their crazy business practices of the past, and while that isn’t untrue, there’s a root problem we are missing.

You Guys

If a five-year old child crashes a car while he’s driving it, is he at fault? Or is it the parent’s fault for not watching him? Well not only did you people let the little pint-sized Games Workshop get into the car and drive, and you shoved him in. He got him all hopped up on juice boxes and sugary cereal so that he couldn’t walk straight, and shoved him in the car. Then you told him that seat belts are for sissies, and dropped a cinder block on the gas pedal. And when he expressed concerns of possible recklessness, you told him to swerve onto the freeway to save time, and that turn signals are also for sissies.

 

It wasn’t until they had killed the keg of CapriSun that the party really went crazy.

I mean, $50 for a three-man Aggressor squad? That’s the result of being drugged with sugar, and forced into the vehicle. You see, they are the reluctant victims here and it’s your fault that they set their prices where they are. In a capitalist economy, supply and demand are what set market prices; not ultimately the company. By nature, a business will always set prices as high as the market will allow. And who sets demand? YOU.

Stop Buying So Much

If we just stopped buying so much, Games Workshop would have to lower prices. You all need to exercise some self-control. [nudges nine army transports out of sight with metal foot] It sickens me how much you all spend on this hobby, and it’s ruining it for people like me. Think of it from my point of view: if all of the GW customers in the world stopped paying such high prices, I could name my price. GW would be begging me to buy stuff.

 

Think of the poor necron hobbyists.

And Stop Liking Their Stuff

Okay, so they made bigger marines. Big whoop! Do you buy everything you see when it’s bigger? Come on man. Do you only own mastiffs? Do all of you drive quad-cab , long-bed F-450’s? Will you settle for nothing less than the largest pony to ride at the county fair? You sicken me. And meanwhile, guess what? Their stocks continue to rise. How will we ever punish them for their success if you keep buying everything they come out with?

Mortarion gets teased and there is suddenly a disturbance in the Force. Like a million wargaming geeks cry out and are suddenly silenced as a shock wave of nerdgasm rolls through the world. I’ve been told there is a warp tear near Nottingham now due to the psycho-erotic backlash.

It’s almost NSFW, isn’t it?

So, okay, I will admit I started a Primaris Army after 7 years of not playing vanilla marines. But that was for research purposes for this lawsuit. Don’t get the facts tangled. This isn’t about me. This is about you and your poor financial choices in the miniatures hobby.

So I Am Necron-Suing All of You

I am filing a lawsuit in my local Tomb World naming all of you as my targets. I am holding you directly responsible for Games Workshops’ past practices and I will see you all in Necron-court. But if you don’t mind, I need a favor first. I have contacted Games Workshop trying to gain access to every one of their receipts from past sales in order to get your names. They replied with some British word like “Rubbish” and won’t return my calls any longer. So here’s where you come in. I will ask you all to kindly fill out your full name, and address in addition to a sum of all of your retail GW purchases in the comments section. I’m sure some of you will balk at that notion, but you have to be honest.

 

~Come on people, out with it. How much have you spent total in this hobby? It’s high isn’t it?

Pimpcron signature 3

2017 Shorehammer Button for BoLS

 

  • Sam Nolton

    You are bad at humor and satire, Pimpcron.

    • BrianDavion

      actually I thought it was hilarious. and 100% accurate

      • Pimpcron

        Brian’s got my back! 😀

        • BrianDavion

          well it’s like I told a friend I linked this article, all too often you see from people “WHAT 50 BUCKS FOR A SINGLE CHARACTER?… yeah I bought 5” if you think someone’s too expensive don’t buy it. I skipped out on the Primaris Captain mini for just that reason. Bought the Libby as I liked it eneugh to buy, but for a Primaris captain I’ll just sue the Gravis one

    • Pimpcron

      It tickles me whenever someone actually takes the time to remind me that I’m terrible. lol. I can’t chase you forever Sam, when we will finally wed?

  • Big Red

    I had a literal spit take while reading this artificial, right under Morty. Keep up the good work!

    • Pimpcron

      Thanks Boss!

  • Deacon Ix

    You are now having the same issue as The Onion, IRL is now the satire and your case is almost more believable than the actual one posted.

  • Bobby Loggendogger

    stop talking like a nog.

    • Pimpcron

      You better not be bringing in more of those “british” words. What is a nog? only Nog I know is from DS9. Quark’s nephew.

  • Marcus Langdale

    I know it is satire but i believe all of this with all my heart.

