Pimpcron: 40k Lore Needs To Be Toned Down

From undying metallic horror to concerned parent in 3/10 of a second.

Hey people. This week I’m coming to you as a concerned parent. The Pimpcron has a whole gaggle of kids and now that my oldest is getting into Warhammer, I’m suddenly concerned.

At First I Was Excited

So my oldest child wants to join in my hobby! That is so fun! What a proud daddy moment we have here. We started talking about what army suits him and what his play style might be. But when we started sifting through the various motives behind the armies, I ran into uncomfortable territory.

“Oh, yeah these guys are Orks, they like to fight. This army is Sisters of Battle, they are just here because GW is afraid of getting rid of them. And these guys are Khorne Berserkers, all they want is to spill blo- … their juice and collect sk- … [panic sets in] Pokemon cards! Pokemon cards for their Pokemon card throne.”

I think this is it.

Boy, that was close! Luckily I think he bought it. But I was stuck in a corner, as I mentally ran through all of the mentions of maiming and murder in this game. What was I to do? I don’t want him to know that people actually die! When he’s 18 we will have “the talk” about death and he will have to come to grips with the fact that he’s not immortal which we have always taught him. His grandmother died like three years ago, and to save him the heart ache of the whole thing, we just told him that she was perfectly fine but didn’t want to see him anymore. You see? It’s better this way.

As we went further and further into the setting, I found myself swimming in lies to protect his innocence.

It started with renaming stuff.

Murderfang – Angryfang

Bloodletters- Phlebotomists

Mutilators- Funilaters

Hellblasters- Heckblasters

Blood Angels- Bud Angels

Deathwatch- Night Security

But eventually I had to start changing themes of the lore due to unsavory parts.

Emperor- Just Sleeping

Tyranids- They like to recycle, they clean up planets

Dark Angels- Not Traitors

Servitors- Happy with a wrench for an arm

Dark Eldar- Cosplayers

But with every lie, the line started to blur on which things needed censoring.

Yup. What a sleepy head.

By the end of our discussion I had to tweak the whole game.

You don’t forcibly “Seize” the initiative, on a 6+ your opponent lets you go out of kindness.

There is no Assault Phase, it’s the Hug Phase where people close with each other to hug it out.

Why use points when everyone can win instead?

Dice are bit too close to gambling, so we will rock-paper-scissors.

Abaddon just wants to apologize to the Emperor in person.

I’ve bought trophies for the end of each of our games, so he doesn’t feel bad.

Then I realized, 40k needs to be toned down.

I know some of you are rolling your eyes, but for those of you with kids, you are somberly nodding your head whispering, “Yes, this. So much this. This for days.”

Now you may have snorted cocaine, stabbed a guy in a bar fight, and/or sold a human hand at one point in your youth. But once you become a parent, all of that changes. You don’t have time for stabbing strangers or organ peddling. You are the guardian of a tiny person who needs to be protected from all of the dirty and undesirable parts of life. That’s when things like Skull Thrones suddenly become too much.

Think Back To Your Childhood

Our parents protected us from everything. No scary movies, no sneaking out or lying, and especially no bad music or television. If I’ve learned anything from experts, it’s that a thing like exposure to mild-violence at an early age makes instant serial killers. “Timmy, why are you covered in blood and holding a knife? Oh God! It was that half an episode of Transformers I let you watch, wasn’t it?”

The best way to prepare our children for the ups and downs of life is to keep them from all of it. And if Games Workshop wants to usher a new generation of players into its game it has to tone down the sass. Why does everyone having to be mad and fighting all the time? Why can’t Blood Angels and Necrons have a bromance?

Friendship is magic.

And if I’ve learned anything from politics, it’s that the mere mention of children is cause enough to do whatever the hell you want if it’s “for them”. So anybody that might want to argue against this call to action is clearly a child-hater.

So I’ve started a petition at change.org with a catchy name. Just search for “Pimpcron’s Concerned Parental Outcry For The “Toning Down” Of The Lore Behind The Tabletop Game Warhammer 40,000 So That Children Don’t Find Out About Bad Things Before Their Time”. Thank you in advance for your support.

Please, just think of the children.

What about you? Is 40k too edgy for children?

Pimpcron signature 3

2017 Shorehammer Button for BoLS
  • Knight_of_Infinite_Resignation

    Its ok, theres no sex. Even Slaanesh is only into warp dust and progressive rock.

    • Ronin

      People being murdered into gory gory details, but sex? Oh, think of the children!

      • Knight_of_Infinite_Resignation

        I have genuinely never understood this skewed censorship. Sex is healthy and pretty much everyone does it. Murder ad violence the opposite. Yet murder and fighting is family viewing.

        • petrow84

          … while sex ACTUALLY creates the family!

          • Knight_of_Infinite_Resignation

            Making sexiness the ultimate family value!

        • Dalinair

          Exactly this, boobs are bad but slicing someone to pieces and shoving their skinned skull on your shoulder is fine, eh?

          • Lion El’ Jonson

            I mean….think on the bright side…I’d rather they censor sex then violence….Imagine a world where the roles were opposite!

