Age of Sigmar: I Have A Feeling (SATIRE)

aos1Based on a breakdown of the what is contained in the new AoS book, from a picture of the contents page, I think I know exactly what will be in the new tome.

My years of 40K experience, time on the internet and intricate understanding of rumor (or is it humor?) mills give me a unique perspective.

Please note:  as we are relying on a screen shot from a digital camera that could easily have been Photoshopped, all page numbers are approximate. Once again, SATIRE ALERT!

Pages 1-80: This section will detail the post-end times world.  Not only will it contain great art and writing, but will provide information previously not presented in a GW book.  It will detail the origin and evolution of each combatant species.  Flora will be explored in detail as well, providing a wellspring of knowledge useful for almost any battle situation.  Haven’t we always wanted to know how to use plants to assist in healing wounds, casting spells and exploiting rules?  This new information will prove invaluable.  Also expect to see very detailed information on the geological timeline of the world itself.  A handy guide for finding various elements, rocks, minerals and geo-formations will be useful as you select units for each battle.  Finally, expect to find a handy guide for utilizing GPS as you explore this new venue.  Paper maps are so passe…NOBODY uses paper maps anymore.

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Pages 81-110:  I anticipate an amazing gallery of beautifully painted models, just we have come to expect from any GW publication.  However, a few new features will also be included in this ground breaking volume.  I strongly believe that each pictured mini will have a paint guide to provide modelers, both new and experienced, with an easy way to identify the materials that will be needed.  What a novel concept!  Moreover, each mini will be shown in unassembled form, and instructions will be provided for assembly.  Finally, there will be a list of prohibited colors for each model…we wouldn’t want people thinking too much out of the box.  Given this new material, expect to see about 5-6 minis in this part of the book.

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Pages 111-220:  Lots and lots of scenarios.  By lots and lots, I mean 6-8.  This should keep us all busy for a while.  Wait a minute you say.  We are talking 110 pages here…shouldn’t we expect at least 20-25 scenarios? Well, you are once again using the old paradigm and the usual reliance on  unverified rumors to figure this out.  Think out of the box young sirs!  These scenarios are going to be exceptionally detailed.  Remember all the new information we are getting?  Species evolution, flora, geology and GPS mapping information will take up a fair amount of space in putting each scenario into context.  I cannot imagine how this information, as well as the usual “useful” drivel that they provide could take up less than 6-8 pages.  I mean seriously, isn’t 6-8 highly detailed and fascinating scenarios enough for you?

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Pages 221-250:  Battlescrolls and Battalions.  This section promises to provide detail such as we have seldom seen from GW.  Battlescrolls will be 8/page.  I know this seems small, but since you can download them for free, they wisely decided to cram as many as possible on a page.  The also leaves plenty of room for all of the new units that will be presented.  I have heard reliable rumors of flying monkeys and pigs, iron robots, tree stumps, walking bonfires, disembodied swords and goat riding rabbits .  One can never tell what might show up.  And with all this new unit goodness, they will need all the space they can get to have enough room for everything.

Pages 251-???:  I am convinced that we will also see additional rules.  These will include an actual point system (thank goodness!), detailed instructions for creating and using terrain, suggested conversions (we don’t need no stinking WYSIWYG!) and best of all, 10 pages of table and charts to help simplify game play.

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Well, that’s it!  I am confident that is what we will be seeing as the new book hits the shelves.  It all makes perfect sense; nes pas?

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  • Joe

    Goats riding rabbits? That ruins it. Now, rabbits riding goats, that would be cool

    • houseofpaine

      I believe he specified “goat-riding rabbits”, so it is rabbits riding goats. Although goats using rabbits as steeds would be models I’d gladly shell out $75 for. I can’t believe I just spent a iretrievable portion of my life writing this.

  • Luca Battisti

    “Pages 251-???: I am convinced that we will also see
    additional rules. These will include an actual point system (thank
    goodness!)[…]”

    I have a feeling you’re dead wrong about it.

    • TweetleBeetle

      A GW store has already been testing a wounds/points system that is the most balanced any of us have seen in table top gaming. Hopefully it gets adopted company-wide.

      • WellSpokenMan

        “us” as in the GW marketing department?

      • zeno666

        The most balanced any of us have seen in table top gaming…. right.
        Coming from the GW-kool’aid-factory that doesn’t say a lot about the balance at all.

      • Lewis Everitt

        I somehow doubt either of those things. Great if it’s true, but from you I doubt it.

      • Gridloc

        hmmm.

