40k Gamers: Are You Whipped?

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man-in-chains
The Pimpcron addresses a much maligned topic.
Howdy guys and gals. The hero you deserve, Pimpcron, is here to discuss a touchy subject. At the beginning of this article I want to clarify a couple things to frame it into perspective. I am a guy. (gasp!) And I see this through a guy’s eyes, and I’m sure somewhere out there is a wargaming woman who has this exact issue with her non-wargaming partner. I don’t know how that situation would be different from mine (if at all) but I personally know this is a big thing with male wargamers and their spouses. I don’t have the time to explore every single possible angle on this, so I will explain it from my point of view.

Up Until Now I’ve Been Free

My wife and I do not control each other in any way really. We have always allowed each other to do whatever we want. Very early in our relationship, she learned that I was very wary of being “whipped” and if she tried to tell me that I “couldn’t” do something, I’d definitely do it out of spite. While that may seem petty, that set the tone for our freedom in our relationship for all of these years. That being said, I am older now, and more reasonable to our relationship’s needs. As long as she asks me to do or not to do something and doesn’t command it, I will consider her point of view.

Though I still have that spiteful streak deep down and she knows it. I have a few friends that are completely controlled by their spouses and this Homie Don’t Play Dat. I have a friend who gets 2-5 calls and texts from his spouse while we’re hanging out. It’s like the spouse looks for any little reason to contact my friend while we’re together and it drives me nuts.

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I wouldn’t say he’s a prisoner in his own home, but every time he tries to leave he has to break out.

I’ve been in the hobby for about 8 years, and for these 8 years she has been a saint. She has put up with my nights out at the gaming club every single week, and having friends over once or twice a week to play. I have an entire room dedicated to my wargaming stuff and terrain. And she hasn’t really ever said much when I leave my wargaming paraphernalia lying around.

Or when I hobby on the kitchen counter while the family is watching a movie.

Or spend money on this hobby and accumulate my 9 different 40k armies, 2 Firestorm Armada fleets, and 3 AoS armies. (Side Note: I am a fiscally responsible adult and my hobby spending has never threatened our financial stability or anything. But like many of you, I still feel that I spend too much on it.) Like I said, she is a saint.

Here’s What Happened To Me

Recently all of this came to a head. I was playing wargames at my normal frequency, hobbying like normal, and spending literally hundreds of hours of work in preparation for my convention Shorehammer after my normal job each day. It’s no surprise in hindsight that it finally became too much for her. We had one of our rare arguments and from it came the statement, “Can you just take a break from Warhammer for a while?” I was really irritated.

If you don’t already know from my articles, I don’t usually play video games anymore due to children, and we (intentionally) don’t have cable or satellite or anything. The ONLY thing I do for fun is play this and few other wargames, and hobby. This is how I relieve stress and spend time with my friends. So when she asks me to stop doing the ONLY thing I enjoy as a pastime, you might understand where my old rebellious streak started surfacing. One thing you have to understand about my wife, is that she has no actual hobbies. She never really has. So I felt like she just wanted me to be like her.

 

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Okay. So do we just stare at each other or what?

Not seeing her side at first, or realizing how much time I’ve spent on Shorehammer prep above and beyond all of my hobby and gaming time, I thought she was being really selfish. I couldn’t believe that MY wife was actually telling me to stop the one hobby I love. I took some time to think about it and here’s the conclusion I came to.

Am I Whipped, or Courteous?

It’s kind of an un-written rule: spouses have a say in whether or not you get to game. But everybody kind of mimes the whipping motion when someone says, “Sorry, I can’t come. [insert name] wants to do something as a family.” Or whatever it is. The moment men hear other men can’t do something because of their spouse, the thought instantly comes up in their brain that that guy might be whipped. Even if they do understand the situation, it still surfaces.

drevil_million_dollars

This is my mean streak. And it just wants sharks with frickin’ laser beams on their heads.

So for the first time, I sat down and thought about the situation. In a relationship, you have a social agreement to live together and share your life together. Well, obviously compromises have to be made at some point or you’d just have two super-selfish people pulling in each direction and getting nowhere. But where is the line between me being her slave and me being a good and courteous husband? I came to realize that I was spending some time away from the family due to the game/hobby, but it was fine until all of the prep for Shorehammer was added.