        • badmojo1966

          Yep on the news man gets shot dead and bleeds out in the street and they’re pixelating the kids with their middle fingers up.

        • memitchell

          I’m willing to bet a fortune YOU don’t have a teenage daughter. Just say’n.

          • Knight_of_Infinite_Resignation

            Not that I know of… I am one of those permissive hippy Pagan types though so I don’t think my attitude would be the usual one of overprotective father, at least I hope not.

        • SgtUrielVentris

          If you have genuinely never understood, I would like to offer this explanation. Sexuality and war/death/gore are both graphic, but only sexuality is traditionally (and even, for the most part, contemporarily) considered a private thing, something to be experienced between individuals in a non-public setting. I submit this is the reason for the disparity, and that it has nothing to do with the old strawman of “murder is fine but nipples will destroy the children.”

          • Knight_of_Infinite_Resignation

            You might be right, but there may be an even darker explanation. War toys, games and movies prepare the proletariat to kill and die for the state.

        • benvoliothefirst

          What you’re describing is generally unique to the United States. Most other countries have the exact opposite views on censorship of violence vs. sex, and “sex-positive” attitudes are gaining in popularity here in the states. It all started with the Puritans.

          I live in Ireland in the 80’s and they renamed Ninja Turtles as “hero turtles” because ninjas were viewed as being too violent for kids.

          • Knight_of_Infinite_Resignation

            UK is similar to US, certainly far more ok with violence and down on innocent sexuality than other European countries.

          • memitchell

            My teenage daughter or son aren’t going to start a war. Aren’t going to commit mass murder. Aren’t going to commit a serious crime. Sex? Drugs? Well, that’s a different story. Besides, this is a silly discussion. The teenage oriented movies, shows, and music that DON’T portray teenage sex as normal and inevitable are few and far between. It’s all pervasive, anyway. For what it’s worth.

          • Knight_of_Infinite_Resignation

            You are lucky. Plenty of people’s kids do fight in wars or start their own in their neighbourhood. Drugs? A problem of capitalism. Sex? Not a problem unless you fail to educate and provide the necessary access to contraception.

          • euansmith

            And they cut out all reference to Nunchucks as they were a “dangerous martial arts weapon”, but left in hitting people with a broom handle or stabbing them with forks or cutting them with swords.

      • Lyca Atteneder

        THAT… is ridiculous. AND it seems that this ‘idea’ is killing off a very interesting part of fluff and a whole sub-faction…
        At least in AoS… hopefully not in 40K too

      • Nostok

        I love this comment, I have always found this so odd. My understanding is that in some country south of Canada, laws/self governing rules mean that although it is okay in an particular age group to have a game/movie have people blasting away with guns as long as there is no gore it is fine. So let me get this straight, it is okay to train, using media, people to use weaponry but not show them the consequences? Perhaps that should be the other way around?

        • Grasshopper

          Weeeeell, 40k still is done by GW, which is UK based. It’s not that Europeans (yes, you heard it right British, you don’t escape so easily!) are so ultra-better at representing sex in media/games than the USA. But yeah, their thing about guns and violence as something safer then sex is quite strange.

        • piglette

          What would you be more upset over? Your young child seeing Robocop, or hardcore pornography?

          • Dan

            Son, I was raised on hardcore Robocop pornography.

            …As long as it isn’t by that gerd derm socialist hippie foreigner Paul Verhoeven with his pinko sex and murder movies. all foreign and full of non capitalism…

          • Knight_of_Infinite_Resignation

            Interesting question. Much pornography these days is violent or violence and unequal power relationships are implied which complicates matters.

            I can imagine a healthy society where positive fun mutually pleasurable inclusive sex acts between loving adults are available for all to see of all ages.

            I find it harder to imagine a healthy society where real or simulated sadistic violence and torture (sexual and non sexual) is available for all to see.

            I strongly feel exposure to positive images of sex is not intrinsically damaging in the way violence is.

          • Depends, the original Robocop or the Reboot?

          • euansmith

            There is no reboot; it go cancelled along with the Star Wars’ prequels.

        • Porty1119

          I wouldn’t call video games training. Go to the gym and hit the rifle range wearing 40lbs+ of armor and gear while doing squad bounding fire drills, then talk to me about training.

      • Foxdonut

        No! no, don’t think of the children while having sex! Bad masterless samurai! bad!

      • Le_smee

        Would you rather…….I’ll leave the rest up to the people.

        • euansmith

          Yes please.

    • James Regan

      unless you have some of the juan diaz daemonette sculpts lying around

      • Knight_of_Infinite_Resignation

        They were definitely the high point of Slaaneshi mini design.

    • Grasshopper

      Fits my re-theming of 40k from Grim Dark into Glam Dark.

      • Knight_of_Infinite_Resignation

        I would have said glam rock but its too soon after Gary Glitter 😕

    • 415Native
  • Thomas Cato

    Geesh, where are the days of the original Slaves to Darkness book, “suggested for mature readers”??? Kids these days… easily upset special snowflakes hiding in their safe spaces…. with no sense of adventure or taste for the forbidden…. And parents! Even worse, prepared to pokemon down their once cool hobby just in the hopes the little one will turn into a plastic addict like themselves.

