Pimpcron: Does Power Armor Have a ‘Restroom’ Port?

  • Posted by
  • at

I had some questions, so I found some answers.

“So here I go again, on my own.

Blogging on the only topic I’ve ever known.

Like Destroyer I was manufactured, to work alone.

And I’ve made up my mind, I’m not wasting no more time, here I go again!”

Hey y’all! How is it going? The one and only Pimpcron is here this week with an article to answer those hard questions we all wonder. And you can help answer them by commenting.

How Do Space Marines Go [insert bathroom innuendo]?

So these guys are super humans and all, but I’ve never read anywhere that they had their waste orifices sewn up. So let’s say you are in the heat of battle decapitating heretics and the like (you know how you do), and suddenly the Chaplain’s famous Texas Tyranid Chili comes back to haunt you. You can’t just turn and run, but in turn, running will happen if you don’t. Down your leg. Is there an “exhaust” flap in the back that a friendly servitor could open for you to “vent your plasma”? See, these are the questions that keep me up at night.

A: Well, from what I can find on the internet, Space Marines use almost all of their food they eat (which isn’t much apparently) and only minimal amounts of waste are produced. Their body burns everything else up. Just stay away from the Chaplain’s chili.

Do Chainswords Run Out of Gas?

Chainswords are cool, and oh so “metal”. But how do they work? If you went up to a Techpriest he’s probably say “Bruh, I have no idea. Did you ask its spirit how it works?” If they are gasoline-powered like you’d assume being that they are a variant of a chainsaw, where is their gas tank? If this is the real way they operate, I want them to FAQ chainswords to Once Per Battle use weapons. That tank is tiny if it’s just hidden in the handle like that.

A: After some sleuthing, I discovered that some variants do appear to be powered by Prometheum (gas) but vary in fuel efficiency. Others are powered by “self-sustaining generators”, whatever that means. Prayer. I bet it’s prayer that makes these engines of murder run. Moving on.

Why Do Some Sisters of Battle Have White Hair?

Saint Lady Gaga

What is their deal? Is this the chapter that is only made of cougars? It’s like the Golden Girls threw on the armor of contempt and now deal death in the name of the Emperor. Rose with a Heavy Flamer, Dorothy is a Tank Commander, Sofia is wielding dual Powerfists, and Blanche’s Servitors have very … odd arm attachments.

A: Actually, while many people think all SoB have white hair, it is primarily just the “Order of Our Martyred Lady” Chapter. They dye their hair white in remembrance of the founding of the Sisters of Battle when their leader’s hair turned white when she met the Emperor. I can only assume he was hiding behind a fern in the Throne Room and jumped out in front of her. Man, haha, he totally spooked her.

Why Do Orks Love To Fight?

This may seem like a joke at first, but there has to be a real reason behind why Orks fight, right? All of this violence can’t just be left-over aggression from a soccer riot millions of years ago. Or could it?

Except this one, he only wants to play WoW.

Actually, the funny thing is, is that the reason why they love to fight has been explained. It is based on their robust physiology.

A: Orks have been noted as talking for a while after being decapitated and they hardly feel pain at all. They actually have a bit in common with Dark Eldar in the fact that they enjoy sensory input more than many other races (save maybe Noise Marines). So they love things that are loud because they enjoy being exposed to things that would give other races great pain. They also love to fight because they think the reaction they get while hurting other races is funny because they don’t react that way.

They are basically a bunch of jocks or football hooligans trying to show off their macho-ness by chest bumping, high fiving, and saying “bro” a lot. But all of those things I just described are for squishy, soft, weak humies. Their version of being a good “Bro” is blowing things up, fist fighting over literally nothing, knocking each other’s teeth out, taking each other’s stuff by force, and then maybe finishing out the day by laughing at the little Eldars as you beat them senseless.

The other, maybe real reason, behind their love of war is that they were speculated to be bred for fighting by the Old Ones. They were supposedly created to be shock troops, but were bred too durable and outlasted even the Old Ones.

Why Am I So Ugly?

Sorry, even the Inquisition can’t help poor genetics. Blame your parents.

~Did I get anything wrong? What are your burning questions? I bet our comments section can answer them.

Pimpcron signature 3

2017 Shorehammer Button for BoLS

Or contact me at brutalityskirmishwargame@gmail.com for the latest rules if you don’t do the Facebooks.

  • Kritarion

    +1 for the Slingshot Channel Picture.

  • Fergie0044

    I seem to recall some old fluff from the war in heaven how the nightbringer imprinted a fear of death in all of the old ones creations … apart from the orks.
    So they simply don’t care about the consequences of war and fighting. Not that fancy ‘years of training, genetic engineering and brainwashing’ know no fear type thing, just literally no fear.