    • Spacefrisian

      I dont, that Aggressor set only costed me €26

  • Fergie0044

    It’s sad that this has to be labelled as satire. You’d think it’d be obvious…

    • gordonshumway

      Well, I mean, Pimpcron isn’t very funny so sometimes it’s not clear.

      • Xodis

        It isn’t funny, its hilarious…and possibly true lol.

        • Pimpcron

          Thanks Xodis!

    • Pimpcron

      Boss man added that, probably because we are skating legal topics.

  • ZeeLobby

    Ah. There’s the thinly veiled digs wrapped in “satire”. XD

  • chris harrison

    I am a recovering GW addict, clean and sober for four years, so Pimpcron gets nothing from me.

  • I_am_Alpharius

    I know Pimpcron writes satire “articles”, and generally there wryly amusing. However, this one drops the ball, falls into the unfunny arena and has echoes of subconscious personal upset.

    • Pimpcron

      Ah, can’t win em all I suppose. I thought it was funny.

      • I_am_Alpharius

        Tad to much vitriol in some of the language – that all. Pushes it over the edge 🙂

  • So I should have a research Department… That I staff myself..
    I’ll become nonprofit and take donations! Brilliant!

  • Jabberwokk

    I have bought one (1) Broodlord from the GW Norn Queen in the last 4 years. She was just asking for way to much biomass for a handful of gaunts.

    Market forces, as you say, pushed me to take my hivefleet and set up shop on Immoren with a Dragon named Everblight in which we had many good business relations. Still maintain connections with this “Althanc” thingy stuck in my chest.

    However word has reached me ear of renegade Norn Queens in a distant galaxy around a red star that can get me a hell of a deal on all sorts of bioforms for dirt cheap. I might have to follow the will of the (market) force if someone is willing to supply me with a similar bioform for less biomass.

  • memitchell

    Not only have I resisted the ridiculous figure “bloat” of Primarus Marines, I sold my Space Marine army of little Marines. So, I refuse to be a GW enabler. Instead, I am investing in a new Death Guard army with the new “bloated by Nurgle” Marines. Because those DG Marines are really victims, instead of Gillyman monstrosities. I support them and their plight. Not their fault they are bigger and cooler than other Marines. And, I can play the legal game, too. If it comes to it, I will put my foot down on MY lawyers.

    • Xodis

      HERE, HERE!

      Its time to take down all of those insensitive statues of the Emperor and his Space Marines that celebrate a history of Xenophobia and the atrocities committed against the innocent followers of chaos.

  • Xodis

    Home run from the Pimpcron. I have a large Imperial Marine force now as well…..they burn when I touch them, but I hope someday to have them painted and fielded.

  • Rafał Pytlak

    Yup, spending on GW no more than 20$ a year. Let them feel the dangers of bancrupcy

  • 301stFeinminsterArmoured

    The LOLs are burning atom by atom.

    • Pimpcron

      I have been puzzling over this comment. Please explain. I have to know, even if it’s bad. lol

      • 301stFeinminsterArmoured

        Gauss weapons and how they work. Is a Necron joke.

        • Pimpcron

          Ah, deeper than I expected. Bravo.

  • Admiral Raptor

    Over 21 years I’ve spent thousands, many thousands. Now in my defense that’s in Canadian dollars, so the total is much lower in a real currency. Also I tend to ebay the majority of purchases, so I don’t know how you want to count that. I’ll await notice for my day in Necron Court.

    • Pimpcron

      “Real Currency” lol

  • Spacefrisian

    Been buying gw stuf since 1999, kids should get of my lawn by now.

  • Fuppylodders

    I know it’s satire… But do people not remember one of the first random major price hikes across the entire range? It was because….. not enough people were buying their models. So if people stop buying the models to reduce demand, what you think they’ll do? No… They won’t drop prices to make them look more enticing to buy, they’ll raise the prices to cover the lack of sales they are making. Just like before.

    • Jonathon Runge

      Which will raise the cost of entry and continued patronage of current customers leading to a death spiral.

    • Pimpcron

      I think they forgot how to capitalism.

    • Porty1119

      The Laffer curve is pretty basic economics. GW cannot into business.

  • sjap98

    Let’s see… since 1989, blood bowl, fantasy, epic, 40k, space hulk, dw: overkill, rulebook of all 40k editions, books, 90% of codexes of all editions, 1500 (?) models…. around…. in excess of…10000 euros???…I might have a problem although I totally deny it…
    Pimpcron, the receipts are in the mail.

    • Pimpcron

      Finally! I appreciate it! I would guess mine is about $8K-$11K total I think. It’s hard to say because I used to ebay a lot.