    • Seienchin

      My goodness what a rant… Are modern kids and parents offending you this much? Do you need a safe space from those horrible parents and litte children?

      • Thomas Cato

        LOL, you call that a rant? :-p

      • CloakingDonkey

        dude… this whole “no you” thing just doesn’t work. We all know you got your knickers in a twist when you read his post and tried to be clever in response. It just comes off as desperate and sad.

        • Mathew G. Smith

          But… he was so obviously joking. That’s “mocking baby boomers 101” stuff.

    • Ulrik

      Ahem, I hope you DO understand that the article is humorous satire…? 🙂 (and its funny with DA – Not Traitors)

      • AircoolUK

        I thought it was a joke, but unfortunately, with the amount of restrictions and ‘enthusiastic’ moderation on this website, along with modern parenting techniques it comes across as serious with nothing to indicate that it might be in jest.

        • Pimpcron

          Nothing to indicate it was in jest? THE HUG PHASE? Dice are too close to gambling, we will rock-paper-scissors? His grandma died and I didn’t tell him, but instead told him she didn’t want to see him anymore to save his feelings? I renamed Death Watch into Night Security? All of this rings perfectly well with you? I’m beside myself with the narrow-mindedness. If you thought this was serious, I have some prime swamp land in Florida to sell you.

          • joetwocrows

            Better get your realty license….The comments indicate that your comment “The best way to prepare our children for the ups and downs of life is to keep them from all of it.” is an accepted fact of RL.

          • Pimpcron

            Lol

  • Christian Swate

    If a kid isn’t emotionally mature to deal with the fluff, he shouldn’t be handling paint or minis or playing the game.

    • Andy Wise

      My son’s not 5 yet and I’d be perfectly happy for him to splash a load of paint on some old minis if he wanted to (he doesn’t, he’s into sport, running around with friends and crap like that). If he did have an interest in the hobby there ain’t no way he’d get unrestricted access to the lore. A lot of it is very saucy and or drenched in violence and wouldn’t be close to age appropriate.

      • Thomas Cato

        Could play Runewars or KOW instead then. I mean, not everything has to be aimed at young kids, and WH40K isn’t. It’s more of a teen & manchild thing.

        • Grasshopper

          Yeah, that’s actually a very good idea. Runewars could really be a nice parent-kid game to get your youngsters into wargaming.

      • Myu

        I was in early primary school when I first started reading the lore and I was fine.

        • Porty1119

          I got into it when I was about 11, and I…became a functional, employed individual who only dispenses violence upon those who would do me harm. Mostly snakes and mountain lions at this point, and I’m happy for it to stay at that point.

  • Deej8404

    How old is he? If he isn’t old enough and mature enough to grasp the concept of “this is a game, you can’t summarily execute people or take their children as slaves” then he isn’t ready for the game. Get some minis and paint with him, he can still enjoy the hobby and time with his father. When he’s ready, he can jump into the grim darkness that is 40k lore.

  • Michał BLN

    I find it kinda funny that some people actually took the article seriously.

    • Titus

      I was beginning to wonder if i was missing something based on some of the comments. Good comedy is just lost on some people.

      • AircoolUK

        This article was neither good, nor comedy.

        • Pimpcron

          Hey, hey, hey … hey. I thought it was funny. So that’s at least one person. And I’m my favorite person.

        • Titus

          Thank you for your opinion 😉 Let’s agree to disagree. I find it funny because i know people who do this all the time.

    • Kaoskadosk

      It even says “humor” and “satire” in the tags…

    • Douglas Nelson

      Friends of mine have children now so I could see the awkwardness of it. But I also realized if you have young children you don’t have time to play 40k.

    • Pirate_Prince_Navarion

      That’s the only funny part about this article.

    • Ulrik

      Its fascinating! I thought its impossible to miss the humor, but alas…:)

    • Pimpcron

      Thank you! I am sitting here astonished too. This is probably my most over-the-top article ever and yet most don’t get it. (sigh). At least some of you do.

      • orionburn

        Given the amount of dolts in the world that go on long tirades based off of the article title alone be thankful that people actually read the entire thing…lol

      • Nostok

        We get it Pimpcron, but just going hahaha and not commenting is not the BoLS way. Also even if we did then we saw someone else comment with an opinion, that needs stamping on. I’m off to play trolls with my kids.

        I don’t know what your inspiration was, has something happened recently where this was seriously discussed?

      • benn grimm

        That’s the sign of good satire when half the people pick up the pitchforks and rabble rabble rabble, means it’s authentic.

        https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=RcU7FaEEzNU

        http://www.avclub.com/article/ibrass-eyeis-paedogeddon-inflamed-the-ukbut-was-th-100242

        See? Keep on pimpin’ 😉

      • Knight_of_Infinite_Resignation

        The best sort of satire is both funny yet manages to stir up serious debate. Well done.

    • badmojo1966

      I don’t think it’s that some didn’t get it. Some comments just morphed off into separate conversations. Regardless it was a fun article and stirred up actual conversation.