You see, I didn’t have a panel of experts or Board of Directors. Everything at Shorehammer was written, printed, created, or otherwise done by me with a few exceptions. In hindsight it would have been awesome if I had some help with things besides our terrain painting days. But having all of that stress and workload blinded me to the time I was no longer spending with the family.

I came to the conclusion that if your spouse is constantly interfering with your activities arbitrarily, then you’re whipped. And unfortunately there isn’t much changing it unless it’s in the beginning of your relationship. Once the balance of your relationship is set, it is quite hard to change it.

And she wasn’t telling me to take a break, she was ASKING. Literally, she was asking me to take a break. It wasn’t some sort of demand she was sending down from her throne, she was asking me as a partner in life. But being that I use wargaming cathartically, I didn’t want to lose that completely. So for nearly the first time in our 15-year relationship, I had to (at least partially) give something up that I love for the health of our relationship. So I decided on a compromise that I am partially happy with, and she’s happy with.

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Wife: “Pimpcron, what are you doing in the bushes?”

Me: “Nothing! Look away!” [puts codex back in hiding spot]

I decided that she won’t be exposed to wargaming anymore that she has to be. I removed all of my paraphernalia from the counter, and I’m not going to tell her about wargaming anymore. I’m also not going to hobby while the whole family is home, and I’m going to spend time with them instead with undivided attention. I’ll still go to my gaming club each week and I’ll still have people over to play. Plus, Shorehammer prep is put to rest until next year; which was the biggest issue out of all of this. So now everything is hunky-dory again and I still get to do what I love, I’m just trying to limit her exposure to it.

So what’s your verdict? Am I whipped or being a good spouse?

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Shorehammer Button for BoLS

  • SupPupPup

    Maybe rather than giving up warhammer (or at least hiding it away) you need to build up a portfolio of different hobbies.

    Maybe try something she’s interested in, or something completely at odds with warhammer? A sport or gardening or mushroom hunting or whatever.

    A range of interests can help you to see warhammer from a different angle, make a side of the hobby that never interested you suddenly very appealing.

    It all comes back to the glorious game.

    • Thanks for advice SPP. Unfortunately she has no hobbies! And having 4 kids, the hobbies we can do would be single-player because someone has to watch the kids. Not hobbying around her has prompted us to talk a lot more which we’ve both enjoyed. And you’re right about having different hobbies. I tend to have an addictive personality, so when I like something I REALLY like it.

      • SupPupPup

        My GF also doesn’t have a hobby explicitly, but she does have things she enjoys, like crafting or cycling.

        If I was to ask her, and to completely generalise many partners, if they had a hobby, they would say no.

        But it might not be true, they have lots of things they enjoy, but never really want to over commit to them.

        Compared to our warhammer lust don’t seem like hobbys, but maybe something that she enjoys, and maybe you don’t.

        Simply participating in activities that could even involve the children (damn sprogs!) would be good.

        But at the same time, don’t force it, really it should be something that should happen organically.

        HOWEVER

        I don’t know your situation, and so any advice I give have to be taken with huge handfuls of salt.

        • No, I see what you mean now. That is good advice. You’re right, I look at the small thing she does as “not-hobbies” due to it not being nearly as hardcore as warhammer. Maybe I’ll try one with her. But you’re right, it can’t seem forced or she will see it as patronizing.

          • NNextremNN

            There are a lot of simple things you can do together like cooking/baking at a certain age you can even include your children.

            Maybe you can find someone else to take care of the kids for one evening like grandparents and then go watch a movie with her.

            Does she have friends? Maybe she want’s to go out with them for a evening and you can take care of the kids.

            And don’t take this as offense and this is just taken from your description (which is surly just a fraction of your life) but your relationship seems imbalanced. She takes care of the kids while you take care of wargaming. Maybe she has no time for a hobby of her own or the only hobby she cares about is her family.

            Also if you haven’t already tell her that she is a saint and greet her from us 😉

          • Haha. As I’ve said in other comments, I have kind of an addictive personality, and tend to lose sight of things when I’m really into something. While we do share kid-duties like bathing etc, she does *more* of the household duties than I do. I mean, I help too, but she does at least 60%. I have tried to take more of the load off of her in this regard. And no, she doesn’t have friends. I have tried and tried to set her up with friends but people our age (especially women) let their children rule their entire lives and have little time for friends. She had one really great friend who had to move away this year due to work. She lives like 20 hours away now.

