40K: Why YOUR Army is Terrible – Part I

Look man, we’ve see your army list and we need to have a talk…

Every army has SOMETHING that makes it a real pain to play against so let’s shine a light on why YOUR army is BS. Let’s do this!

Space Marines

On top of your +3 save and your endless re-rolls – we’re getting sick of seeing Guilliman in every list! We know he’s on a crusade but he can’t be EVERYWHERE at once. He’s a Primarch not the Emperor! Do you even remember how to build an army without him? Take a Chapter Master for Pete’s sake! They need the work – they’ve got families to feed!

Chaos Space Marines

You Heretics need to cut it out with the Malefic Lord and Warp Time. We get it – you found an undercosted HQ choice and enjoy tossing out Smites. It’s getting old and no one likes you for bringing it. And sure, you can turn 1 charge a unit of Berzekers into whatever thanks to Warp Time – just because everyone else can Turn 1 Charge doesn’t mean you should too! If everyone was Turn 1 charging off a cliff would you charge too!? Don’t be a follower – be a leader.

Astra Militarum

First they Nerfed your Conscripts. Then they Buffed your Tanks. Now you’ve got a TON of Orders to play around with and it’s killing us – not because of your double-firing Leman Russes, but because of old age. I think I grew a beard and sent my kid to college in the time it took for your last turn. I came into our last game with a hop in my step and left using a walker – and no, I’m not bitter because you tabled me on turn two. I’m bitter because of the arthritis.

Death Guard

Congratulations on Mortarion – but you’d don’t have to smell like your army looks. Why is that after every game with these guys I’m out of hand sanitizer? But really your army wide +5 Disgustingly Resilient save and those pesky Plague Weapons with Stratagems are getting old. No, really – look at them! They are literally rusty and old – you might want to get a tetanus shot…

Aeldari

For all your specialized troops and 1/2 half the rules your ignoring – I’m getting tired of playing against an army that looks the exact same from 20 years ago. I’d prefer to fight against something other than a Wraithknight from this millennium. I know your options are limited but at least you’re still getting great use out of your cheaty eldar ways.

Adeptus Mechanicus

Other than your insistence on writing your entire army list in binary, your random beeps and constant hailing of our “robot overlords” your army isn’t that bad…But how DOES it feel to pay to win? I know those 12 Sydonian Dragoons weren’t cheap. Well, they weren’t until you put them on the table – but that’s a whole different type of cheap. And those Kastelan “Bro-Bots” as you keep calling them produce how many shots again? I know it’s “a simple point and click interface” but c’mon man.

Tyranids

What the heck happened to you guys?! We used to steam roll these space bugs left and right. If it wasn’t a Flyrant, it wasn’t an issue. Suddenly your Genestealers are scary and you’ve got Dakkafexes with double the fire power? Did you eat plant Double-Mint GUN?! And what’s up with the new 4+ Invulnerable save and enhanced toughness and wounds on your Tyrants? Not cool, man. I thought this was going to be like that scene in Starship Troopers where I bunker up and shoot you as you run into my bullets – what gives?

Orks

…Nah, just kidding. You guys are cool. WAAAGGHH!!!!

 

There are more armies out there – just because we didn’t mention YOUR army don’t think you’re safe…We’ll be back with part II tomorrow!

 

 

  • Fraser1191

    Is this just an opinion piece? I was actually hoping for real criticism but it just seems like this person is complaining about the meta/spamming.
    I typically build my lists semi fluffy while also being, in my mind balanced

    • Diagoras

      Pretty sure he’s joking.

      I thought it was pretty funny, anyway. Love how the Orks don’t have anything good enough to complain about.

      • Fraser1191

        Yeah I’ll admit I got a couple chuckles out of it lol
        And with all these -1 to hit traits going around I’d say orks have something to complain about

        • Randy Randalman

          Each codex has released and presented answers to “problems” very quickly. Heck, this article isn’t even accurate about Guilliman, as most top-tier marine lists don’t use him anymore. When the Orks get their codex in 2018 (as all of the armies will be updated next year), they will have answers to such problems. None of the codices have been left helpless or without design elements specifically tuned to rock-paper-scissors troublesome units. They were all designed with the others in mind; Orks will not be left wanting. Nobody has been thus far.

          “But…but Grey Knights!!!”

          Grey Knights eat Magnus and Mortarion for lunch, are spectacular against the new Tyranids, and I can guarantee you they will show up in bigger numbers once Demons have their codex as one of the few armies that can consistently deal with so many invulnerable saves.

          • Fraser1191

            That’s a good point about grey knights.
            What is it about them that makes them good against the tyranids? All the smites they can dish out in short range or that everyone has storm bolters?

      • Robomummy

        Not sure about that, I’ve played against a large variety of lists since 8th dropped and i can’t find anything yet that can beat 200 Boyz, ghazkull, and a few painboyz.

        • R4zl

          5 stormravens & Guilliman still can. You can’t assault them and they can clear out 2-3 units of thirty boys per turn. Sure the list looses if you loose Guilliman but vs your list that’s not going to be a problem as he is faster than you and can just block your movement with flyers all game.