  • Paul Mattingley

    I always imagine Slaanesh saying “If it moves, shag it. If it doesn’t move, shag it until it does”.

    • Seienchin

      “shag” that rather sounds like austin powers and not the god of perversion… although writing this makes me see the connection

      • Dalinair

        There’s a zombicide austin powers model, I need to put him on a disk as he now needs to head up a slaanesh army for me, that i’ve not yet bought

        All daemonettes looking like fembots

      • Paul Mattingley

        A common term in England.

    • James Regan

      I still like the idea that prog-rock is the equivillent for those that lack the equipment in this regard (i.e. marines)

  • Maurizio Bertini

    Or they are Read or they are not, warhammer is a dark and blood world. People die orribilly… Planeta die orribile. .. its not for young kids. Let him join when he can handel it.

    • Lion El’ Jonson

      I mean…it’s not that brutal on the mind. When I was a kid, I loved leading my honourable Space marines into battle convinced I was ridding the galaxy of the naughty baddies.

      • euansmith

        “… and these guys are called Space Nazis, and they hate everyone who is not exactly like them, and they kill everyone they hate, and they are the Good Guys.”

        • Lion El’ Jonson

          Role models for kids everywhere!

        • Grasshopper

          GW should do two versions of 40k: One that is sanctioned by the Administratum Propagandae Imperii (excuse my bad High Gothic) where the Imperium really IS the force of good. And then make a version that sheds a light on the other side of the Imperium. If you want to play the hero, get the first version. If you want the truth, buy the other one. 🙂

          • euansmith

            The worse the Latin, the better the High Gothic.

            A “real” commentary on 40k could be a lot of fun.

          • Nostok

            They could do it like a commentary track for a DVD. All the “Xenos” sit around and tell the story from their point of view.

          • Nostok

            Don’t invite the Nids though, theirs is our lunchbox shoots at us all the time.

          • euansmith

            “That… that… that’s just bollox!”

            “Oh stop moaning, Eldrad, you should be glad that everyone thinks you are dead.”

          • Nostok

            Love it.

          • Grasshopper

            “I wuz mindin me own biznez when da hoomies came shootin’ and bein’ very loud and mean, so I tried to uze me skillz I learned in da de-escalashun workshop, but It didna help…”

        • Not all heroes wear capes 😉

  • TB0N3

    IMHO, 40k should be forbidden to anyone under 21. Most younsters who play the game become convinced the real world needs a military dictatorship as brutal and intolerant as the Imperium.

    • Knight_of_Infinite_Resignation

      People forget it was intended as a satire upon Thatcher, militarism etc.

      • luke-vdv

        If that’s true then it is definitely not just satire, but satire taken to such an extreme that I can’t even begin to see the connection.

        • Knight_of_Infinite_Resignation

          2000AD was also explicitly satire. You should read some of the artists notes in the old 2000AD annuals.

      • TheEvilBlight

        I did not know that…

        • Knight_of_Infinite_Resignation

          Well ‘satire’ is oversimplifying really. Its partly a satire of Cold War militarism, the attitude that national survival justifies any means (and what happens when multiple factions believe that) and an exploration of what happens to individuals in that milieu. In Rogue Trader penal legions were where you were sent if you incorrectly filled out your tax return!

          Its also a parody of other sci-fi and fantasy settings. A dark mirror to Star Trek, Star Wars and Tolkien (note the total absence of rationality, one-man-can-make-a-difference, kindly deities, helpful fate etc). The saviours of the human race, Space Marines, are initially recruited from convicts and barbarians.

          Its partly a massively over the top homage to the developer’s favourite sci-fi writers and settings, Dune, Moorcock, Mad Max, 2000AD, and borrows heavily from Metal Hurlant.

          It also has some typically British mockery (Mag Uruk Thraka = Margaret Thatcher, Birmingham aka The Black Planet), plain silliness like Inquisitor Obi Wan Sherlock Clouseau, all the Squats named after guns etc.

          Lastly the Grimdark unremitting negativity is a punk response to the Cold War, Thatcherism and even the New Romantics! Educated punk though, referencing Milton and 19th century poets…

          The punk slogan No Future makes several appearances in the RT book, and could sum up the whole thing.

          The secret of 40k is how all this was smurshed together to make some bizarre Frankenstein’s Monster of a setting. It shouldn’t work, but it does!

          • euansmith

            I guess that 40k is a victim of its own success. If it hadn’t morphed in to a zillion pound industry, it could have continually mutated the satire to keep it current (imagine the fun of a Brexit/Trump 40k).

            Instead, the subtext has been removed, leaving the marketing department with a pretty much straight up alt-right wet dream setting that needs taming to make it okay for the mainstream.

        • Knight_of_Infinite_Resignation

          Well ‘satire’ is oversimplifying really. Its partly a satire of Cold War militarism, the attitude that national survival justifies any means (and what happens when multiple factions believe that) and an exploration of what happens to individuals in that milieu. In Rogue Trader penal legions were where you were sent if you incorrectly filled out your tax return!