          • Jay Mort

            Those small things are ‘not-hobbies’ as you term them, because women seem uninterested in aspects of life or culture which are best experienced with extreme commitment.

            A woman will prefer to watch a movie, or sew a shirt in an afternoon, while a man will work on rebuilding a car for a year or two. A woman will prefer a sweet chocolate, while a man will prefer a 2 hour puff on a pipe.

            Men participate in hobbies which are more delayed gratification, while women tend to prefer instant rewards.

            I would warn against injecting yourself into your wife’s hobbies. Doing something you find unenjoyable constantly will begin causing you to relate that feeling with the person you are doing it with. Especially if you feel you are compelled to do it.

      • LordKrungharr

        I live and feel this article too. Thankfully my wife has taken up knitting and watching shows I don’t like on the iPad. But I have agreed to curtail my assembly/painting activities to 4 hours/week, one casual game every other week, and limit myself to one tournament a month. Adepticon is in addition to that. And I just do my army listing, article reading, purchasing, army listing, DakkaDakking, army listing when she’s not around. That kind of budgeting seems to have helped the arguments, though not all the glaring looks.

        • Gotta do what ya gotta do man. You seem to get it. You’re in it together, so we have to find a way to make it work.

  • Kritarion

    “Father of four, was the leading cause of teen pregnancy”

    Is this how servitors are made?

    • Yes. My son has a MultiMelta for a left arm. 😀

      • Xodis

        Good call!

  • AX_472

    You’re not whipped but hiding it all away is a terrible idea. She’ll think its the new status quo and then you’ll start to backslide. That will likely lead to an argument. The key is to show that you care and make an effort. beyond that the finer points are largely irrelevant. Also maybe find some help organising your fest next year. lol.

    • ZeeLobby

      Yeah. Sharing the burden and delegating might help a lot.

      • euansmith

        Just like my old Granny used to say, “A problem shared is a problem doubled.” 😉

    • Thanks for chiming in AX_472. You make a good point. And a lot of the workload for cons is front-heavy, or in the first year. So a lot of the work and things I did this year can be used for many years to come.

  • Matt

    She clearly feels neglected and like mini-wargaming is more important to you than her. Going to club a few days a week and having mates over a few days a week means she actually sees less of you then the game does. You have to work out what the tipping point is where you can both live with the result. I play a lot of tournaments not b/c I’m super competitive, but b/c it’s the best way for me to get multiple games without drastically cut into family time.

    • ZeeLobby

      They’re great brocations as well. And none of our equivalent others ever want to come.

    • Good point. The tournament thing is a a good angle on it. Getting all of your gaming in in big spurts.

  • David Leimbach

    Portable hobby station is what you need. I wouldn’t disappear completely or completely confine your interests to the “man cave”, but a bit more tidy, considerate or whatever goes a long ways. It’s best to solve these problems before they’re problems.

    • Ya know, we were just talking about that last night! I’ve never had a portable hobby tray and I am looking into one now. Are you a astropath?

      • Robert Thornton-Kaye

        Me, the mrs and my son each have a painting tray. They’re a bit pricey but worth it. Makes it so easy to get what you need out without the painting stuff dominating the room or the free time.

        I recommend that you help her find a hobby. It might help her relieve stress and it will help her relate to the idea of you having a pastime to defrag your brain. My wife does a selection of old crafts, particularly knitting for charity. It’s also something that she can bond with the kids over if you can find a hobby that they both like.

        • Thanks Robert. On second thought, we used to really enjoy playing blood bowl together, and she has made comments about missing it. That might be a win-win to get into that again. Otherwise, finding her a hobby is the way to go I think.

      • NNextremNN
        • Very nice! I’ll take a look.

      • As someone in a similar situation (only 2 kids, but still), my biggest advice is this: don’t integrate the tray into your hobby station. I did, but it isn’t big enough to accommodate everything so it frequently winds up burried under dozens of paint bottles or storing piles of models. My current quest is to get mine out of rotation so it can be dedicated to Around the house hobbying.

