40K: Signs You’ve Turned To Chaos

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Pimpcron issues a public service announcement.

Well hi there strangers! The man that loves to be hated, Pimpcron, is here. And I am coming at you this week with a cautionary tale. It is an epic one filled with heartache, treachery, and maybe a daemon possession.

You Bought The Traitor Legions Book

So all of this started out innocent enough. I stopped playing Vanilla Marines back in 5th edition because they were so blah. I converted them all to Chaos and have been happy ever since. But this new Traitor Legions book has changed everything. The first couple times I looked through it, I kind of felt all tingly in my antenna (I’m a robot after all). I knew something strange was going on, but I wasn’t sure what. As the days passed on, I fell more and more in love with this book. It knew me; what I liked, what I disliked. The book picked me up when I was down, and made me feel good. It was a drug I just couldn’t stop. Things quickly became a Fifty Shades of Grey kind of situation where I’d meet with it at clandestine locations wearing a trench coat and speaking in hushed tones. My family couldn’t know how this book made me feel.

traitor-legions-in-a-bikini2

Just when you thought you’d seen it all. You’re welcome.

And it would allow my army to be anything I wanted it to be. It would do whatever I could think of, and even things I couldn’t think of. Suddenly my army was a contortionist; pliable and trim. As the days passed by, I began talking to the book.

Things Are Getting Weird

That’s when I began acting strangely (if you don’t count already having an affair with a book). I was quick to anger and am now tangled in a web of legal action against me. I punched a cashier at Walmart because Traitor Legions fell out of my coat and he asked if I needed to buy it. Instantly offended at him questioning my loyalty to the book right in front it, I hit him. My neighbor found me hiding in her bushes whispering to the book and asked what I was doing. So I threw a rock at her window and told her she now had other things to worry about.

broken_windows-1

I may have thrown more than one.

I also started developing a rash on my back.

You Start Talking To Daemons

It wasn’t until day five that Legion came to talk to me. I was shaving my face in the mirror one morning when the mirror went dark. Suddenly a horned purple face came through it, smiling. His name was Legion and he was the spirit of the book. We talked, laughed and discussed the best ways to flay a human. It was a bonding experience and we are now pen pals via Ouija board. The funny thing is, none of this struck me a strange. But then again Legion said he knew my old imaginary friend Morarch. Morarch was the one who convinced me to burn down an (empty) school bus when I was a kid. Good times.

Daemon_Prince

My back started itching more and more; dry skin I imagine.

You Realize What Is Happening But Can’t Pull Away

So my back started itching to the point that I had to get my wife to apply lotion to it. Legion wasn’t happy that I involved her, but being a book, he wasn’t in much of a position to help me. When she saw my bare back in the bathroom, she screamed. I asked what was wrong and she told me I had an eight-pointed star rash on my back that was welting up. For some reason that’s when it all started adding up. I had a pretty nasty argument with the Traitor Legions book and the cops were called. When they picked up the book (presumably to put it in jail) my mascara started running and I screamed, “Don’t hurt him I love him!”

traitor-legions-in-a-wife-beater

Too good of an image not to make. You’re welcome again.

The book was inexplicably wearing a white tank top under shirt, and smoking a cigarette. It scowled at me and told me all of this was my fault. I knew I couldn’t live without that book; I had to make a choice. So a snatched the book out of the officer’s hand and took off running. They didn’t even chase me because I was the one who called them, speaking in my small book-voice I use. They were pretty confused over the whole thing.

confused-cop

“Every week it’s something different with this Pimpcron guy. Last week he called us out here because I got in a fist fight with his hamster.”

“Week before that he said his macaroni was judging him.”

You Grow A Tentacle

So all of this has settled down now dear readers. Don’t worry about me. My life is back to normal and I’m happy to put all of that behind me. The Traitor Legions book and I live behind a mattress store now, and live off of scraps from the Panera Bread Restaurant nearby. You should try their Wild Rice soup, it’s pretty good. Admittedly it’s probably better when it’s hot and not being scooped out of the bottom of a paper bag from a dumpster. Oh, and I grew a tentacle. At first it took some getting used to, but it does come in handy when turning the pages of my Traitor Legions book. Also, it’s my wiping tentacle because it grew out of that nasty chaos rash on my back.

So What Are The Signs You’ve Turned To Chaos?

Pimpcron signature 3

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  • Lion El’ Jonson

    What did I just witness…..

    • Ben Martin

      The truest of tales, straight from the heart.
      (Or possibly tentacle)

      • cudgel

        Hopefully not THAT tentacle…..