          Its also a parody of other sci-fi and fantasy settings. A dark mirror to Star Trek, Star Wars and Tolkien (note the total absence of rationality, one-man-can-make-a-difference, kindly deities, helpful fate etc). The saviours of the human race, Space Marines, are initially recruited from convicts and barbarians.

          Its partly a massively camp over the top homage to the developer’s favourite sci-fi writers and settings, Dune, Moorcock, Mad Max, 2000AD, and borrows heavily from Metal Hurlant.

          It also has some typically British mockery (Mag Uruk Thraka = Margaret Thatcher, Birmingham aka The Black Planet), plain silliness like Inquisitor Obi Wan Sherlock Clouseau, all the Squats named after guns etc.

          Lastly the Grimdark unremitting negativity is a nihilistic punk response to the Cold War, Thatcherism and even the New Romantics! Educated punk though, referencing Milton and 19th century poets…

          The punk slogan No Future makes several appearances in the RT book, and could sum up the whole thing.

          The secret of 40k is how all this was smurshed together to make some bizarre Frankenstein’s Monster of a setting. It shouldn’t work, but it does!

    • Lion El’ Jonson

      Can confirm. Been playing since I was 12, and am still waiting for the Emperors bloody unification war.

    • luke-vdv

      A militarist dictatorship is definitely looking better and better as ever more genders are apparently discovered.

      • Txabi Etxebarrieta

        When your sensibilities are so delicate you want a military dictatorship to turn a country into your own private safe space.

        • TheEvilBlight

          I am unsure if luke-vdv is serious or not.

          Dare I ask if the military dictatorship you are asking for happens to be run by those “ever more genders”? Bring on the Compliance with the Imperium!

          Thumbs down to military dictatorship run by any sort.

        • luke-vdv

          Nope, morals and reality are not found within the confines of ‘safe spaces’. It’s just called normality.

          • Txabi Etxebarrieta

            Morality is a social construct, and exists independent of “reality.” If you’re gonna go the full idealist, try to be less of a crybaby about it.

          • luke-vdv

            This is what you consider being a ‘cry baby’? Now who’s delicate. Anyway, you just sit there content in defending a state of being where how you feel is more important than reality.

          • Txabi Etxebarrieta

            “This is what you consider being a ‘cry baby’?”

            I mean, you did decide to whine about gender in an article that otherwise had nothing to do with the subject, so yes?

    • Nostok

      Is IMHO something like the satire tag?

      • TB0N3

        No, it’s just my opinion, based on my personal experiences (having to go to the police because of serious death threats from 40k players for being a “degenerate unfit for the Emperor”… They turned out to be annoying 18yo kids who think making your bed is a result of feminine oppression)

        • euansmith

          They are followers of the False Emperor. Fake Imperium. Sad.

  • Rafał Pytlak

    Play Warhammer? Don’t fornicate and have kids. It’s easier that way…

    Orrr….man your kid up. When i was 5 i was reading Bisley’s Lobo, watched Alien 1&2 and a few Nightmares on Elm Street. Your kid can handle “death, blood and boobies”

    At least that’s what i would say if i took this article seriously

  • onlyonepinman

    Poe’s law in full swing I see…

    • Pimpcron

      Thank you for being the 1% apparently. The satire is so thick, you have to clean your shoes after reading, but most don’t get it. The HUG PHASE? The Mother F-ing HUG phase and people think I’m serious? I don’t want to live on this planet anymore. Haha

      • Ulrik

        Dont worry, some of us understand the article 🙂 I think I will begin to use Night Security :))

        • Grasshopper

          “Tyranids- They like to recycle, they clean up planets

          Dark Eldar- Cosplayers”

          This is my head-canon now. Seriously, Pimpcron’s suggestions are priceless and I somewhat really want GW to emphasize on 40k’s more parodistic underlyings. They have green skinned, fungoid, space hooligans already. Why can’t we see more stuff like this?

        • euansmith

          “Something going bump in the night? Better call, Night Security!”

      • Thomson

        I think the comments just prove that you did something right. Sometimes it helps to stirr up emotions and send people even deeper into their beloved prison of selfrighteousness.

        When they calm down they have a chance to notice where they are and rething who they are.

        If they don’t it it is good to give them another chance.

        And I think the tone of your article is a very good way to talk about a topic as serious as parenting.

      • onlyonepinman

        I wasn’t 100% sure at first (because it’s written rather than spoken and lacks context, intonation and body language and of course this IS the Internet and anything goes) but a quick glance at the tags (“humour”, “satire”) at the bottom of the page dispelled any doubt.

      • TheEvilBlight

        I await GW marketing division’s response on the 40k Youth Division

  • Simon Chatterley

    My 10 year old nephew plays Grand Theft Auto.

    Warhammer would be less violent and removes the sexual content conversations….so would probably be a step forward

    • Knight_of_Infinite_Resignation

      That game is just wrong in so many ways for a kid that age.

      • Lion El’ Jonson

        Can confirm. I was going around school calling everyone a busta, after playing it.

      • orionburn

        That game is wrong in so many ways for people of any age…lol

        • euansmith

          After completing the bank raid mission at the start of GTA V, I then spent 12 hours driving, cycling, running, swimming and skydiving around the island, looking at the terrain and going, “Whoa!”