        • Hey CrimsonOracle! First of all, yeah I was thinking about getting a portable one. That is a good idea. Plus, I like to be in the kitchen or living room with the family if I’m hobbying, not locked away somewhere.
          Second of all, I saw your comment on last week’s article too late and the comments were closed. I chose Ocean City because it was near me. The better prices in off season is just a bonus. There’s no way I would try to put something like that on in the summer in a Beach Town. Did you say your friend came? What was his first name, just out of curiosity? I remember pretty much all of the names.

  • euansmith

    Hopefully prep for the next Shorehammer will less intensive. You’ve seen what needs doing and can get started on it earlier. You already have some of the resources in place, have some contacts and, now, have a successful event to back you up. This should ameliorate the 2017 workload somewhat. Of course, if it wasn’t for your wife’s prompting, you wouldn’t even have started the Shorehammer project 😉

    Maybe you should take up a hobby you can enjoy together. I hear that Free-fall Dogging is very popular; and, combined with Go-pro, can really spice up your facebook page.

    All the best with establishing an effective work/life/hobby balance.

    • lol. What the heck is Free-fall Dogging? Please tell me that involves what it sounds like.

      And yes, I think a lot fo the ground work for shorehammer was done this year, and subsequent years will be easier. Love your usage of ameliorate. You’re like, a Shakespeare bruh or something. 😀

      • euansmith

        Yo, dawg, Wills is like totally rollin’ in mah hood.

    • FrazzledBadger

      Umm.. Dogging in the UK means something entirely different.. I assume…… Not sure you would want to share pictures to your Facebook page either…. It would definately spice it up though!

      • euansmith

        Yup, “dogging”, but in free-fall! Imagine that! Everything is better in free-fall! 😀

        • Lord Elpus

          Could very well be A:painful and B:fatal😉

  • Nogle

    Or you can go the other way. When she tries to tell/ask, you pull down your pants and point to your junk, so she knows you’re the man.

    I tried that once with my wife, she ended up on the floor laughing at me, so results vary

    • ZeeLobby

      Lol. Brave move my friend. I think John Bobbit tried that same move.

      • Nogle

        I’m a stay at home dad, so probably not coming from a position of power

    • From what i hear, they really respect the helicopter D~ck. Try that. Sage advice. 😀

  • ZeeLobby

    I’ve been playing “Warhammer” for years, regardless of what that actually means. Many times it’s just drinking beers and watching a movie with friends with some light netrunner in the background, or a game of Warmahordes. Of course every time I try going into detail she just shakes her head and laughs so… Happy husband happy life?

    • My wife has always been fine with it, but con-prep pushed it over the edge. Everything has settled down now, and since I’ve limited her exposure to it, she’s been happier. I just got very clear guidelines as to what really irritates her and what is fine with the hobby. So I’m slowly re-introducing it again into our freetime.

      • ZeeLobby

        That’s cool.

  • Stephen Duall

    You’re not whipped; you’re acting like a reasonable adult. I’m in my late 40s and have been married for 15 years. I have three kids, 2 of whom are now teenagers. I got into the hobby because of the kids, but it quickly has become the center of my non-work life. I run a gaming group at our local store, as well as a kids gaming group for 10-15 year olds. I go to LVO and NOVA every year. Met a ton of cool new people through the hobby, a few of whom have become really good friends. Gaming brings me a lot of joy.

    Through it all, my wife has been okay with it. Not thrilled and doesn’t get it, but accepts it’s something important to me. In return, I try to be considerate of my wife’s viewpoint. Game nights at my house are not more than once a month (the players take turns hosting now), hard stop at midnight, stuff kept tidy and out of sight when not playing (most of the time). This arrangement is okay with me. If your arrangement is okay with you, who cares what anyone else thinks? The marriage is between you and your wife, and if you want it to last, you are the only two people whose opinions matters. Every marriage is different, so my suggestion is to find out what works for yours and go with it.

    • Wow. Solid advice Stephen. Thanks! This new arrangement has worked out alright for about a month so far. And I’ve pin-pointed her down to what exactly bothers her. Which basically boils down to, she doesn’t want it detracting from family time. If the kids are asleep, or she’s busy then she doesn’t care what i do. Which is fine. I’ve spent a lot more family time in the last weeks and greatly enjoyed it.

