Pimpcron: The Lost Chaos Gods- Found!

Pimpcron is dropping a bomb shell. Come look!

Hey there people and also non-people! Vice President of Snark, Pimpcron is back and this time I bring with me newly discovered Chaos Gods from the lost files of Games Workshop – or maybe it was my dreams…

You see, being a dapper and suave Necron has a lot of perks. Crypteks swoon, Monoliths shimmy, and Scarabs will nibble anything I point to. Anything. (wink) So I smooth-talked some Crypteks into opening a portal through time and grabbing some random GW files GW from another dimension. They happen to come from the desk of none other than the grandfather of Warhammer himself, can I say his name? Maybe I shouldn’t. When he finds out (in the past) that I have his stuff, he might get mad in the now. But by now it would just be an old grudge, right?

Without Further Ado, Here They Are

I discovered that all of the original Chaos Gods were based off of the seven deadly sins. Greed, Wrath, Sloth, Pride, Jaywalking, Jive Talking, and Body Odor. I may have strayed somewhere but you get the point.

Wrath

Duh, Khorne? Did I have to spell that out for you? What with all of the talk about skulls for thrones and blood for gods, I just assumed you’d put two and two together. He hasn’t changed much since the first sketches, so we will move on. He is one of the few that has stuck to the source material.

It’s like an extra mad Krampus.

Lust/Gluttony

This one is obvious as well. Our dude/lady/bro/gal/guy/chick/person/god Slaanesh is also pretty untouched since the initial conception. I think they’ve done a good job with the balance of Lust and Gluttony with Slaanesh and haven’t had to change their angle.

Despair

Now, despair seems to be a funny sin to begin with. Like honestly, there are a ton of situations where despair is completely natural to have. Trapped alone in a cave? What about trapped on a desert island? Trapped on a terrible blind date? Okay, I’m not sure why all of my examples were being trapped places, but you get the point. Well, take it up with the church I guess. Anyway, the Chaos God for Despair was called Nornquinn. It was a god that they were going to make an awesome codex for its army and then nerf the army horribly for about 15 years. That way is was really fluffy to be depressed about how your army got treated.  One of my Crypteks, Kevin, said that they ended up scrapping it to use that idea on another army. I wonder which one?

The test model looked something like this.

Pride

Tzeentch was originally intended to be very proud, and while he still is quite proud, he’s gone a bit off the mark. Still a good (evil) force, and a great story telling device, he is very full of himself and enjoys always having the last laugh. The Lords of Change have beautiful feathery wings which are a hold-over from the “proud” concept of the early draft days.

Bow before my fabulous MAJESTY

Vanity

This god was called Robut Gigglyman, and his chapter was going to be called the Blue Douchers. He was gonna be all pompous with his stupid face, and his “I know better” attitude. Nobody was going to like him, and he was going to write books about how all of the other Gods weren’t as good as him, and trying to tell them how to act. His book Codex Asstarts was going to make it on the Amazon Top Sellers List for one week. ONE WEEK! And he was never going to let everybody live it down. Anytime someone tried to argue with him, he’d just slowly bring the book out and point to the sticker that said Top Seller. Ugh. I’m glad they canceled that idea for a Chaos God, because he and all of the people who play him would just be insufferable.

I don’t think it’s very FUNNY.

What’s that Cryptek Kevin? Oh snap, Kev. I never even thought of that! Hmmm. I’ll leave it at that. Wouldn’t want to ruffle any feathers or anything.

Sorrow

Nurgle was made with the concept of sadness behind him, and some features hold over even today. While they have changed his attitude away from being actually sad, there are two key features of his clan that still show his roots. First off, he is the God of disease, which is clearly a source of sorrow in the universe. Secondly, his minions are generally depicted as being portly. They’re sad because they eat, and they eat because they’re sad.

While most will say that they are merely bloated due to rotting, those people couldn’t be more wrong. If someone tries to feed you that rotting nonsense, tell them, no scream at them that they are wrong. In a library, church, or funeral, it doesn’t matter. Screaming is scientifically proven to be the best way to show your opinion is correct. Just ask people who are on both sides of the aisle politically.

