Pimpcron: Fake Game Store Headlines

From a cashier who ruins lives, to a store that causes missing persons.

Hey people! The Pimpcron has been busy scouring the internet for more news stories related to our hobby. By they way, I shouldn’t have to say this, but they aren’t real.

A Local Game Store Cashier Fired For Ruining Lives

New York, NY – Quite a commotion has arisen around the termination of a gaming store’s cashier. The cashier, Clara Thompson was fired last Friday after being accused of a laundry list of allegations by her customers. Allegations range from preferential treatment for some customers, to harassment of others. We spoke with some of her accusers to get down to the bottom of this.

“Okay, so everybody at the store knows I’m a married guy. Clara was always friendly but honestly a bit a too friendly with me. Every time I walk in she perks up and says things to me like, ‘Hi Thomas! How’s it going?’ or ‘I managed to get your order on a sooner shipment. Your package is in.’ I mean, plenty of people have worked at that store, and nobody ever did that for me. It got creepy after a while.”

“Um that is correct. I was one of her victims. Clara has manipulated me into spending hundreds of dollars that I didn’t want to spend, just to get her to like me. Every week it was a different suggestion. She’d say stuff like ‘Hey Mike, they are coming out with another Harley Quinn comic title, do you want to add that to your other 3 Quinn titles?’ of ‘Mike! Ya gotta try this new board game. The weekly gaming group has had a blast with it.’

She knew I couldn’t say no to her, and she knew I was attracted to her. I made my intentions clear a couple months ago when I bought her a soda from the fridge when she forgot her wallet. There’s no way she forgot that. I feel embarrassed, and used. We never even had a date unless you count that time my group canceled and her and I talked about comics for half an hour. Yeah, I guess that was a date.”

“Yeah, I’m one of the victims. So basically, she destroyed my marriage. [laughs bitterly] She was sending me all of these signals over the course of a year: laughing at my jokes, making tons of eye contact when I’m talking to her, really obvious clues. So I took the plunge, got a divorce, left everything behind, and when I said we could finally be together, she played innocent and said she had ‘no idea’ what I was talking about.”

Clara could not be reached for comment, but our sources say that she is now preying on customers at the local comic shop.

Local UK Man Arrested for Murder

England – Saturday morning, police were called to a grisly scene. The murder for a man, aged 44, was discovered dead in his garage by the paper boy around 6 AM. After examining the scene, police had only a few possible suspects. The victim worked for a delivery company who delivered paints to a local hobby store and he was recently at the center of a dried-up paint fiasco. When the paint pots were delivered, an employee flew into a rage about how thick the paints were. After a heated argument, the two parted ways.

The Authorities had a hard time determining who this employee was at first, with nearly nothing to go on. Several employees worked at that store, one being in charge of Magic, another in charge of Board Games and RPGs and another was the head of the wargaming department.

The Crime Scene Investigation unit discovered new details of the murder that lead police to arrest the murderer. When examining the blood spatter pattern on the wall, investigators noticed that the blood had been thinned and was splattered on the wall in two thin coats. They knew who it had to be.

Game Store At Center of Missing Person

Ontario – Phillip Weyser had been missing for two weeks. His family was devastated, and his employer was holding a candle-lit vigil. The entire neighborhood came together to search the wilderness around his home. Search parties scoured the areas and a local pond was dredged. This was the epitome of cold case files: Police found no possible enemies, no probable cause, and no leads. His family finally accepted the fact that Phillip was probably dead.

And that’s when the lead investigator discovered a clue that he knew would close the case. When searching Phillip’s home, there was a secret room uncovered. It was full of Warhammer and RPG paraphernalia. A single receipt had been left accidentally which had the name of the store on it: Grocery Store Gaming & Comics. Phillip’s wife was crushed at the news. She said Phillip was a recovering wargamer and said he had been clean for years. ‘What nefarious gaming store calls itself Grocery Store?’ she asked. The officer replied ‘a gaming store that wants to hide on your Visa bill’.

Police raided the store using the address on the receipt and found a startling revelation. An entire commune of gamers that had gone missing over the past couple years, they were living in squalor in the back storage room. Piles of Doritos bags, soda cans, and sprue clippings littered the room. They had found their missing man, and twelve other missing gamers. Soon after, the store closed due to angry wife-protests in front of the store.

When interviewed, Phillip had this to say, “Like a fallen angel, I too knew what it was like to live in heaven for a brief time. But my sins ejected me and my brothers. I’m back with my family and my old job, but I will forever be haunted by the Warhammer campaign we never finished.”

A happy ending to the story? We wonder.

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  • Diagoras

    “When examining the blood spatter pattern on the wall, investigators noticed that the blood had been thinned and was splattered on the wall in two thin coats. They knew who it had to be.”

    I mean, you want the wall to look smooth and realistic, don’t you? You don’t want it to be all clumpy. Even if your goal is to make the blood look like it was haphazardly splattered on there, it needs to look like it was splattered in scale.

    • dave long island

      Haw haw haw!! OMG. Ya it’s Duncan ‘Dexter’ Rhodes… lol

  • memitchell

    Small town braces for huge influx of gamers at a small local gamestore convention..

    Flyers say 40K players should meet here this Saturday. Forty-thousand people! OMG!

  • Dennis J. Pechavar

    Wives. Keep the games from happening, am I right? Actually depending on the game it is true. My wife likes board games and some card games but tabletop battles she hates. Too bad she was so close to perfect.

    • AEZ

      Yeah that is a definate no.. get rid of her..

      • Dennis J. Pechavar

        Well if I must.

  • MechBattler

    In other news, a neckbeard dropped his codex and it slipped into a storm drain. When he attempted to retrieve it, he was dragged in by a clown. Bystanders didn’t care.