Look man, we’ve see your army list and we need to have a talk…
Every army has SOMETHING that makes it a real pain to play against so let’s shine a light on why YOUR army is BS. Let’s do this!
On top of your +3 save and your endless re-rolls – we’re getting sick of seeing Guilliman in every list! We know he’s on a crusade but he can’t be EVERYWHERE at once. He’s a Primarch not the Emperor! Do you even remember how to build an army without him? Take a Chapter Master for Pete’s sake! They need the work – they’ve got families to feed!
Chaos Space Marines
You Heretics need to cut it out with the Malefic Lord and Warp Time. We get it – you found an undercosted HQ choice and enjoy tossing out Smites. It’s getting old and no one likes you for bringing it. And sure, you can turn 1 charge a unit of Berzekers into whatever thanks to Warp Time – just because everyone else can Turn 1 Charge doesn’t mean you should too! If everyone was Turn 1 charging off a cliff would you charge too!? Don’t be a follower – be a leader.
First they Nerfed your Conscripts. Then they Buffed your Tanks. Now you’ve got a TON of Orders to play around with and it’s killing us – not because of your double-firing Leman Russes, but because of old age. I think I grew a beard and sent my kid to college in the time it took for your last turn. I came into our last game with a hop in my step and left using a walker – and no, I’m not bitter because you tabled me on turn two. I’m bitter because of the arthritis.
Congratulations on Mortarion – but you’d don’t have to smell like your army looks. Why is that after every game with these guys I’m out of hand sanitizer? But really your army wide +5 Disgustingly Resilient save and those pesky Plague Weapons with Stratagems are getting old. No, really – look at them! They are literally rusty and old – you might want to get a tetanus shot…
For all your specialized troops and 1/2 half the rules your ignoring – I’m getting tired of playing against an army that looks the exact same from 20 years ago. I’d prefer to fight against something other than a Wraithknight from this millennium. I know your options are limited but at least you’re still getting great use out of your cheaty eldar ways.
Other than your insistence on writing your entire army list in binary, your random beeps and constant hailing of our “robot overlords” your army isn’t that bad…But how DOES it feel to pay to win? I know those 12 Sydonian Dragoons weren’t cheap. Well, they weren’t until you put them on the table – but that’s a whole different type of cheap. And those Kastelan “Bro-Bots” as you keep calling them produce how many shots again? I know it’s “a simple point and click interface” but c’mon man.
What the heck happened to you guys?! We used to steam roll these space bugs left and right. If it wasn’t a Flyrant, it wasn’t an issue. Suddenly your Genestealers are scary and you’ve got Dakkafexes with double the fire power? Did you eat plant Double-Mint GUN?! And what’s up with the new 4+ Invulnerable save and enhanced toughness and wounds on your Tyrants? Not cool, man. I thought this was going to be like that scene in Starship Troopers where I bunker up and shoot you as you run into my bullets – what gives?
…Nah, just kidding. You guys are cool. WAAAGGHH!!!!
There are more armies out there – just because we didn’t mention YOUR army don’t think you’re safe…We’ll be back with part II tomorrow!