EMBARRASS, MN – The Warhammer 40k 8th edition BIG FAQ has recently arrived with a thunderous roar, blasting its way across FLGS gaming tables, inciting heated debate on various gaming podcasts, and irrevocably changing the face of this popular, and much-loved game.
A humor article written by Luftwaffle
Many say the changes reflected in the GW update continue to herald in a period of open communication, company transparency, and a never before present inclination held by GW to actually listen to their player base regarding changes to this great and epic game. These players triumph the decisions implemented by Nottingham, and emphatically claim these rules upgrades have ultimately changed the game for the better.
But not all share in this positive proclamation of good will and sound game design. Many players, not impressed by the current update, have cautioned that such changes are heavy handed and ill placed. They believe these tweaks have been informed by an incredibly small fraction of the player base, resulting in modifications that will negatively impact a player base that wasn’t affected by these imbalances in the first place. They say it will irreparably ruin the game.
One such gamer is Harvey Dinkins.
Harvey was born and raised in Embarrass, and is currently the mid shift manager at a local pizza eatery, or “upscale Italian cuisine” as he likes to classify it.
Harvey affirms that he’s been a stalwart fan of 40k ever since its inception, and holds a lifelong love for the game, and its parent company.
“So, you know, like, I’ve been a fan since 40k rolled out, right? Like, since the beginning. I even helped with the game design, oh yeah. Back in the day, I was talking to Rick. Rick Priestley, you know, and he was trying to come up with names for the main hero army. You know, he was going to call them, ‘Space Tarts,’ or maybe ‘Moon Gorillas’ and I was all, ‘no, bro, you need to call them ‘Space Marines.’ So, he did.”
Suffice to say, Harvey truly loves 40k, and is most displeased by the release of the BIG FAQ, and the effect it will have on the game.
“I totally think it’s going to make certain armies unplayable, like Harlequins, maybe Death Guard and certain Eldar lists, right. Like completely unplayable. Not even worth it. Don’t even build the list because you’re gonna get wiped from the table turn one. Completely.”
Does Harvey think this FAQ might be the start of the game’s ruination?
“Oh, totally. Like, this is the first step. This is ground zero on the demise of 40k. Look at how they’ve ruined it so far: the change to flyers not being able to hold objectives, uh, the limit on Tau Commanders. Mark my words. By this time next year, this game will be dead. No one will be playing it. This FAQ is the catalyst for like, the complete death of 40k. I don’t know who’s running 40k, but they’re driving it straight into the ground. Like, no one plays it, at our shop anymore.”
Despite his grim tidings of unfortunate bearings, Harvey still has hope for the game.
“Like, if GW called me up, and they were all, ‘Hey Harvey, we could use your hand on fixing this game. We hear you have some great ideas.’ I might consider it, yeah, you know. I might do that.”
While Harvey sees himself as a defender of the best interests of 40k, others at Harvey’s FLGS, don’t seem to share the same opinion. We spoke with another regular 40k player who frequents their preferred shop, Billy Kavalli.
“What? Harvey said what? Man, we’ve got THREE leagues going right now, with people waiting to get involved. The game hasn’t been stronger at the shop. New people are picking it up every week. Seriously? Dude, Harvey hasn’t played a game of 40k since third edition. He just kind of weirdly stands over the tables and critiques everything everyone is doing and makes weird noises when he doesn’t agree with something you did. He doesn’t even have a plastic army. It’s still all those ugly little metal pieces.”
The local owner of the FLGS also chimed in.
“I think Billy’s right. Harvey’s been coming to the store for three years now, and I don’t think he’s ever actually bought anything 40k from me, and I’m the only store in town.”
We asked Harvey if it was true that he hasn’t played a game since third edition 40k, or recently bought any product.
“Look, whether I’ve played or bought anything is arbitrary. I understand the game and its design. I know how it should be played, and what’s best for the system. I can’t help it if all these GW fanboys won’t hold Nottingham to task for ruining the game.”
We asked if there was any other reasons for this refusal to play.
“Because I’m, you know, protesting GW for their lack of community interaction. Like the abuse certain factions have sustained over time is just abhorrent. I’m going to refrain from playing until GW takes some steps to heal and appease the community, and they can start by making plastic Sisters. When they release plastic Sisters. I’ll return.”
We informed Harvey that GW would indeed be releasing plastic Sisters in the near future.
Coming soon to plastic Harvey
“Did you hear ‘Sisters?’ I said ‘squats.’
~Do you know Harvey? I bet you do…
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