          Then I got back to breaking the laws of God and man. When I grow up, I want to be Trevor Philips.

  • Thomson

    My father grew up in Berlin during World War 2. He was 4-9 and took care of his 2-7 year old brother. He had to explain to him why that woman next to them just died, gunned down by a fighter plane and why they had to run for shelter because he just heard the sound of a Soviet rocket launcher.

    Made him the only true pacifist I ever knew (he served as a Lt. Col in the German Air Force by the way)

  • King Renegado

    For once it seems I must disagree. Keep 40k turned up to 11.
    Ya see, some of my earliest memories of movies I was allowed to watch included Aliens, It, terminator, and predator.

    No matter how violent the movie, I was allowed to watch. As long as there was no sex.
    My trips to the creepy, unfinished basement were always an adventure. I would grab my trusty m4-1a pulse rifle (it was a laser tag gun.) and descend into the darkness- maintaining awareness of the gap under the stairs.

    I was always certain there would be a facehugger down there, or even a spiked tail waiting to impale me.

    I was allowed to watch all those movies by the age of 4 or 5 (don’t remember much prior) because I understood movies weren’t real.

    If the lore is too dark, just teach the game. Story doesn’t matter that much.

    Remember 40k is pretty much an R film or M game. A PG version is up to you to make, because the market for 40k isn’t a PG audience.
    That and most parents don’t have a clue what wargaming is- they would be hard pressed to start shelling out cash for books, models, paints, and brushes.
    Then again, I grew up broke with parents whose idea of game night never got much more complex than trivial pursuit.

    TLDR
    Just teach the game mechanics. Let the kiddo play models he thinks are cool and go unbound til he can commit to an army and then fill him in on the gory details later when you feel the time is right.
    40k isn’t meant to be PG because, well… No element about it is for a large market PG audience whatsoever.

  • Abe Killian

    That’s quite an amusing take, but honestly – I see kids in the stores and have to wonder!

    It’s
    Not
    For
    Kids!

    Look at the themes, be a parent and work out it’s for teenagers and above!

    • Knight_of_Infinite_Resignation

      GW are to blame. It was intended for adults really, or older teens, but their marketing machine gound kids an easier mark. I have always suspected it will bite them on the @rse one day. A single concerned parent could spark a twitter storm, but GW keep targetting tweens.

      • TheEvilBlight

        And then there’s the books and the computer games.

        I await the masses boycotting Dawn of War for its dreadnought killing animations.

  • euansmith

    Friendship is heresy!

  • Andy Wise

    Kev, who manages my local GW (and who awesome to the point that my son calls the shop Kev’s Workshop) is way ahead of this. The Plague Drone he’s painted up from the starter set is known as ‘Sniffles’ and he has adopted my’s son’s moniker for the Chaos Dreadfort. It is now forever known as the Naughty Castle.

    • Rafał Pytlak

      Naughty Castle,eh? Sounds…Slaaneshy ^_^

      • euansmith

        Bouncy Castle :O

  • BenTheMan

    Oh my God. That is ridicoulus….

    I REALLY hope you are beeing sarcastic here?!

    • Munn

      It says ‘satire’ in the tags.

      • BenTheMan

        Oooh, didn’t see. 😉
        Its ok then.

    • orionburn

      Everything Pimpy does is satire. We just pretend that it’s funny so we don’t hurt his feelings. 😛

  • Munn

    For the record, children are awful and being a child hater is the default but people still lie to themselves about it.

    • Nostok

      I guess you have kids then.

  • Nostok

    My kids recently got me into AoS. They like the Stormcasts so are happily painting equal armies in their own schemes. I’m painting and building with them at the same time nurturing a Blades of Khorne army into life.

    I too came across the lore thing as they like looking at the visuals on boxes and in the books. Mostly they are asking me if things are good or bad etc. However, I didn’t hide any of it from them, I may have not gone into detail in places but I kept reminding them that it was fiction, made up in peoples heads and written down to give us a place and time to play our games.

    To be fair they have spent a lot of time running around pretending to be trolls vomiting on each other this last week.

    • Grasshopper

      So, did they pretend to be real trolls or the internet kind of trolls?

      But yeah, I think kids can handle easy concepts like bad guys emotionally quite well. Look at all those saturday morning cartoons (or whatever they are called today – Anime I presume). They are full of bad guys. Essentially 40k is nothing more than saturday morning cartoons for grown ups. Let’s face it. The whole universe is a parody of itself. So I think if one eschew to talk about all the ultra-unpleasent stuff like maiming, gore and things, then 40k should be totally safe for kids.
      AoS is also a bit different and per se more kid friendly. I love it too.

      • Nostok

        Both, but only the internet troll basics have been covered by sarcasm at home.

  • Anthony Combs

    I’ve had enough political correctness. If you can’t take the heat stay out of the kitchen.

    • Aura1

      I’ve had enough sarcasm failures. I will literally boil everyone’s heads in that selfsame kitchen. *Literally*.

