Think of it as a Pokedex for nerds.
This is the part of the article where I say hello, so even though I have not yet uttered that greeting, I did technically write the word “hello” so that counts. I’m technically correct, which is the best kind of correct. Today I present to you the culmination of years playing tournaments in the wild. A classification guide to the tournament players you may encounter. I give full permission to print this handbook out for personal next time you’re on safari at a nerd gathering.
This wargamer comes in two varieties, extremely thin and obese. For some reason only Darwin knows, they evolved into two opposite yet identical races. No matter how they look, these are easy to spot. Hygiene is not really high on their list of priorities. In fact, their approach is preceded by a meaty scent that could be mistaken for beef stew or fried SPAM. Speaking of spam, these players range from ultra-hardcore to casual so you never know what you’re going to get when facing them. It is suggested that you include clothes pins for your nose when facing them, or some spray deodorant to spray them down in a stealthy fashion.
This player LIVES for this game. They can be any appearance but the identifying characteristic is their intense stare. If you try any Joke and Friendliness actions, they have no effect on this gamer. If anything you say doesn’t include rules, FAQs, or a dice roll, they will be bewildered. They appear at tournaments as a way to crush enemies and the other players are only a necessity. Tryhardazards only know two expressions: stone-faced detachment and occasional frustration at the outcome of a dice roll. These robot-like wargamers don’t often get angry in the normal sense, but researchers theorize that they may take their frustrations out in private. Scientists often find punch holes in the walls of a Tryhardazard’s domicile which is likely caused by a combination of tournament failure and Pabst Blue Ribbon.
These are possible the worst breed in this manual. The win is not only the primary goal but the ONLY goal for this gamer and they will bend rules, rulers, and dice outcomes to achieve it. Some experts suggest that the Pikacheater is actually a cousin to the Tryhardazard, but that has not been confirmed. Pikacheaters often deploy ruses like, “look over there!” or fast rolling to mask any illegal maneuvers they make. Often times, these gamers start off as friendly enough, but will soon change tone when things don’t go their way or they are caught cheating. An interesting characteristic of this gamer is that they often are hyper-vigilant for other players cheating.
This gamer is usually fine to play against and may open up to you during the game, but the defining attribute is intense shyness and awkwardness. These types are very common in tournaments and are generally not dangerous. They can be any size or shape.
This gamer is often heard well before it is seen. It delights in other people hearing it makes noise, but researchers aren’t sure why. This gamer laughs extra loud at things that aren’t that funny, yells all its words, and often touches other people when not warranted. Science has shown that this gamer’s Personal Space Gland is withered to the point where it cannot see personal space of others and often invades those zones unknowingly. Generally not hostile, this gamer is really only guilty of raising the over all noise level around them and causing other gamers nearby to talk louder to be heard.
There is no pleasing a Tragicarp. There is only one reaction this gamer can exhibit when confronted with the slightest inconvenience: dread. These players typically whine and cry over the slightest momentum tip in their opponent’s favor, and often begin their sad-sack performance as unit are being deployed. To them, each and every action of their opponent is a direct and aggressive attack on their soul. Phrases like, “of course you would” and “you win” are often heard in the vicinity of a Tragicarp. While not inherently hostile, they are not fun to play against.
This gamer is often overlooked for the more exotic species of gamer when cataloguing breeds, but it is actually the most common. Coolbats don’t make lots of noise, aren’t offensive to your nose, and are fine with making conversation. They tend to range from competitive to casual, with no set physical profile. These gamers are generally cool with any list you throw at them and will keep their cool even when being crushed on the tabletop. While they are not as exciting or interesting as the others, scientists estimate that somewhere between 50-70% of all tournament goers are actually Coolbats.
There you have it, did I miss any?
Hey! This article is brought to you by my top-tier Patreon supporter Mike Cowley!
Thanks Michael, smooches!
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