Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts

Friday, November 13, 2009

40k ASKEW: 40k's Most Important Rule


It is that first or second page in the rule book that screams out, "hey don't mind me I will only cause more problems". It is this most important rule that says, "rules aren't that important" or what I like to call, "We Games Workshop absolve ourselves of any responsibility". I agree rules shouldn't be that important, but most gamers have an oversize sense of fair play. For me it stemmed from the time I got beat up for my Magic Cards or the time that my friends questioned the validity of my girlfriend I met at summer camp, either way I do not want to play Perry Mason when it comes to defending interpretations of rules.

When it comes to this "most important rule" I thought for the longest time that it was just Games Workshop being lazy. Don't you think that the ostrich like mental agility explains the FAQs we get? Then, I came to realize perhaps the developers think that everyone that plays Warhammer lives in is some fantasy lollipop forest with chocolate covered marines, where all players take the "framework" and create the perfect set of rules to play with because on top of assembling, painting, and playing I always wanted to create my own set of rules. In the end we might never know because for us Americans it would require the ability to understand the British mind.

Let me take my nerd rage down a bit and look at the alternatives to designing new rules. How do you resolve simple rules disputes?

The first approach is act like a football hooligan or simply flip the table. This is an extreme method to resolving tabletop disputes and the game usually ends abruptly because who wants to try to remember exactly where each model and piece of terrain was. Otherwise, you could follow the rule book's suggestion. It is in that part where Games Workshop explains exactly why they are covering there tookus by saying: "Many players simply like to roll off and let the dice decide who is right" now this method is good because it is quick and provides an easy resolution. What if though you know you are right? Typically you take out the rule book and find the page to make your case then force your will on your opponent with your righteous fury. The solution I use the most is "phone a friend" since I am rarely playing without a bunch of other players milling about I simply call over a ref to clear things up. The only problem with this method is that it can soon degenerate into an esoteric debate on the finer points of true line of sight, with the entire room pulling out their laser pointers.

A method I learned at tournaments is let your opponents have his way and call shenanigans after the game. Besides nothing says sour milk more than being that player looking up rules after the game and screaming cheater. This method is actually excellent when used with friends because it speeds up the game and you might even have fun debating rules when not arguing in the heat of the battle.

I think if there was never a loser or winner in Warhammer, then perhaps the fantasy of rules not being important would make sense. In the end I just fall back on the simply "playing nice".

How do you resolve rules disputes among your gaming group? What is the most horrible rules argument you ever got in? What do you think of GW hands off approach to rules clarifications? What house rules have you come up to make the games better?

Visit me at http://www.bloodofkittens.com/ where the evils of Thunder Cav are the hot topic.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Your 40K Horoscope



Mkerr (from http://www.chainfist.com/) delves into the mysteries of the stars to empower your Warhammer 40K game knowledge from the heavens.


ARIES (March 21 - April 19)
Your erotic dreams about Ragnar, Logan and Arjac will force you to finally come to terms with your luposexuality.


TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
Your definition of the word "funny" will come into question when Blood of Kittens uses your life's work as a basis for a "40k Douche Bag" blog post.


GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
The overwhelming sense of peace and well-being shortly after eviscerating every single bastard in your local gaming store will be short-lived.


CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
You will be faced with an impossible dilemma when someone from your local gaming store attempts to "friend" you on Facebook.

LEO (July 23 - August 22)
Your vacation plans will suddenly be in turmoil when you discover BOLSCON and Abaddon's 14th Black Crusade are scheduled for the same weekend.

VIRGO (August 23 - September 22)
You will soon receive tangible proof that Games Workshop is specifically writing rules to screw with you. Personally.

LIBRA (September 23 - October 23)
A brief period of confusion over your obsession with "ChainFist.com" will screw up your home-life for hours. Your Broodlord's lucky numbers are: 6, 6, 6, 6 and 6.