  • Bakvrad

    I guess I won’t jump on the pcpofttdotlbttgw40kstcdfoabtbtt-train

    Somehow, when reading this, I felt like my father didn’t love me :S I had violent videogames (Zelda and super Mario) violent movies (robin hood with Kevin Costner) and Black Sabbath music. The worst thing was rocky horror picture show on the same video cassette as dumbo…
    Maybe Europe is different…

    I know what you mean. I saw this with a lot of buddies, when they first introduced their children to the hobby. It was fun and awkward at the same time ^^ still not sure how much bubblewrap i am going to use, when my firstborn is born ^^

    • Frostasche

      I felt almost the same. “The emperor is just sleeping.” Even The Lion King and Bambi have death as a mayor plot part, not to mention old child stories like Struwwelpeter. I grow up with books like Krabat, and i am not a serial killer, at least as far as i remember.^^

      Sometimes i think it actually works the other way around. Your children are not that dumb and sooner or later they will find out, you are hiding something. And as we all know a forbidden fruit is quite tempting.

      And how can there be any moral development, if the child is never confronted with moral dilemmas? In no way am i saying that parents should let everything unfiltered and unsupervised to their child, but they should also not generally block everything “evil”. Give them space to actually grow, not let the moral knowledge wither away, because they never need it.

    • Pimpcron

      Dude, I couldn’t be less serious if I tried. I’m not PC at all, and I’m making fun of those people in this article. It’s even tagged satire. lol

      • Bakvrad

        Yeah and I love them – I just wanted to find a way to put that “shortcut” for your made up organization ^^
        Keep doing your thing it’s appreciated ^^

        • Pimpcron

          Thanks for getting it, and for reading my stuff, and for being a regular commentor for the recent weeks! I like seeing friendly faces.

  • Adam Richard Corrigan

    That made my brain hurt. Nothing wrong with it, I’m 36, started the hobby and it didn’t have a negative affect on me, apart from the occasional rage, curb stomping. I play The Walking Dead game with my 4 year old who loves the Tiger eating Zombies and the little girl squashing their skulls with her hammer.

  • Pimpcron
    • orionburn
      • euansmith

        “Up and at them.”

        • orionburn

          Hahahahaha! I thought I was the only one that ever remembers that. One of our greyhounds race name was Atomic Dog (call name Atom) so I say that to him every now and then….lol

        • GnomesForge

          The goggle do nothing!

    • Rafał Pytlak

      Just as planned…

      • euansmith

        The trouble starts where your kids begin to fight over which one of them is Alpharius.

        • Rafał Pytlak

          Why not both? 😉

    • Ghachii

      In people’s defense, your writing style when you’re talking about something you have a genuine opinion on is pretty similar. I could understand why people might think you were trying to start a genuine debate. And hey, why not have the debate anyway now that we’re all here?

      • Pimpcron

        That is the whole point of satire. To act like you are 100% serious about something, while highlighting all of the things you don’t agree with about the topic but never drop the facade.

  • ZeeLobby

    In the far distant future of “fake news” I guess the concepts of humor and satire are totally lost. It’s like when people totally misconceive opinion articles as bias…

    • orionburn

      Or take articles from The Onion seriously.

      • ZeeLobby

        Honestly there’s even scary places people believe now these days…

        • orionburn

          What’s worse is sites that started as satire seem to be real news these days with the general insanity of the world…lol

    • GnomesForge

      Perhaps if they actually had quality control, it might work in their favour. I honestly cant tell half he time so.

  • Stu Reeves

    This is something I cannot agree with. Warhammer always was and is a wargame about horror and large scale killing. Once you censor out the key point of the game then whats left. You may be a concerned parent writing this. But choosing to let someone play a game which has such graphic elements is the same as deciding what movie to let them watch. Don’t suggest that they change the warhammer universe to bunnies and rainbows because you don’t aproove of someone knowing what it is actually about.

    • Deacon Ix

      First Pimpcron Article?

    • euansmith

      Pimpcron (with his horrible online name, though in truth it is less offensive than his actual name) writes a weekly humourous post. This is that post. 😉

      • Pimpcron

        My real name Harry Arseface McTrickle is a noble name with lots of history. You’re one to talk, you don’t even have a space between your names. -drops mic-

    • Aura1

      Why do you hate children???!!!111!!!

  • michaelkeha

    No it doesn’t at all I grew up watching horror movies and the cartoons of my childhood were things like Courage the cowardly dog and the Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy if you are soo worried that your kid is going to be messed by stuff like this then you are failing as a parent if anything Warhammer should be cranking up the violence in the fluff

    • Ben Martin

      –the point–

      ~Your Head~

  • Ben Martin

    I genuinely can’t tell if all the people in the comments actually think this is serious?

    • orionburn

      Clearly this article was written in the sarcasm font. Not everyone has it installed, though.

    • GnomesForge

      BOLS constantly screws up simple facts and publishes tripe. its not a stretch to be confused.

  • m3g4tr0n

    Friday Flame-fest…ACTIVATE!