      • Stephen Duall

        Yeah, it sounds like you and your wife have reached a good arrangement! You’re smart to enjoy the kids while you can. With kids the days are long, but the years are short. My eldest goes off to college in a few years. Enjoying every moment I can with him until then.

        One idea that’s worked for me and might work for you is a family calendar (my wife’s idea). I write down all my gaming events and times on the calendar as far in advance as possible. We do the same for family events – in-law dinners, kids sports or school events, family birthdays. I avoid scheduling gaming events on any of those days. If I have a gaming event on the calendar and a family event comes up that coincides, I try to see if I can make both work. But my wife agrees that if my gaming event is on the calendar in advance, the answer is not just me cancelling the gaming event. In my experience the biggest disputes have come when I say “oh by the way, this Friday is a 40k night” and my wife says, “what do you mean, it’s (insert relative’s name here) birthday and we’re invited over to their house for dinner”. The calendar has really helped us avoid those conversations. 🙂

        • Planning can go a long way. I might try this. That way she won’t be surprised by my plans. lol

  • Kord

    Not an issue for me. My wife plays. She has an Eldar army, and we have grudge matches of eldar vs Slaanesh.

    • Oh shut up. I have tried SO HARD for my wife to get into wargaming. It doesn’t interest her. The best I could ever do was get her into heroclix. She did love blood bowl though.

      • Severius_Tolluck

        Once in a while if my wife likes the sculpts she will humor me with a match. Then you see fire light in her eyes and she must destroy me utterly.. a hidden competitive side comes out of her I didn’t know she had as she is normally shy and passive, almost compromises too much. Thing is, it is like pulling teeth to get her to play in the first place, but she enjoys it once she does. However she respects that I want to game a night or two a week. She likes having armies though, I painted her a Circle army for hordes, and I painted her mouselings for DnD / Mice and mystics, as well as a speed force for Relic knights. I also have my sisters I am repainting that she likes, and many dragons. She also loves the LotR minis, So I painted her a ton of those. She also just bought me a pretty spiffy airbrush for my birthday. We do not have kids so I don’t have that as an issue. But yeah her hobbies are crafty and I try to share, like I do latch hook while she knits. However she is often so tired all she ever wants to do is watch tv!

        • Muninwing

          why not both? portable hobby table that can be wheeled into the tv room…

          • Severius_Tolluck

            I just find it clunky, and I find I get too distracted by television, and she just wants to have me hold her while she sits there. Hard to hobby that way. Honestly we live in a tiny apartment so my hobby station is already near the tv, just not on the couch and I get distracted from there as is. I often just hobby at a store now.

    • Otter

      I am also lucky in that my partner plays 40k so hobby time is bonding time for my SO and I. Now if I could just get him to watch Dr Who as well…..

      • Muninwing

        that’s the way to do it.

        but having your separate activities or pursuits isn’t terrible either. come together when you can, get time alone when your need it. everything in balance.

    • Dave Bacon

      My wife likes me gaming. She says it helps her spend time and concentrate on her hobby, which is being away from me.

      In all seriousness though, we have always found that both parties need time to themselves, no one should spend all their time with one single other person. But you have to find that balance between time to yourself, and time with your significant other/family. It’s not always easy.

      I think i’m quite fortunate in that my wife is quite an independent person, she’s quite happy doing her own thing and never really NEEDS me for anything. Plus we play video games together, have an almost identical taste in music (if you ignore the whole Take That/Pavement thing) and have a shared obsession with cats. So that makes it much easier to split hobby time, alone time and time to do stuff together.

      As a side note, I’ve got her to play 40k twice in the last 4 years since I got back into it. Both times I had to refer to it as Sakehammer (a japanese spin off from winehammer or beerhammer) and both times she won. Although to be fair, by the end of the second game I was so drunk I couldn’t pronounce ‘Hammer of Wrath’ and explained the rule as “Like when I hit that wall in my car, but with less yelling from that old dudes whose wall it was, and less insurance disputes. I still don’t know how I did that. Actually, wait, no! It was my brother driving! Why the hell did my insurance premium go up?”.