“My parents wanted me to be a dentist. But I think I made the right choice.

Follow your own truth, ya know?”

Sloth

The Chaos God Lazinifus [lay-zin-if-us] was the God representing Sloth. They developed him pretty far compared to the other drafts. He had his own Chapter and everything. They were the Mabilators [may-be-laters], and they chapter colors were solid gray with no detail whatsoever. It’s funny, because as I’ve traveled the country playing 40k, I’ve seen tons of armies that I can only assume are Mabilators, due to the their color scheme of solid gray. But until I un-earthed [read: stole] these papers, I had never heard of him.

Here’s two, finished.

So what are your thoughts after these revelations? Is your head spinning?

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  • Knight_of_Infinite_Resignation

    Did you know: the name Malal is an anagram of Matt Ward.

  • Mathew G. Smith

    My personal favorite forgotten Chaos god is Necoho, god of atheism. He promises nothing and asks nothing in return, but somehow still has worshippers.

  • orionburn

    Who knew so many people were plating Mabilators already? They’ve infiltrated more than Genestleaer Cults.

    • Lion El’ Jonson

      They’re more cunnin then the Alpha legion!

      Mabilators have infiltrated my Dark Angels!

      • Drew_Da_Destroya

        They infiltrated my Ork warband, my Harlequin Masque, and my Dark Eldar! The followers of Lazinifus are everywhere!

  • Bakvrad

    Ahh lazinifus!! My beloved Chaos god of all time. Especially in fantasy.
    I have a temple at home, resembling boxes of unbuilt models waiting to see the battlefield at anytime in the future…

    • Pimpcron

      “a temple at home, resembling boxes of unbuilt models ” lol

  • Matthew Collins

    I kinda want to do a despair chaos army now. 🙂

  • euansmith

    Kur B’ee; the Ruinous Power of Greed and Hubris.

    • Kritarion

      Tomatoes for the Poyp God

  • Tore Bolhøj

    (giggles) Well done!

  • Fergie0044

    Nurgle is sorrow? I think the smiling poxwalkers would beg to differ….

    • Xodis

      Nurglings are like the happiest people/things in the universe!

      • Fergie0044

        And why shouldn’t they be. Infinite sick days off work!!!

        • EnTyme

          Really? Even the Chaos Gods are offering better benefits than my company now!

  • Spacefrisian

    Those still pale in comparison to Korviliath of the 18th hell dimension.

    • AWarhammerPlayer

      Zargothrax apoves of this post. 10/10 Would recite dread incantation and open chaos portal again.

  • Amon-Alex69

    Well I know this article is for fun, but in fact Slaanesh is the Chaos God of sins duh, just read the little fluff given in the Army books or codex you’ll see .

    • Dan Wilson

      In theory, as the “God of Excess”, slaanesh is the most powerful god of all, the others all fall under his/her remit. KHORNE is excessive bloodlust, nurgle is excessive filth and desease and tzeentch is excessive scheming.

  • memitchell

    I still say (scream!) the Chaos Gods are the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: War, Famine, Death, and Plague.
    Khorne = War. Duh. War for the sake of war. Cause, if you ain’t dying, you ain’t trying.
    Nurgle = Plague. Uh, duh x 2. In this case, plague = conquest. Thus the happy nature of Nurgle. Cause Nurgle is sick!
    Slaneesh = Famine. Unquenchable desire.
    Tzeench = Change. This one is a stretch. But, death is change. Either to oblivion or eternity. What you believe is your choice.

    The relatively unknown Fifth Horseman is Pimpcron, and rides a rainbow colored pony which poops cotton candy.
    Pimpcron = Cotton Candy.

    • eMtoN

      I’m not sure I’d equate famine to unquenchable desire. You’re reaching a bit too far here.

      • memitchell

        A Crack addict would disagree.

  • TDog

    Did anyone ever tell this guy he was funny? Because lies make baby Jesus cry…

    • Pimpcron

      Lol. No. And that’s why I keep desperately trying.

  • Brian Griffith

    In all seriousness, I’m tempted to mark some of my dudes for Zuvassin the Great Undoer.