  • Davis Centis

    I showed the game to my 5-year old nephew, letting him play a Heldrake as “dragon” that burned the Genestealer Cult guys. Not one day later and I find him sharpening his teeth and sticking pins in his eyelids while sacrificing nude women on an altar to Slannesh. #BanAnythingWarhammer

  • TheEvilBlight

    Perhaps that’s why starters used to be Space Marines vs Orks, and why 40k’s extension from fantasy provided a fairly easy transition of tropes familiar to youth.

    “Those are space orks, like the fantasy land based ones. And these are the space knights that slay the space orks”

    Thereby eliminating 99% of controversy.

    Now it’s primaris versus Death Guard, so…hmm…

    • euansmith

      “… and that’s how you end up as a smelly ol’ Death Guard; so you’d better clean your teeth and wash behind your ears.”

  • benn grimm

    Nerf kids, they are far too OP. Don’t get me started on child-spam…

    • davepak

      they take over everything!

      • benn grimm

        They do. Like an infection. Or a mongol horde…;)

      • euansmith

        The have Super Objective Secured!

  • Dan Wilson

    On a serious note… Pets became a thing for a reason. They serve an emotional purpose, by introducing the child to the concept of death at an early age. So that it doesn’t right royally screw them up when they’re older.

    • ILikeToColourRed

      I’m concerned that you think people only keep animals to acclimatise themselves to death

      • euansmith

        There are vet’s bills too. That’s another valuable life lesson.

  • Drew_Da_Destroya

    “Dark Angels- Not Traitors”

    I see what you did there…

  • GnomesForge

    How about you just have your kids do something age appropriate or play sigmar. Not needing a dude named after a Pimp to ruin our game because suddenly he thinks it aint for kids. Its not.

    • Pimpcron

      (sigh) It was a joke. Most of what I write is satire, man.

  • memitchell

    When I tried to introduce my son to 40K, I found myself not so much concerned with the violence, but mumbling through the nonsense. Orks live to fight. Tyranids eat EVERYTHING. Harlequins are Ninja Clowns. Space Marines don’t like girls. Sisters of Battle don’t like anyone, including themselves. Especially themselves. Tau like everyone. When a Daddy Genestealer and a Mommy Human love each other very much, the Daddy gives the Mommy a very special kiss…

    He ended up liking Tau. Friends don’t let friends play Tau. So, 40K was an Epic Fail.

    NOTE: this is Satire (there’s NOTHING funny about humor).

  • ILikeToColourRed

    is this satire about the way people want to sanitise the setting by removing /just/ slaanesh

    • Pimpcron

      Yes. And over-protective parents.

  • davepak

    While this is funny…ironically, I do think the fluff has too much influence on the GAME.

    I think the new crusade is cool – I also like they brought back guilliman – I suspected as much several codexes ago when his wounds were healing while in stasis.

    However – too much means we have a rules and model focus on those big fluffy guys.

    Sure, gilly is amazing in the fluff – so are some of the chaos guys (magnus – holy snot). But where are the big units in other armies to stand up to them? Gilly out classes just about any big name character in any non-chaos book.

    How about a bit more tough stuff for some of the other armies.
    (and no, a stompa is not a good comparison….).

    Anyway, funny article regardless….

    • 301stFeinminsterArmoured

      Agreed, almost all named characters need to be at least a serious threat, if not necessarily the difference between a win and a rout.

  • Shawn Lyons

    As a father myself I couldn’t disagree more. Kids who are protected from birth to 18 haven’t learned how to be an adult and cannot cope with situations that arise.

    • 301stFeinminsterArmoured

      I’m triggered.

      JK, but seriously, there’s a difference between saving difficult topics for when they’re more mature, and hermetically sealing them against, while over-dramatizing, failure. The later is dangerous because it breeds an overdeveloped sense of entitlement and an utter lack of accountability.

  • Sean Klingler

    I think censoring for your kids is fine. Just why ruin it for everyone else..? I don’t understand why you need a petition.

    • Pimpcron

      This was all a joke man. I’m making fun of parents like this. It’s satire.

  • Timotheus

    Thanks Pimpcron, I needed that lough! 😉

    • Pimpcron

      And thanks for chiming in to say that, brother.

  • Hendrik Booraem VI

    I have kids. Three of them actively play and have since 8 years old or so. Kids need to learn how to handle losing (and winning) gracefully and it is our job as parents to model this for them and teach them to do it. Anything less leads to the (eventual) collapse of western civilization and triumph of destructive ideologies like Islam (and chaos).

    Do your job, don’t be a punk.

  • Matt

    What’s the accepted/approved age to play for this game?

    • euansmith

      42

  • euansmith

    When my sister had two boys she said, “No sweets and no war toys.”; they stole he chocolate stash and ran around “shooting” each other with anything that would fit in their hands. Kids, eh?

  • Pimpcron

    I have no idea how you could read this article and take it seriously.

  • Admiral Raptor

    Good article! But it hit too close to home for me. As someone who works with children for a living, I can confirm that parents like this actually exist and that they are the worst. They do far more harm to their children’s development than the world that they fear so much.

    • Pimpcron

      Thanks for at least realizing what this article was. lol. Yeah, I don’t like over-protective parents.

  • william timonen

    The children needs some Angron models!