  • mepsb mepsb

    my eyes my eyes…..

  • ILikeToColourRed

    at least I don’t feel so embarrassed about the chaos star branded into my chest any more

    not sure how it got there; one moment I was falling asleep, the first heretic on one arm, traitor legions on another….

    • Evil Otto

      I think I’ve ended up joining about a half dozen different cults the same way… chaos, genestealer, Cthulhu, Heaven’s Gate, and (for some reason) Scientology.

      I’ve got to stop doing this.

  • euansmith

    I suspect that my world is falling to Chaos. Every day, in every way, things keep getting weirder and weirder.

    • ZeeLobby

      As a citizen of the US I can only agree with this statement. Lol.

    • cudgel

      Are things getting weirder or back to normal (in relation to all of human existance)?

      • euansmith

        I guess we’ve had mad Emperors and endless wars before. 😉

  • TheSlann

    Just read the headline. Don’t worry, an exterminatus is on the way to your homeworld. PURGE THE HERETIC

    • amaximus167

      I think our world could certainly use that.

      • cudgel

        I think our world has had too much of that.

  • Lord Elpus

    Oh it got me a long time ago… the old tomes of Slaves to darkness and lost and the Damned.. Nurgle took me, whacked a horn on my head and christened me Lurgy.

  • benn grimm

    It’s when you start growing spiky cacti on the kitchen windowsill instead of flavoursome herbs, that’s when you know…

  • nemesis7884

    you start talking to demons…that might already be a bit further than just “a sign”

  • Evil Otto

    We will purge Bell of Lost Souls with faith and fire! And hot space nuns.

    FOR THE EMPEROR!!!

    http://zifunny.com/content/uploads/images/201509/were-gonna-need-more-bolters-for-this-heresy.jpg

  • Dan Wilson

    When you’re buying Thousand Sons, painting up Noise Marines and eagerly awaiting a slaanesh release window…

    • Knight_of_Infinite_Resignation

      I am enjoying my Alpha Legion infiltrators and double respawning cultists 🙂

  • Nyyppä

    This was entertaining. I still can’t figure out the reason why anyone not a nurgle player likes the book but hey, many people have weirder tendencies than that.

    • Lord Elpus

      I also play Khorne, & the World eater rules are also great!

      • Nyyppä

        You enjoy banging that invisible 2+ rerollable armor with your chainswords. Cool. I’m not judging. I just do not see that as fun.

        Anyway, if you can gather something reasonably powerful (on the level of SM) out of WB then I’d like to hear it.

    • EnTyme

      Eh, some of the legions may not have strong rules, but they’re still extremely fluffy and fun, and that’s all a lot of Chaos players have been wanting.

      • Nyyppä

        I don’t think that NL players wanted to have almost exclusively bonuses that almost everything is immune to. I don’t think that WB players wanted to have worse rules than just proxying the abysmal CS as WB. I don’t think that IW players wanted bonuses that they can not use thanks to not having access to anything that uses those bonuses in the formations. I don’t think WE players wanted a 1 turn charge just to find out that they still have no weapons that could actually harm their targets. I don’t think that AL players wanted their legion to be a pure cultist spam. I don’t think TS players wanted their legion to be over costed bunch of psykers that are still worse at it than their loyalist regular librarians only to sit in the shadow of Tzeentchian daemons. I don’t think EC players wanted their army to be reduced to fight or fail depending on a combat drug roll before combat. I don’t think that BL players wanted their legion to continue to have just the cabal and nothing else.
        I don’t see these 8 having happy fans since their rules are neither fluffy or fun. They either get bonuses they can’t use, bonuses that everyone is immune to or bonuses that do not synergize with the units that have them.

        I’m sure that DG players are happy since that’s the only legion that did not get f’d up rules.

  • Byrdja0

    As a beginning ordnance tyrant I find joy in shooting my own troops.

  • DaveTycho

    Is it a sign if I kit bashed my necrons with bloodletter parts to make warp tainted necrons?

  • 301stFeinminsterArmoured

    At least you aren’t surly and growing a hovercraft on your bum, or having a sudden desire to make a skin cape. That’s when we break out the Transdimensional Beamers and put you on a time out.

  • memitchell

    Enough of this nonsense! I now return to the sanity of the real world. Ah, here’s a Yahoo article about Starbucks being the front lines of the War on Christmas. “Man the barricades, here come the Baristas!” Oh, look, radical new Nuclear Proliferation Doctrine offhandedly announced via Twitter.