Pimpcron explains 40k in a way that anybody could understand.
Merry Christmas Earthlings! Pimpcron is here to discuss something we’ve all ran into from time to time: trying to explain 40k to a friend or relative. With the holidays here, you might find yourself in this situation and it’s not much of a stretch to say that it is a difficult task in today’s 30-second attention span society. You have to water down much of it and give your friend or family member a couple of “commercial breaks” every seven minutes or so to keep them interested. Jingling keys helps too. Anyway, you may want to just print this out like a brochure for the next time someone asks you what 40k is about.
Okay, so this whole game is set in a time where human people have spread out all over the space. It’s like way, way in the future. So far into the future that our technology got a whole lot better, and then humanity just let it fall to shit and they forgot all kinds of stuff. Many people blame the fact that nobody ever updated their Java. So like, the older technology is actually better than the new stuff because they forgot how to make things that good anymore. Some guy unearths an iPhone 5 and is all like, “Sweet! All we remember how to build is that shitty iPhone 7!”
Humans have this Emperor who is worshiped like a king, but the dude is so chill he’s just been sleeping through his whole presidency. Before his nap, he brought all of the human people together not unlike the Star Wars: Episode 7. He claimed to have a latex allergy and ended up making all of these kids that were way better than the regular humans. They were all boys and were chock full of swagger and more than enough hustle-and-flow. He called them the Primarchs after his favorite Indy Rock band and home-schooled them in the ways of fighting and making cool poses in front of enemies. So they went around punching faces and overall being cool. As he sent his children out into the void to indiscriminately kill xenos he warned them, “Do not, for any reason listen to the sinful, seductive tones of She Who Thirsts, otherwise known as Justin Beiber.”
His sons all went out and did stuff-and –junk until some of them stumbled across the life-changing piece of musical artwork called “Baby” by the Beibs. The powerful and mind-altering tunes turned all who listened to it into a Belieber and they turned on their dad. It was a pretty nasty fight and in the end the Beliebers were repelled by the good guys, but not until after their dad was hurt. So he decided to sleep it off for a coupla centuries and he gets his nutrients by Vaping a bunch of Psyker souls every day. It’s the new fad diet and he does want to look good for bikini season. Zero carbs.
Meanwhile here is a run-down of the other aliens running around.
Chaos (The Beliebers): They do everything the Biebs tells them to do, buy all of his albums, and hate everything that doesn’t repeat itself fifty times per song. I already covered them above.
Orks: These are big, green, sentient mushrooms that are pissed about something and like to fight. They generally act like your secretly-alcoholic uncle. Just picture him but with green skin and a vaguely racist Scottish accent.
Tau: Think of them as tiny, blue fish people who are way, way into Anime. Any time they are designing a new vehicle they just strap legs and arms on it and make it a Gundam. They are basically the United Federation of Planets but they’re all like, “Join us or else we will just take your stuff.”
Eldar: Just picture Legolas (Lord of the Rings elf) in space and give him D-Weapons. Their empire is like K-Mart, they used to be everywhere but now not so much. The Necrons (see below) handed them their butts a while ago and they have been kind of pissy and aloof ever since.
Necrons: They are T-100 from terminator, but they act like Egyptian zombies. Being small machines, they feel inadequate next to bigger machines, so they designed their guns to easily wreck bigger stuff than them. Also, they keep coming back even though you thought you killed them; just like your secret feelings for your cousin.
Tyranids: The things from Starship Troopers have come to town and are binge eaters. They are basically a married man, they seem to act on their own but are secretly controlled by a stronger-willed being from afar.
Dark Eldar- Screamo space elves who are really into bondage, and are pretty kinky. The Imperium looks down on them for all of the nasty stuff they’re into, but the Dark Eldar treat their women equally to their men which is way far ahead of the humans socially.
Imperial Guard- Saving Private Ryan, but where everybody dies and nobody ever sends anyone to find private Ryan because they don’t care in the first place. And shot his mom in the head when she came to them for help. And then stripped her skull and put mechanical parts in it and now it floats in the air near them relaying orders like a radio. Oh, and they have lots of tanks.
Did I miss anything?
Want to witness my slow descent into madness, first-hand? Check out my blog at www.diceforthedicegod.com