      • NagaBaboon

        Rubbish. How many wounds a model has doesn’t at all represent how much smackdown it can bring, it doesn’t even tell you how tough it is becasue a 10 wound model with no armour won’t normally be as resilient as a 5 wound model with 2+.

      • NagaBaboon

        In all of tabletop gaming?! You’re wielding your pile of poop very boldly there.

  • Gridloc

    Free rules for models being discontinued and a single dude at some convention and people are all about GWs turn around. How easy it is to blind people, now back to expensive books and huge formations (thus more Sales) to have fun with paid for scenarios.

    So much for more communication with us…

    Hoping the scenarios show us the true direction of the game, because i’m lost on what this game is supposed to be.

    • TweetleBeetle

      Well, you won’t need this book to get the scenarios. They will be download-able for free. Also, GW reps are making he rounds of their stores, as well as the upcoming Gen Con to continue answering questions.

      As for “turnaround”, there wasn’t a need for a turnaround. The company is profiting (thanks to 40k), and their service marks are high. There has been, however, a need to improve communication and cost of entry into their games. We have now gotten both.

      So keep being a negative ninny at all costs. The facts disagree with those like you. You guys have no leg to stand on anymore.

      • Gridloc

        You sure about them being free or just hoping? In honesty, where can i get the battalion and scenarios from the starter set for free?

        Now if they are for free, i’ll eat my words, will you do the same?

        We don’t have any GW stores by me (just FLGS), so I can’t argue if they are going around to just their stores. Odd marketing, what information have they given? Seems all information has been from ‘anonymous’ rumors. I would think we would see more on sites like this such as ‘GW rep at so and so store said next month new Orruk models’ instead nothing…

        Entry into AoS is cheap for the starter set, its a great deal, i’d be an idiot to deny that, but look at follow up cost. This will not be a cheap game to get into…

        i have a feeling the legs i’m standing on are a bit more concrete than you would like.

        • Da Masta Cheef

          Indeed, reps going to GW stores may work just fine in the UK, but in the US not so much. We have a newer GW store in our region, reducing the one-way travel time to visit said store down from 5ish hours to 3.5ish hours.

          Yay.

        • Mohd Gaddafi

          Age of sigmar primer which is a free download has most of what u need above.

      • Gridloc

        Also, note that customer relations and customer service are separate things. GW has great customer service, I know since i’ve used a few times. Its the relationship i was pointing out in the turnaround.

      • zeno666

        I’m sad you missed the bus with about a decade.
        Way too little, way too late.
        Honk honk!

      • jeff white

        you must be drunk…

      • NagaBaboon

        I think by ‘turnaround’ they were referring to GWs business attitude, not there stock market value.

    • Brian Griffith

      The new models have been getting both rules in the box and free PDFs downloadable for their respective warscrolls. In addition, they’ve been very frank about all warscrolls (old and new) being added to the new app. This all seems to point to books still being produced, but being very much optional. They likely make far more off the models than the books as it is.

      • Gridloc

        Do you have a link to the Stormcast warscrolls?

        • Brian Griffith

          Lord Celestant
          Liberators

          The links are right on their store pages. The rest will likely come as the full kits trickle out.

          • Gridloc

            I apologize, i was not able to find them when searching. So I was wrong saying that the new models rules are not on their website. Looks like waiting till the actual model is released is how you get them. Hopefully same is true for the scenarios.

      • AircoolUK

        Yup… choose the unit and download the warscroll.

  • AircoolUK

    Looks like the Open Sore Orcs vs Forenrond Breezenimble.

  • euansmith

    I was going to come here and roundly chastise the person who felt compelled to point out the satire shouldn’t need a signpost… looks like I’m a bigger tosser than I thought… 🙁

    • irvinil

      “n’est ce pas” not ‘nes pas’

    • ChubToad

      “Never under estimate the predictability of the Internet”

    • Stormcaller

      The last time I failed to signpost my satire I was smacked about. just erring on the side of caution…

      • euansmith

        That was going to be argument in defence of signposting… 😀

  • Paul W

    Age of Sigmar: I Have A Feeling

    That it’s a demon? A dancing demon?

    … No, something isn’t right there.

    • jeff white

      bad beans… that is the feeling. not a demon but is birthed like one.

  • Painjunky

    If only this was true.
    AOS feels like it was written for 5 year olds, check your brain at the door, no tactical challenge because thinking is for losers!

    • Big Fat Fred

      More like 10 year olds. It’s a great starter/intro into fantasy gaming/Kings of War 😉