SCORPIO (October 24 - November 21)
A Sun-Mercury Superior Conjunction in your sign indicates that Tyranids are in your future whether you can afford them or not.


SAGITTARIUS (November 22 - December 21)
You will have an irresistible urge to kill the next person that uses the phrase "Leafblower" or "Epic Fail". Don't fight it.

CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19)
A small house-fire will force a difficult decision between saving your sleeping family or your fully-painted tournament army.


AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 18)
You will once again try and fail to sleep your way to the top of the 'Ard Boyz series. On the bright side, after many of months of effort, you will finally seize the initiative.


PISCES (February 19 - March 20)
Though you've lost every game you've played recently, you've also gained many, many pounds.


~~Get your daily dose of Mkerr at his new blog at www.ChainFist.com. He's also answering questions and reviewing army lists, so email him at mkerr@ChainFist.com.

Friday, November 6, 2009

40K ASKEW: LEET is my speak


I blame you Internet! Then, I blame MMOs next! Finally, I blame you http://icanhascheezburger.com/! The Internet has changed the way we speak and write forever. The nonsensical makes sense and what once made sense is now abbreviated. This is about the leetification of Wargaming. We are becoming inseparably tied to the language of the Internet, changing the way we talk about Wargaming forever. For the new player he must not only learn the rules, but also must learn this new language of Wargaming.

It did not really hit me until I heard the first word that encapsulated this new era: Nidzilla. Nidzilla was for me the first term that really combined short hand with a pop culture reference creating a word totally 40k. It immediately conjures up images of annoying Carnifex repetition running rampant on the battlefield. The beauty of such a word, shows the growth of our culture. It also demonstrates how the Internet has connected us in a very specific way to spawn a language. We can travel anywhere in the world where 40k is played and instantly be connected by words like, Mathhammer, Fluffy Nutter, Mech, Horde, Pie Plates, and Lash. This can be daunting for an outsider trying to break in, as I discovered playing Fantasy. Words like Doggy Deathstar only ended up conjuring images of Curella Deville as Emperor Palpatine not Vampire Count using Dire Wolves to crush their opponents.

Even over hearing the Blood Bowl players, sounds like some strange love child of Lee Corso from ESPN and Jevis Johnson. The point is that even someone like me that has been playing these games since 1989 is disconnected from the latest lingo like the next guy. We also have words like Spam and Zerg crossing over from the video games world. This leads to another dangerous problem; how does one know when the words you use become dated, nothing says uncool like an aging hipster, think how cool an aging gamer is? Luckily I do not think our hobby is like the stars on say Bravo, we are not that bananas.

Then there are the abbreviations. Abbreviations have always annoyed me, so it was only a matter of time before they made their way into Warhammer. We even have programs that translate the hundreds of abbreviations that we use to understand what the heck people are talking about. I call that lazy, but we all love convenience and who wants to type out Chaos Space Marine when you can just type CSM. More importantly we can mask naughty words with abbreviations. (Google FNG )

I just want a Wiki that continual updates every day so I can stay ahead of the curve and always be that cool guy spitting phat game. We need an Urban Dictionary for Wargamers I am sure there are regional words that have not made it into our collective consciousness. We all know that only the British would use a word like beardy to describe power gamers. Such is the case in my area as the word Mech Fascism is used to describe everyone's obsession with Mech armies.

What do you guys think about all the new words we have created to describe every aspect of our hobby? What are the good, the bad, and the ugly of new words that you find yourself using around the game table?

Hear the call of the wild come and visit me at www.bloodofkittens.com

Friday, October 30, 2009

40K ASKEW: Making Lemonade out of Lemons

Today or tomorrow you will be putting on a costume that I hope does not involve bell bottoms or a big afro. Going to the Halloween super stores over the week I noticed just how everything looked bizarrely the same. It was like being trapped in the same Halloween party that has been going on for the last 20 years. I looked down the aisles and thought just how generic and bland most of these costumes were. When did all the originality evaporate? I really hope you don't think you are special when you put on that Bernard Madoff mask.