    • James Regan

      yeah i remember that as well- they retreat due to tactical instinct (the same way some are born with the knowledge of how to build interdimensional spacecraft), but part of the reason this doesn’t make them dislike fighting is because it isn’t a fear reaction, just something you do, like how we don’t walk upright due to a sustained terror of the concept of lying on the ground

  • ZeeLobby

    Like the fearless supreme leader of NK they don’t pee or poop. They do not have a buthole, they have no need for one.

  • petrow84

    ‘Q: How Do Space Marines Go [insert bathroom innuendo]?’
    I am perfectly fine with that answer.

    ‘Q:Do Chainswords Run Out of Gas?’
    Seriously, we’re talking about a minimum 30 kg heavy adamantium chainblade, with teeth the size of a Terran shark. Who cares if it is running or not, if the one who swings it at you is an 250 cm tall, 300 kg heavy power armored giant?

    ‘Q: Why Do Some Sisters of Battle Have White Hair?’
    You keep joking, but do you know, how much care and petition to the Departo Ministorum it takes to supply you with the required amount of Infinie Platine Professional Paris Hi Powered Lightening Powder to keep your look throughout a crusade?

    ‘Q:Why Do Orks Love To Fight?’
    They do not love to fight, they LIVE by fight (and die, and live again). That amkes their spores to spread, and the surviving members to grow stronger. I really can’t imagine, what would happen with an ork, dying of old age. Heck, I don’t even think, they have a word for it…

    Q: ‘Why Am I So Ugly?’
    – Pimpcron

    Because instead of keeping your diet healthy and going out to the gym twice a week you traded your immortal soul for some fancy living metal body, which you thought will make you ‘look thinner’. But now, look at yourself; you flay others for their skins, and don them along with your pimp hat.

    • Pimpcron

      [softly sobs.] You’re right. You’re right!

  • JL


  • Chris Hateley

    I reckon they just metabolise everything and don’t produce any bodily waste. Like Kim Jong Un.

  • Severius_Tolluck

    Yeah I read that the Marines have like two or three stomachs? So they super digest. Their armor also has waste collectors, and.. well recycling systems. So they re use their urine and waste until nothing is left. So that 2 day rest every two years they binge I suppose.

  • Xodis

    Self sustaining generators = mini nuclear device that keeps on running long after the energizer bunny has been purged.

  • Bakvrad

    So you dared comparing dark eldar with Orks…

    I am fine with that.

  • Richard Mitchell

    Most important question in the industry to date. Long live Pimpcorn.

    • Pimpcron

      I’m a true journalist. 😛

  • Frank Krifka

    Point of order: you actually can’t “dye” hair white. Dyeing the process by which a color forms an uncut chemical bond with it’s substrate. In this case hair. Dye by definition is transparent; the light that passes through the dye, reflects off the surface beneath, and back to the viewer.

    White on the other hand must reflect all visible wavelengths of light and as such can’t be transparent. (Apparently a joke among dyers is that white dye is water… what a sense of humor). While white can’t be dye, (because it can’t be transparent) it can be pigment. But applying pigment to something to change the color is generally referred to as “painting”, not “dyeing”.

    The proper term to turn a substance hair white through chemical alteration is “bleaching”. Bleach lightens hair through a chemical reaction called oxidation. This reaction alters the structure of two compounds: melanin and keratin. As melanin is the pigment that gives hair its natural color, the structural change that occurs here is desirable because it decolorizes the molecule.

    Oh course I am talking to sentient robot murder machine with kids, so perhaps things are different in the Dark Millennium (they do have grav-tanks after all…).

    • Pimpcron

      What, ya never dyed your clothes white with bleach? 😛

      • Frank Krifka

        Damnit Pimpcron, somebody needs to adjust your sassiness protocols.

  • Emprah

    Space marines appreantly do not need to drink and will not dehydrate unless you leave them out in the sun without their armour for too long or make them loose blood or something.

    Plus they know what they can eat and what they can not, so there is nothing to poop out. Fun fact, human poo is 50% bacteria, which is unlikely to survive in a marine.

    Some stuff do points to their armour purifying their blood and injecting them with this and that, and I guess recycling what is taken out because its a plasma reactor with powercells and solar panels just for triple redundancy. “Enough power to power a small city” is enough for a dialisis I think.

    Chain swords have been described with prohetium engines, power cells and anything in between.

  • Gustav

    Warhammer needs more Pimpcron.

    • Pimpcron

      Thanks Gustuv! ;D