The world of D&D is just as awful as ours. Don’t believe me? Here’s five ways someone can slide right into your DMs in Dungeons & Dragons.
Magic is often an allegory for technology in a fantasy story. After all it’s a great power that has wide impact on the world, but is only really truly understood by a few. Though anyone can learn it, and the more you learn, the more you realize the very things the world relies on are constantly on fire and in a state of perpetual disaster, and only a few well-paid furries are holding it all together.
And nowhere is that more true than in Dungeons & Dragons, where many of the so-called “creature comforts” of technology are replicated by magic, including computers (you just need the right knowhow and enough people with Magic Mouth). But, as we all know, the internet was a mistake. And apparently, so was magic, because these five spells will let you slide into anyone’s DMs.
Let’s start with the most common one. This is just a cantrip, but it allows you to whisper to someone that only your intended target can hear. Now, sure, this spell was probably intended to convey information in dangerous situations.
But like any good piece of technology, perverts have almost certainly ruined it forever. And now, you can’t go anywhere without some hedge wizard creeping in the shadows and whispering “hey/sup/hi/you up” every six seconds. Especially since the spell can be cast through a foot of stone or 3 feet of wood. The spell doesn’t even have to follow a straight line and can go around corners and through openings, so, nowhere is safe.
If that wasn’t bad enough, every fifty feet or so you’re bound to run into a magic mouth. This is a magical mouth that appears on whatever object it’s been cast upon to deliver a message to any creature that meets a given description. So, someone wearing a suit of plate armor, for instance, might get a message “hey drop that dead weight, buy lennie’s leathers instead.” Every. Single. Time. All it takes is 10 gp and you can make the flagstones say “are those space pants” anytime someone wearing pants walks by.
Okay, so you realized that nowhere is safe, so you left civilization behind to head out into the wilderness. Even that won’t get you far enough away. Because next thing you know, a tiny little blue jay, or bat, or squirrel comes and perches near you and says “hey baby, lemme roll to seduce you” in the voice of that weird bard from two towns ago,
That’s Animal Messenger for you. It lasts for 24 hours, it magically compels an animal to speak with the caster’s voice, and it gives them a 25 word limit. If you can go far enough away, you might escape.
This one’s a little harder to use, since it’s a 3rd level spell. But once someone has it, all they have to do is be familiar with you–make that friend request–and you can start Sending messages directly to someone’s mind across any distance. It’s like the internet but even WORSE because now you have to actually hear the bard saying “uwu *glomps you* hihi” in YOUR MIND.
I hate it here.
With this one, at least you get a save. And it requires a 9th level spellcaster, so the odds of you knowing someone who can cast this spell personally are pretty low–unless you’re in Faerun, where you can’t swing a tressym without hitting a high level spellcaster. Just think about how miserable Thay must be. A whole nation of wizards. That’s almost as bad as living in Silicon Valley.
Especially since with Dream the caster can just speak to you in your dreams. And that means that not only can you hear the bard saying uwu you have perfect recall of it upon waking. No wonder elves gave up sleeping.
Okay Real Talk Though Use Tabletop Safety Tools
It should go without saying–but this is the internet, which we’ve acknowledge, is a mistake, so let’s say it anyway–but you should never actually do this at your table, because RPGs like D&D should be an escape from the worst parts of the real world. And that’s why tabletop safety tools exist. You can find a ton of free resources to help you make sure that nobody at the table slides into anyone’s DMs unless you want that to be a part of your game.
Remember, you’re always in control. Don’t let anyone ruin your fun. That’s what the internet’s for.