What Halloween got me thinking about is, how did the designers at Games Workshop balance obvious fantasy and sci-fi cliches to make a such a great fiction? First take a look at the biggest unoriginal offenders by GW. Many fantasy folks have accused the designers of being lazy and taking fantasy archetypes and handing them guns to create "instant sci-fi". The most egregious transgressor has been the Eldar our "original" Space Elves. Then, the Orks which really did not change much from their Warhammer fantasy, except for Goblins becoming Grots and Grechin being sufficiently neutered in the face of their bigger siblings.

Need undead Egyptians...?. Boom! Tomb Kings which begat Necrons. Of course it was only a matter of time before Dark Elves would pop out the Dark Eldar. Not enough Lovecraftian in our life, we get Chaos. Then, in an obvious marketing plan GW opens in Japan with Tau with their flagrant Gundamy and Asian aesthetic. Which also makes you wonder, were the Witchunters simply an attempt to get the French buying 40k thinking if we make naughty nuns and put a fleur de les everywhere they will enticed. Many of us can remember back when the IG were taken over the historical deep end. Suddenly every possible Gilded age army was created. Sadly taking the sci out of the IG make everything seem like a battle out of Lawrence of Arabia.

If only I could have been a fly on the wall for when the Space Wolves and the Blood Angels were designed. I wonder if it was some intern that stood up and said: What do you guys think about Vikings in space? Then, someone says,"Can they be werewolves too"? Poor Blood Angels are the most emo marine chapter in the entire galaxy. Nothing says emo like cool hair cuts and vampires! We should be grateful the writers created great fluff to go with the Space Wolves and Blood Angels even though they will always be based in cliche land.

That is the thing however. GW wisely built their empire on a solid foundation of literary titans like Tolken, Herbert, and Lovecraft. From this foundation GW has done a pretty good job fusing so many disparate elements to create dynamic fictional universes. It is amazing that Blood Angels fluff in some crazy way makes sense. Not to mention the creative ways Warhammer Fantasy has linked such armies as the Vampire Counts to Tomb Kings. So when you are about to put on that one MJ glove for Halloween think: "is there any way I can avoid not being another cliched clone" because you do not want your Halloween night to end up as awkward as this...



Let's hear how you are keeping the hobby original, be it your own Space Marine chapter or "counts as" army. What is your favorite fluff and how would rate the 40K and Fantasy armies on the originality scale? Who's your favorites, and who need another edition to pull them out of b-movie of the week land? Happy Halloweeen everybody!

Of course you can find me in my bat cave at www.bloodofkittens.com

Friday, October 23, 2009

40K ASKEW: Can You Relate?



A column by Blood of Kitten's: TastyTaste

Besides my 40k addiction seminars, I have been working on a case study detailing 40k player behavior. I want to share excerpts from the interviews I have been conducting for the study.

-Lewis Skolnick: I have been playing 40k for almost nine years now. I started with Magic and grew out it and needed something more challenging. My first army was Chaos Space Marines with all those sick combos made for the best games. I cannot think of the army I picked up after that, maybe Tau. It is hard to keep track I pretty much run the latest codex and Ebay the old ones. When I moved here, I figured I see what was up with the local 40k scene. Half of the guys sit around and paint, everyone else is either Noobs or play fluffy armies. Take this new guy John or is it Derek, anyway it really doesn't matter. He keeps on asking questions and wanting to play me. His army is barely assembled and he doesn't even know a Nob Biker from a Thunder Hammer Terminator. I told him what forums and blogs to read, you would think that was enough. It is fine, he should learn the game, but he could just watch my games and not constantly bug me. Did I mention that I got my Space Wolves back from Malaysia already, I guess those small hands work quickly. What about Derek, I mean Harold? I guess it is cool, all his enthusiasm and the fact he does not care about losing all the time.

