40K: Why YOUR Army is Terrible – Part II

We didn’t get to finish out chat yesterday about your army…let’s talk.

Oh you didn’t think we forgot about YOUR army did you? Every army has SOMETHING that drives players crazy and you’re army is not the exception. Check out Part I HERE. Let’s dive in!

Grey Knights

It’s a good thing your Smite is shorter than everyone else because otherwise you’d be the worst Smite Spam offender on the planet. And unlike those pesky Brimstone Horrors, you guys actually do OTHER things on your turn. Like shoot. And hit hard in Melee. Grey Knights, you’re terrible to play against because we all still have memories of 5th edition and we still hate you for it.

Space Marines (Non-Ultramarine Chapters)

We’re not going to actually bother to break you all down into different chapters and rant about you individually. We’re lumping all of you Power Armor wearing, Bolter shooting, Chainsword swinging, GMO having jerks into one big pile. (Yes, Space Wolves – your flea-ridden furs are going to have to stand next to your favorite traitors the Dark Angels for this one. Even you Pretty-boy wanna be Space Vampires are lumped in here.)

You’re all BORING. What’s it like to only need to remember “I need a 3+” for all game? We’re so happy you got some new Primaris Marines to play with now – how DO they get around the galaxy anyways? Do they load-up into Repulsors and just deepstrike from Orbit? You don’t even like them! How do we know? You won’t even let them ride in the same transports as you. It’s cute that you think you have “Special Rules” that make you a different flavor besides “Vanilla” – but it doesn’t. You’re all a different shade of BLAH.

Thousand Sons

Thousand Sons? More like Magnus and the Thousand Brimstones. Do you even Rubric?! You got so many new models and all you bring are Brimstones! If our armies got an entirely new line of miniatures you can be we’d all be playing with those. But you…you’re like the kid that gets an awesome toy for Christmas but would rather play with the refrigerator box. Your army is like those joke candles that re-lit after you blow them out. Here’s the thing – NO ONE LIKES THOSE CANDLES. The only one laughing is YOU. Stop using those! Do you know how big of a fire hazard those are!?

Ynnari

If there was any army that could be more cheaty than Aeldari, its the Ynnari – but of course they are! Your army is a mix of all the cheaty-Eldar tricks AND Dark Eldar tricks mixed in with some colorful sprinkles known as Harlequins. No other army breaks the game order as much as YOU do and it’s not just annoying, it’s confusing. Will all your interrupt moves how are we supposed to keep the turn order straight? We kill one unit and suddenly you’re all “I’m moving/attacking/shooting” and this this dies and then you do it all again?! NO! You stop with the out of sequence play, good sir. I say Good DAY!

Necrons

Oh joy – it’s the Space Robot Skeletons who don’t stay dead! You’re basically Space Marines without skin – you know that, right? You’re Terminator knock offs and that franchise has been dead since August 29, 1997. How many times are you going to make the stupid “We’ll Be Back” joke with your terrible Arnold impression? Sometimes we wish you just bury yourself back on your Tomb Worlds and take a nap again because playing against you is putting us back to sleep.

Genestealer Cult

Let me get this straight, you can pretty much ambush with any unit in your army and you have a bunch of Characters that toss buff auras out that can make your pesky guys super-human? On top of that non-sense, you can also form some unholy Voltron-like alliance between Tyranids and Astra Militarum?! What kind of junk is that? No one needs to play against Flyrants AND Leman Russ Tanks in the same list.

T’au

Look, we know you have a think for Manga-inspired stuff. But c’mon man. Playing against your gunline is like watching paint dry. All you do is roll dice and then we pick-up models. Can you at least try something other than Riptides and Stormsurges? What’s that? You don’t own anything else? No, you’ve got a point – why WOULD you buy anything else. The dream of a Kroot Merc army will just have to go on the back-burner…again.

Drukhari

You’re army is terrible because nobody knows what you even do. We haven’t seen you on the table sense Venoms were cool. Honestly, we thought your line got cancelled but then the Ynnari showed up and ironically breathed some new life into you.