  • chiefrudiger

    Long time lurker, first time poster. Thought I’d break cover to encourage you to continue your trend of quality and to recommend switching to private browsing before googling dogging.

    • Hey thanks! I love to see first-time posters! Hopefully you’ll find that the comments on my articles aren’t usually the sh~tshow you see on others. My readers have slowly mellowed over time. 😀 Don’t be afraid!
      And thank you for the kind words.

    • FrazzledBadger

      Wheres the fun in that? Just crack Google open at work and hit “I’m feeling Lucky”……..

      • lol. *fired*

        • Muninwing

          promotions!

  • chiefrudiger

    Regarding a portfolio of shared hobbies. These might include gardening (to reduce future maintenance required in garden, freeing up more time to hobby), some kind of decorative diy (project 2 might include fitting out of home office, to better organise domestic paperwork and therefore free up space to display armies and hobby on same shelves) or kitchen upgrade (to include kitchen island capable of supporting 4*6′ board and allowing access to all 4 sides). Strategy of the indirect approach, another British invention.

    • lol. I like how you think chiefrudiger

    • Severius_Tolluck

      Guilty of that, although Not British here lol. No wonder you guys had a thing for Eldar in the 90’s eh? (lore wise anyways)

  • Lord Elpus

    Rola D6, on a 4+ you carry on as you were as she’ll still love you anyway.. On a 1, you end up living alone.

    • By curbing my habits, I think I’m making it twin-linked. 😀

  • Hendrik Booraem VI

    First off, you’re really blessed to have a wife who’s as understanding of your hobby as she is.

    Secondly, you’re smart not to try to drag her into prepping for the con, which I’m sure someone will suggest.

    Thirdly, you really need to get those parasites of yours playing WH40K with you, because explaining tactics to a 14-year-old is really fun. When you see the light go on, it’s a real moment of triumph.

    Finally, you’re doing the smart thing. WH40K has been in my life longer than my wife, but it doesn’t make me as happy as she does. We’ll be married 20 years next week, and we have six kids, and the way that works is, sometimes you take a step back from what you want in order to make sure that you succeed together. In my guard unit, when we have PT runs, we make sure the whole platoon finishes together – because we’re a team. Marriage is like that too.

    • #1. Thank you, you’re absolutely right.
      #2. I think that would have made things much worse, much quicker.
      #3. My oldest is 7, so wargaming is a bit of a stretch right now. My 7 & 5 year olds play aos with me and a dumbed-down 40k. We do have a blast. Even the 3 year old loves to paint models. So I’m working on it. 😉
      #4. I think you’re right. And I have an addictive nature (why we don’t keep soda in the house) so I go full-bore into anything I like. I think it’s good to take a step back and get some perspective.

    • Primarch Vulkan

      Jesus dude…six kids…are you nuts?

      • No, probably just catholic. 😀 I am just a fertile non-catholic.

        • SupPupPup

          Yeah, you can’t really expect to do be having so much Warhammer with 6 kids.

          They have to come first.

          • Muninwing

            unless you sell the one you like the least for a Warlord Titan…

          • They don’t go for THAT much on the open market Muninwing.

          • Muninwing

            i suppose it depends on the market? and what options you choose for weapon arms?

          • SupPupPup

            But then you have to wash and feed the titan, then send it to school. And you know your titans going to have problems with bullying.

            And then he might get mixed up with the Kingdom Death lot, and god knows where that will end up.

      • Lord Elpus

        Maybe they’re trying for a soccer team..

  • Malevengion

    You’re courteous. I’m recently married myself and we’re still hammering out the dynamics. The only advice I can offer is that it’s far easier to get time for gaming if the non-gaming time you spend together is quality time. That’s what I’m trying now and it seems that the “leash” is getting longer (or at least I’m not getting as many texts when I’m out 🙂 ) Also, encourage her to take up a hobby of her own too, that helped a lot.

    • I thank you for chiming in malevengion. Since I’ve stopped hobbying infront her, we have been talking for at least an hour a night on the couch after the kids go to bed and it has been great. We have always talked, but it’s been years since we’ve talked for at least an hour every night.

      • Malevengion

        You’re welcome, for what it’s worth. I can understand complicated rules and form tactics with the best of them but, when it comes to understanding my spouse, I freely admit that it’s a whole new game. One complete with daily FAQs, new editions, and codex creep 🙂

        • LOL!