-Harold Wormser: I am still really new to 40k. I played Dawn of War and other games, it was the 40k fluff that got me to take the plunge. Everyone told me I should start with Space Marines. So I got some Battleforces and went straight to assembling. My favorite unit so far is Vanguard Vets assaulting in the same turn I deep strike is awesome, even if it does not always work. As for the players at the store, well they all seem to be in the hobby for different reasons. You got the painters which just sit and well, paint. Then, you got the competitive players that play the same army list over and over. I have been told there are other players that only come out for tournaments and big Apoc games.

I am not sure where I fall yet, still been taking everything in. Been talking to Lewis, he is the top dog of the competitive players everyone calls him Mr. Casino Dice for some reason, he is so helpful, pointing out things and telling me basically how to play. His army is IG at the moment, it just showed up one week after he creamed me with his Vulcan list. I have never seen him paint, but his armies always look good. That is my major problem: painting it is really intimidating. I rather be getting games in. There is this one guy at the store that never plays, but he is always painting I just do not get it. He looks always a little upset, I wonder if being hunched over and using bright lights to interrogate his models is the problem.

-Arnold Poindexter: If that new guy hits the table one more time we are going to have some words. He obviously does not know how hard it is to keep good brush control. I have been working on Autarch Lamar for a while now. As you can see the model is very not GW, we all know how bad their molds are. Not to mention all the flash. It is two hour process just to get the model clean! Anyway I cobbled together a Warmachine figure and some green stuff to make him. I am going with this layered green scheme for my Eldar, not Biel-tan mind you, it is a Craftworld I created. I can tell you about it if you want?

You want to know how much I play? I play a fair amount. We have these Apoc games at least four times a year. They are great, I get to bring out my Forge World stuff nothing like seeing an army cover a table all by itself. I really do not know many of the guys personally. I typically think there is 40k half-life for new guys, often they show up for a few months then are never seen again. I think I would play more if folks had their armies painted. Almost everyone plays with unassembled models or unpainted models. It just looks bad, my army on one side and unfinished stuff on the other side. So the Craftworld survived the fall by...

This is of course fake, I just wanted to demonstrate not only the ridiculous stereotypes we have for different players, but also some of the bad behavior that many of us have from time to time. Everyone is entitled to play wargames how they want, but I still think to enjoy the hobby fully, you have to participant in all aspects of it and by doing that you better understanding all the types of players that make up our small community. So next time you pick up a codex, read the first paragraphs of the unit entry instead of its stats. If you are afraid of painting ask the local painting guy for tips I am sure he will give them to you. In the end you might just find there is more to these games then you first thought.

-What bad habits do you have and what habits just drive you up the wall from other players? What do you think about only participating in only one aspect of wargaming? How do you go about helping new players?

Friday, October 16, 2009

40K ASKEW: Do You Have a Case of Mono?


A column by TastyTaste

Monoarmiosis is a chronic wargaming disease commonly know as Single Army Syndrome, if left unchecked can stunt wargaming growth. We all know someone that has SAS; an uncle, a friend, a noob. The onset of this disease often happens almost right after the first GW purchase. That is what makes SAS so insidious, it feeds on our psychological tendencies. SAS comes in many forms and strands. A diagnosis of SAS can be difficult because it is often misunderstood.

The most common form of SAS is Smurfanomia which strikes mostly young 40k players and people from the armed services. If the majority of your armies units does not possess a 3+ base save then you refuse to play another army. There are a few causes for this particular form of SAS. In a landmark study done by the WDC or Wargaming Disease Control it was discovered that GW was complicit in targeting young people with Space Marines armies knowing full well that as their flagship brand, it was the easiest way for secure loyalty and babysitting rights.