Sisters of Battle

You get a TRIO of plastic models (finally) and suddenly that’s pretty much all you bring now. Stop it with the Celestine. She’s the worst to have to deal with. And you pretty much have to kill her twice per game. “Living Miracle” – pfft, more like a recurring nightmare. Plus, you KNOW as soon as you get a new Codex the next edition will be out within weeks. She’s the true Harbinger of the End-Times! Oh and your “Acts of Faith” should be renamed “How to Cheat, Legally.”

 

That’s all we’ve got for why YOUR army is terrible. If your army didn’t make it on our two part series – too bad. It’s so terrible we didn’t even want to mention it…or something.

  • pokemastercube .

    can we have a part 3+4 to cover the forge world additions to the armies?

  • YetAnotherFacelessMan

    Seriously. This is the worst part of the hobby. Don’t give people crap, even jokingly, for what flavor of little plastic miniature they want to collect and paint. “We hate you”, “Your army is boring”, “Your army is basically cheating”, “just bury yourself”.

    It’s just a joke, you say! Well, I say that it’s a bad joke and I’m not laughing. There is no comedy in your humor. All I read is a tragic lack of warmth and empathy for your fellow players.

    I understand that it’s just a game about little plastic men, and we talk about it so much that we get a warped perspective about these things… but imagine that you’re a player that hasn’t been on the forums getting covered in layers of jade and salt for years.

    Imagine if this is the first post you ever read on Bell of Lost Souls. You’ve gotten into the hobby and picked up a starter set of necrons and some leadbelcher spray. Someone up at your local store tells you you can head to BoLS to find news and interesting articles, so you go there…

    Oh. It look like Adam Harry thinks that your army is so boring that you should kill yourself.

    I know someone is going to argue severity. I know someone is going to reply “It’s not as bad as you say it is”. Then how bad is it? Why does it have to be bad to begin with?

    I know someone is going to argue comedy. I know someone is going to reply “It’s just a joke, man.” So the punchline is that every army in 40k is terrible and the players who play them are worse?

    This is cancer. Cut it out.

    • David Clift

      The article made me laugh and your rant reminded me that at times we take these things far too seriously.
      In reply to ‘its not as bad as you say it is’ I would say it wasn’t bad to begin with.
      At the end of the day were talking about ‘wargaming’ not a serious topic like actual ‘war’.

      • YetAnotherFacelessMan

        Right. This is not a serious topic. That means there is even less reason to give people crap for it. If some guy paints his marines blue, he shouldn’t get crap for it. If some kid buys, assembles, and paints necrons, he shouldn’t get crap for it. These are toys we play with in a game on a table. We shouldn’t HATE over it.

        Direct quotes from this article I’d like you to say directly to the face of the next stranger you see walk into your local gamestore, please:

        “We still hate you,”
        “your army is boring,”
        “sometimes we wish you’d just bury yourself.”

        I guess bottom line, I’d just like more articles that inform and uplift, making me excited and happy to be involved in the hobby, and fewer articles that deride or insult. This is the humor of a drowning man. This is pushing players down to feel a little higher.

        I don’t particularly like it.

        • Spade McTrowel

          Next Article…

          Thirty-Two UPLIFTING Yoga Poses for Faceless Men! You won’t believe 2 and 11!

        • Calgar

          I honestly can’t tell if you are trolling, or just don’t understand the point of satire.

          • YetAnotherFacelessMan

            Sure, Calgar. I’m a troll whose goal is to put forth the idea of not giving people crap for playing a tabletop game. This is a controversial stance that I’m adopting. I’m doing it for the lulz. You caught me.

            “Satire”. Jesus Christ. Jonathan Swift is satire. That had a point. This is so blunt by comparison that I don’t know whether to swing it or smoke it.

          • Gary Smith

            The only way your rant would have even a single iota of merit is if the author had singled out any one faction.

            The article is literally mocking the very people you’re ranting about. You’re arguing against an author you agree with.

          • YetAnotherFacelessMan

            Oh joy! That’s what I want! MORE MOCKING! Which people is he mocking exactly? What do I agree with him on exactly? You seem to have such insight into both Adam Harry and myself, please explain.

    • Yetanotherfacelessguyfellow

      To be fair, I just picked up the hobby, with a necron starter kit, and some leadbelcher spray. These articles are…wait for it.. HILARIOUS. Being able to laugh at yourself is inportant, keeps us all humble. I really doubt anyone but you is braindead enough to think this guy actually thinks I should kill myself. Quit taking yourself so seriously anonamoos.

