Pimpcron: 40k Armies as Your FB Friends

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Pimpcron reveals how neurotic these factions would be.

Nearly everyone knows some other person, right? I’m the Pimpcron, and this is how it would be if you had 40k armies as Facebook friends.

Ork-

Ork would be the most trashy, “ratchet” friend you have: from airing its unsavory private life on social media, to posting selfies of its bad tattoos. Probably captioning its pics with “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best”. Always ready to fight someone online over literally anything and nearly always turning online threats into physical ones.

Imperium-

The Imperium would be the friend who literally believes anything a meme told them. From the stupidest “facts” to the strangest conspiracies, if you put a picture in a black frame with Impact font text, you’ve got a new believer. Imperium is exactly like your friend Tau, just different ends of the spectrum and boy do they butt heads over nearly everything. They call Tau a Sheeple and Tau calls them an idiot.

Tau-

Tau would be the friend that always shares links to science articles, and is a science cultist through and through. If Neil Degrasse Tyson didn’t say it, it doesn’t exist and never will. He has no science background himself, and was probably an average science student in school. But on Facebook he is the Champion of anything someone else said as long as they wear a lab coat. As close minded as your friends get, his world view is very easily shaken with the idea of something not yet proven. Tau and Imperium don’t get along very well.

 

Eldar-

Eldar will not shut up about how ‘spiritual’ they are and how much yoga they do. Looking at their photo album, it looks like a gallery of inspirational posters. Sunsets on the beach while doing yoga, sunrises on a mountain top while meditating, swimming in a lake with a pompous-ass quote from some famous person. Oh, yeah they love quotes. They fill your feed everyday with some inspirational meme or quote about following your dream, achieving your goals or finding your center.

Necrons-

Necrons have never been recorded saying or writing a positive comment. A downer at every party you might drag them to, and probably a recluse. They almost never reply to comments people make on their constantly-negative comments and posts. They get their jollies by making vaguely depressing  posts so that people ask what’s wrong and they can play coy and not reply. They say they hate drama, but the very first person start it.

Tyranids-

Dear God, if you see one more food selfie from this friend you are going to unfollow them. You say this nearly every day but occasionally they do post a good recipe from Pinterest. When they aren’t taking photos of their meals, they are talking incessantly about their new fad diet they just started that is the best thing in the world. This new diet is way better than that old one because of [reason] and they are bound and determined to stick with this one because [reason]. A week later they say that diet was crap and post a pic of them at the county fair eating a corndog.

Chaos-

Chaos would be that friend that trolls everyone online. Never serious, just always trying to generate butt hurt. Constantly sharing intentionally inflammatory images and links, even if he doesn’t believe in it. Tagging friends in posts that he knows will piss them off. It’s ya boi, Chaos!

I think this is my single favorite article I’ve ever done. Lol. They need a reality show.

Know anybody like these?

Check out the awesome hand-made terrain kickstarter of terrains4games here.

I’ve bought a lot of it for my convention. Beautiful.

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2017 Shorehammer Button for BoLS

Rules can be found at brutalityskirmishwargame@gmail.com if you don’t Facebook.

  • BrianDavion

    I think you do a disservice by making the Imperium a single faction. so much comedy potential… lost 🙂

    • NNextremNN

      Oh yeah this needs a followup:

      Imperial factions as Your FB Friends

      XD

    • Pimpcron

      Maybe I’ll do a sequel. But the Imperium, as a whole, believe in something no matter how iffy it is.

      • Inquisitor Corwin

        Here I’m imagining the Inquisition (that one crazy friend who has a bad habit of being right about things) and the Eldar stringing along the Space Wolves (closet furry, drinks alot, but reliable). At some point, Ahriman needs to join in, too. :3

      • BrianDavion

        I dunno space marines for the most part haven’t bought in the emperor worship….yet

  • Rush Darling

    Oh Tyra. Now I’m concerned about Nids and Eldar forming a fearsome coalition to bring health and wellbeing to the galaxy.

    • Pimpcron

      Me too. And pompous while they’re at it. 🙂

  • Iconoc1ast

    Loved this.

    Embrace the trolling!

    • Pimpcron

      😀 Thank you

  • Fergie0044

    We all have that one friend who could be a kult of speed ork. You know the one, endless posting of videos with beat up cars with massive engines and massive exhausts reving in some empty car park? Oh look backfire, how awesome bro. Ugh

    • EnTyme

      Then you go over to visit and see he bought another rusted-out hull, but this time, he’ll definitely fix it up! Never mind the seven other tetanus farms rotting on his front lawn or the fact that his property is now legally classified as a scrap yard, he’s definitely going to restore this one!

  • Michał BLN

    A proper ‘cron won’t post a single thing on his wall. Death is silent (apart from Pratchett’s voiced one, it is).

    • Mathew G. Smith

      NAGASH IS DISPLEASED YOU FORGOT HIM.

    • Inquisitor Corwin

      The Overlords/Phaerons would post like crazy. Of course, the Silent King would be that person who’s following just about everything but never posts or updates except the occasional picture of a duck.

  • Deacon Ix

    Chaos is perfect 😀

    • Pimpcron

      My fav too. 🙂

  • Let the FB wall burn!!

  • ILikeToColourRed

    awesome – all we need now is dark posting links to obscure metal bands and their new piercings

  • Shiny Dog

    Oh my many gods, this is awesome.

    • Pimpcron

      Thanks!

  • sjap98

    Hilarious!
    And quite some work done in the fb images.
    Now wondering if Imperium, Tyra Nid, Chaos, Cronnie and Da Boi really exist!

  • Me

    I loved it! …even though I know those people in real life. The only one missing is the “everything sucks and it’s everyone else’s fault and here is exactly what everyone but me did wrong” guy.

    • Fergie0044

      Dark Angels?

    • Inquisitor Corwin

      Ulthwe? Exodites? Curze? Add some snark and you’ve got the Dark Eldar.

  • Volcifar

    Absolutely my favorite article yet. Keep up the good work and please do an Imperial faction version!

  • IronMaster

    Would Dark Eldar then be that weird wannabe suicide girl that posts derranged tattoo and body mod pics all the time?

    Inquisition doesn’t actually post, they just notify Facebook of inappropriate activity nonstop.

    Sisters of Battle consistently post religious quotes #blessed. Also super against vaccinations. You know they cause chaos mutations…

    AdMech, unlike Tau, is that one guy that’s an actual Engineer that tries to shoot down all possibilities of any of Tau’s articles.

  • Richard Mitchell

    Man, this was a great article. Tots for sure. Art imitating life.

  • Ryan Miller

    Space marines are all boreal wannabes

  • Andy Wise

    Loving this – where’s the satire though Pimp? Didn’t have to second guess the humour once 😉

  • memitchell

    Genestealer Cult would be that guy who makes uncomfortable comments to and about women. Turns EVERYTHING into something dirty. But, he means well. #Who’syourDaddy

  • I have one of these somewhere on the Primarchs. Most awkward text-conversations I have ever seen…

  • Dave Bone

    I found this article to be amusing and shared it.