It was unclear if GW knew that their excessive marketing would cause problems for the younger player down the road has they grapple with the notion that there is other armies then just Space Marines to play. For the military veteran the causes can be completely different. Having recently finished their duty they are often met with nagging relatives, and free time. That is typically when Warhammer 40k comes in along with a desire to build a man cave. They are often quickly drawn into the fluff and story of most Space Marine armies because they are elite (like special forces units), full of honor and duty, and heroic deeds. What can bring on this type of SAS is a desire to stick with the safe warm feeling of Space Marines like 4th of July or a hug from mommy. Coupled with the reliability of Space Marines, few models to paint, and the use of tanks are often reminders of military service. Even when they try to branch out they are flabbergasted by the fact they must roll above a three to hit or save.

The second most common form of SAS is Hordeosis. The main symptom, an unhealthy desire to see just how many models you can field on a battlefield. Imperial Guard and Tyranid players are the most susceptible. It is often like a runaway fire you start with one box of guants and then realize that you do not even have enough to field a 500 point army and you need another box, then another, until like Scrooge McDuck you are swimming in Nid biomass.

After this point two things usually happen, either the player is so mentally drained by his ordeal of painting such a large force that he swears never again to buy another army. The second and more dangerous result, is the player builds such momentum that he jumps to the next horde army often having not even finish his first army. At which point having run out of Horde armies to purchase, he starts to look at ways to make other armies into their horde equivalent.

A subform of Hordeosis that often goes undetected until it is too late is Bitomisis. Often afflicting Ork players, this form forces players to put bitz upon bitz for his models. Often this can be so crippling that a model looks no better than a ball of green stuff with random weapons sticking out of it. Worse this form is so time consuming that the player does not even have time to play as he is constantly modeling his army.

Single Army Syndrome at first was thought only to target players that buy one single army and play it to death. A great break through in expanding our understanding of SAS was the discovery of the strain known as Gunlineemia, it was not until 2001 with the release of the Tau was the full extent of this strain brought to light. Gunlineemia has shown that many players that switch armies are still trapped by SAS. Examples from Tau to Thousand Sons as long as you can make it shooty, then you have to try it.

Our knowledge of SAS is always expanding. With new forms cropping up each day like,

Codexcreepius: Desire to only play the most broken elements of each new codex.

Mechivitius: Desire to only play mechanized forces.

Meltamania: Desire to only play armies that have an abundance of melta weapon options.

Fantasysuperiorosis: An illogical response to not playing Warhammer 40k because of some misguided belief it is a less tactical game.

As you can see SAS is wide spread. There is typically no cure, but like most chronic diseases they can be managed. Check with your local WDC and see what you can do to control your paticluar SAS.

Do you have a case of SAS or know a friend? If so what form do you think you have? What is the most effective way to fight SAS?

If you want more catnip visit me at www.bloodofkittens.com

Friday, October 9, 2009

40k ASKEW: Where Does an Old Codex go to Die?


A column by TastyTaste

Like the picture above, you might feel like throwing the old Space Wolf codex into a burning pyre to atone for all the past sins of humanity. Or more likely you will put it on some shelf as a reminder of your past deeds on the battle field. Only a week has gone by since the new dex came into our hands and I have already forgotten about the 30 odd pages of the last codex. For generals of old, (old enough to think it was not possible that George Lucas could destroy childhood memories or when dressing from the 80s meant you were at a costume party) you can look back at the stack of out print codices and think what were even in those things?

I am sure just a few weeks ago you can remember complaining about something missing from the new dex, like what are you going to do with a blue Leman Russ battle tank? At least GW could of change the name from Leman Russ to Design Decision. But hey, think about the poor 13th company guy - what is he going to do with all those werewolves?

After just one week the feelings of spite are gone. Then again you could be a Chaos Marine player and never let anyone forget (Gav Thorpe) what has been done to crush your dreams. Still I bet you are fine that your old toys are getting a new lease on life and enjoying the simple joys of not having to wonder if any units have 0-1 availability. Nothing said fun like limiting army builds. If only my Dark Eldar could have access to three squads of Helions then maybe I could prove just how effective they are, wait who am I kidding. Or at the very least have a Green Goblin army.