    • Legitimancer

      I think introspective humor is healthy for any community. An inability to laugh at ourselves and the conditions we surround ourselves with can only lead to greater negativity within our hobby.

    • benn grimm

      Lol. Pretty sure it is a joke, try not let it it tilt you guy.

    • Munn

      The Sisters of Battle one made me chuckle.

    • He tried to immitate Pimpcron and failed.

  • Shendu

    love these articles. but I´m guessing the author hasen´t played against 8th edition tau yet. you won´t see a single stormsurge or riptide on the table. instead all you see now are commanders who think they are a 1 man army coupled with a billion drones that just shout pew pew pew pew pew none stop coupled with the unholy microwave Y’VAHRA that spawned the new populair int meme.

    • YetAnotherFacelessMan

      Which is a darn shame. I really think this should be the edition of the strike team. They’ve got the range. They’ve got the magical strength number that lets them wound on 5 minimum against anything. They’ve got markerlights that boost their BS and don’t go away after the first squad fires… and breacher teams also look more impressive to me these days!

      Real shame that I only know one tau player who is enjoying their troops these days.

      • Sniddy

        A shooty army with near universal BS 4+ on big expensive units, sure with just 4 or 5 markerlights you can get that to BS3….so you need about 8 – 10 marker lights….

        Near everything feels overpriced, by huge amounts….I get a little angry when I compare even a simple las pred to a hammerhead….

    • Sniddy

      Stormsurge you may in a local friendly, riptide only if it’s now a smashed up scenery piece – I too expected the commander spam joke, but hey – he hasn’t moved with the times

  • memitchell

    The author did not mention, nor lament the Genestealer Cult’s complete lack of Boob Armor. Not one single female in what is supposed to be a “citizen’s” army of miners and industrial workers overseen by their alien overlords? Or, does this mean that even in the 40th Millennium, women have not broken through the “Glass Floor,” denied the opportunity to perform low level (literally), grueling, monotonous jobs in caustic, toxic environments? And, then not be able to be all they can be as the Four-Armed Father’s cannon fodder? For shame, Sir! Let the Genestealer Cult motto ring forth, “Boob armor or bust!”

    • YetAnotherFacelessMan

      See that? That’s comedy. That’s a topical post about how people want more female miniatures applied to a faction that no one seems to have actually asked for female miniatures for. It turns to conversation sideways as a way of exploring the topic further in a light-hearted manner that doesn’t insult people on either side of the argument, and then it caps it off with a wordplay.

      This is a joke.

      • Lance O’Dell

        your joke sucks.

  • rtheom

    That Thousand Sons bit is definitely the best of both of these. So true…. so very true….

  • J Mad

    Ok…Drukhari made me laugh, and then cried….

    • David Harrison

      Wow that’s a great metaphor for Drew Carey’s career

  • benn grimm

    Salient points all. All armies are terrible, cept the Orks, and Daemons I guess since you didn’t mention them. Sounds about right to me…)

    • Marcus Clark

      O i bet Orks will be mentioned, Obusive troop Spam, how bikers are rubbish, the truks are forgotten for big walkers with bubble invul saves, how the classic kan or dreadnought are forgotten. No one cares about you which is why you havent had a new model range excluding new trucks and stomperz. Demons are the same as thousandsons brimston spam, or every army relies on smite and disgusingly reslient.

      • benn grimm

        They were mentioned, in part 1. ‘You guys are cool’ was what we got. Go check it out, links above.

        • Marcus Clark

          Really, I must have missed that link, cheers.

          • benn grimm

            No probs, bit of a cop out really, I guess he just ran out of time.

          • Marcus Clark

            happens to all of us

          • benn grimm

            True dat.

          • Patriarch

            That was the best bit! A rant at every over-the-top, cheesy spam aspect he could think of for every 40k army, and then for Orks…. “I got nothing”.

          • benn grimm

            Ok, you’ve convinced me…)

  • Domenico Malavisi

    I LOVE how after the first article everyone was like wtf? Is this a Joke? So the author made the second article even more blatantly joking, and now people are like this is too over the top! This offends me! Welcome to 2017.

  • Cameron Billquist

    HA HA

    My beloved imperial guard got out unscathed!

  • Ninety

    The Space Marine one got real.