          Any list can have a list tailored to beat it basically.

    • Sniddy

      ….Did you enjoy the whooshing the noise this joke made as it flew over your head?

      • Fraser1191

        I guess I was just expecting more…

      • frank

        Is it really a joke if they run serious articles saying the exact same stuff over and over? lol

        • Sniddy

          Maybe a different kind of joke

    • marxlives

      I think it was a pretty intelligent and comedic use of hyperbole to point out an essential issue with 8th that people are worried about and are hoping Chapter Approved will fix. Which is while each army is competitive there really is one list to win. Essential everything is 5th edition Dark Eldar.

  • Charon

    “You Heretics need to cut it out with the Malefic Lord and Warp Time.”
    Not a CSM unit.

    • Randy Randalman

      No, but Warp Time’ing a unit of ‘zerkers is. Their Obliterators are pretty absurd too; as is a Chaos Lord with jump pack and the Alpha Legion relic.

      But in a good way. It’s fine for everyone to have something super strong.

      • Spacefrisian

        Who does tha..Nvm not many seem to have figured it out you should warptime a warptalon unit after it came in from reserves.

        • Simon Chatterley

          That’s all I use Warptime for 😉

          10 Warptalons with +1 to wound from stratagem, Prescience and Mark of Khorne to fight twice (yes I know…psychic on Khorne but meh…) is surprisingly effective

  • Shaun

    There has been a lot of complaints about the Malefic Lord…..I don’t know why. The entirety of the remaining Renegades and Hordes list is god awful, unless you are using the new Leman Russ rules. Stop whining about the one really good unit an army has. Go take a look at a far more broken army…..like Tau or anything with a Primarch.

    • John Burns

      oh man i had to screenshot this to send it to my friends so we can share the laugh. tau are broken but not the way you are describing. the tau index is soooo bad that only spamming supreme command detachments full of commanders and drones is viable. ffs admech are the new tau this edition. go read a codex.

    • Ninety

      Leaving aside that if you’re claiming Tau are broken your opinion should be discarded on that alone, the problem is that any Chaos list can take detachments stuffed full of Malefic Lords with zero downsides. The rest of the list being crap doesn’t matter, because nobody takes the rest of the list.

  • I_am_Alpharius
  • Drpx

    Did Pimpcron ghostwrite this?

  • YetAnotherFacelessMan

    So, in order:

    Marines: Are good at their job, and their primarch is effective.
    CSM: Forgeworld units are poorly balanced. Otherwise fine.
    Guard: I’m impatient.
    Death Guard: LOL NERDS DONT SHOWER! Also, your primarch is effective.
    Eldar: Your models look bad and you should feel bad.
    AdMech: Your models are expensive and you should feel bad.
    Tyranids: Your army is good now and you should feel bad.
    Orks: You haven’t gotten a codex yet and you should feel good.

    Quality article. 10/10. 11/10. 12/10. Please don’t make part 2.

    • Ninety

      It’s a joke article, Jesus. No need to tear everything down for its own sake.

      • YetAnotherFacelessMan

        OH! I GET IT NOW! I didn’t realize it was supposed to be funny! Now that I know that, I find this article to be totally great! 13/10! 14/10!

        Seriously, though… tearing it down was the only small pleasure this “article” gave me. Why do you have to be a killjoy? It was a joke comment, Jesus. No need to tear down my comment for its own sake.

        • Jared van Kell

          But how else will the cycle of fun continue? 😛

          • YetAnotherFacelessMan

            Life finds a way. The other lores of magic, less so.

  • Martin B

    I tend to build for the mission we’re playing. Granted though I do like fast moving builds. I take lots of jump packers, troops have dedicated transports, heavy is either tanks or aircraft and elites will have some way of reaching anywhere on the board. Some people don’t like when I field this others like the challenge. Eldar definitely need some new models though.

  • Marco Marantz

    I realize this article is somewhat tongue in cheek but a 3+ save is not what it was in 8th ed. Also, if a Chaos player did not even attempt to use warp time (still have to get it off and not have it denied) the player may as well not even bother setting up. I also dont see many chaos players abusing malefic lords.

  • Andrew O’Brien

    WAAAGGHH!!!!

  • Legitimancer

    I’m upset that this article appears to be upsetting people. :

  • Troy Dean

    This is filed under humor. Wouldn’t that first require being funny?

    • Jared van Kell

      Well I would personally think it was satire as opposed to humour. But I still got a chuckle out of it nonetheless.

  • Marcus Clark

    Ors at the beginning of the 8th pre codex, SPAM ork mob 30+ blobs, ignore losing everyone in the blob, grind the enemy down with 60 attacks. currently in 8th, WAAARRRR = WAAAWAAHH. Everyone shoots us to death or is better CC, its not fair. My looted tanks dont fire twice, and my dreadnoughts made of scrapp are worse than everyone else’s brand new super dreadnoughts. And we cant spam the magic rod to ingnore wounds on 4+ re rolling.!! 🙂

  • Magnus

    *Has never taken a Malefic Lord*