What did GW do to make us forget? Well for starters leak some ridiculous psychic power that creates a fire storm that could engulf Fenris, at which point you forget you no longer have three cheap power fists in your old Blood Claw packs. Who cares really when you can now one-shot a Carnifex. The older the dex the easier it is for GW to make us happy, who would not be happy with a book three times bigger than the old one. I do miss the front page telling me why I should buy such an army; now we are jumped right into story mode. I also chuckle to myself at the old tactics page telling us how to play the army.

I can't wait to break into the Space Wolf accessory sprue and use them for other armies I'd rather be playing. Not to mention I cannot wait for the fun having to cobble together three other GW boxes to make Thunderwolf Cavalry or could I just "counts as" using Goblin Wolfriders or maybe I should get GW's hint and buy ten Canis Wolfborns.

In all honestly, the codex itself looks darn fun. GW really captured the essence of the Space Wolves, not to mention creating a force that plays differently than any other Space Marine army. I cannot wait to see how people field Wolf Guard Packs, I want to make each one different (on a bike, with a jump pack, in termy armor) like some ragtag Space Wolf Dirty Dozen. I'm also really interested in the other powers for the Rune Priests, especially making enemy units roll difficult and dangerous terrain tests, it just sounds mean.

Or you could be already over the Space Wolves. Oooh did you say plastic Gargoyles?

~Go grab your old food stained codices. Do you miss the Foot of Gork cardboard template or is it perhaps the entire Legion of the Damned army? Sit back and remind yourself of those things that gave you joy that you cannot have again. Do you think anything is long overdue for a comeback?

I want to thank the Austin Wargaming Mafia (BoLS) for asking me to join up, like I really had a choice. I'd like to give a shout out to Mkerr for his constant ego petting and making this all possible. Also if you not afraid of worshiping dark gods then come visit me at Blood of Kittens where you can get more of my daily musings. See you guys soon.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

40K Ridiculous Assault Stories


So we all love to sit around and tell tall tales, and today is one of those days.

I've often found that in the end, its the crazy events that happen on the tabletop that leave the longest and warmly remembered memories years after all the hardcore games pass into dust.

So today lets hear about some of your most over-the-top, downright hilarious, or just bloodsoaked combats in memory. Those models who wouldn't just roll over and die, but shattered the bell curve and earned their place in the hall of tabletop heroes.

I'll go first. The Fly Lords very first map-based campaign took place almost 10 years ago, and after 4 months of bitter struggle came down to a critical make or break game. Mkerr had thrown his lot in with Chaos and the entire camapign came down to a single assault on the last turn with a full squad of 10 Daemonettes charging into one of JWolf's 5-man ratling squads holding an objective in cover. To everyone's shock, guess who came up on top, and sealed the fate of an Imperial world? The humble cooks of the Imperial Guard. "No one expects the Dutch Oven to the groin"

~Have fun guys.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

40K / WFB Costume Thread



Lets have some fun on this slow holiday weekend.

You've seen them, you know em, and secretly you love em. I am speaking of course about those most fanatical amongst us, the 40k/Fantasy cos-players.

Now we all have an expensive addiction. GW doesn't just give away their products for free, and then you have to add in all the paint and hobby supplies on top, not to mention time.

But my friends we are all mere amateurs compared to those who above and beyond take the time to handcraft, paint and wear their hobby literally on their sleeve.

I've put together just a tiny snippet of some of the most memorable cos-players out and about on the internet. In the end, I think the line between good and bad costumes is like the laws regarding obscenity..."you know it when you see it"


Abhor the Witch indeed...


So umm, what are you into?



~Have fun, lets hear your comments, links to pictures, personal experiences, tall tales and anything alse. Have fun and remember...BE NICE! :)
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