        • Damistar

          That’s only if you’re even playing the same game. Oftentimes you’re not even aware you’re playing 🙂

  • Primarch Vulkan

    This is something all fathers go through at some point whatever their hobby is. I think its a natural and good idea to compromise. Whether it is reducing the number of nights you do 40k or whatever, you have to find middle ground. I have 2 children with busy schedules and I we compromised on 1 night a week. Sometimes life gets too busy and I have to skip a week. I used to do more tournaments but now I only do a couple a year. A family takes focus and time.

    I have gaming friends that have been divorced or have put serious strain on their relationship due to their need to game multiple nights a week while the wife does the care taking.

    This is not the 50’s anymore. The men pitch in with the child rearing. We don’t just work and then head to the bar and join the fellas every night. Kids have way more demanding schedules than I ever had growing up. Sometimes I think that’s a bad idea.

    Whether or not you are whipped is purely point of view but I would not say you are whipped based on what you wrote here. You are simply adjusting to family life. It can be painful for sure. Id love nothing more than to game 3 or 4 nights a week but that’s simply not fair to the wife.

    • Thanks Primarch. part of me (the old single-guy side I guess) still feels a bit whipped for having to adjust what i love for someone else. But then the adult side of me smacks that side and says “grow up”. Luckily the adult is in control nowadays. 😀 Very good advice, I appreciate you chiming in. You seem to get where I’m coming from.

  • This is something that annoys me to no end. I definitely think if you’re in a relationship or married that you need to be considerate to your spouse, but oh my… the number of guys that have their wife force them to sell all their stuff and get out of the hobby for whatever reason (real men don’t play with dolls, thats embarrassing, i don’t like when you don’t spend time with me, what you think that you are allowed once a night to game while i’m here with the kids? HAHAHA).

    If you have a wife that is kind enough to not bust your balls about your hobby and lets you have reasonable time to play consider yourself lucky. In my experience that is a very rare thing to find.

    Most women when they see my house and collection of “thats not what real men should be doing” stuff hit the door. The ones that try to tell me how to spend my money hit the door as well. Its hard, and I guess depends on your priorities.

    My priority is that I enjoy spending time with my friends once in a while and I like my hobbies, which blow off stress and let me enjoy life, so when I see someone get wifed on a constant basis and never allowed to game anymore, it is something that I am thankful that I do not have to go through.

    I’ll choose to be alone before I choose to let someone control what I can and cannot do. I stopped living at home with my mom a long time ago.

    • You share the idea I always had when I was single. When we first got married, she said something like, “You know, you’re not going to have friends over all the time anymore.” I, being my old self, said, “It’s my house too. I’ll have anybody over when I want.” Since then she has understood that and politely asks me to do or not do things. Then I oblige. The whole “you get more with sugar than sh~t” phrase comes to mind. But now that I’m older, I respect our relationship more, and want to meet half-way. I think you have the right idea as a single guy. Women can be just as controlling as men in a relationship. Ya gotta watch out.
      PS: I had a friend recently get married, and she made him sell his 4 40k armies. Tragic. I’m with you, I won’t live with someone who controls me.

      • Oh so many guys I’ve known the past 20 years that sold their stuff because their wife made them. Its truly a crime.

        • Muninwing

          see, i would not have married my wife if that was her attitude… it’s a bad match.

    • Hawt Dawg

      Like my mantra that I have told my wife untold times…

      I am better off alone rather than being unhappy.

      Too many man-girls out there today with “feelings”.

  • Kreoss4u

    Using the term “whipped” (and I think we all know it is a shortened form of “p****y whipped”) seems counter productive in light of the problem you are exploring/trying to resolve. Employing that term takes what sounds like her legitimate and reasonable concerns and reduces them to gender stereotypes, diminishing her perspective on the problem. In addition, coming to the internet seeking confirmation that you are not whipped hints at a rather fragile sense of masculinity.

    • SupPupPup

      Aye. Agree there.

    • Lol. If you look at it from my point of view, I only have like 6 words max for a headline to get my point across. Any longer than that and it doesn’t all show up in the feed. It is a well-known term and I have to use it for brevity . If you also look at it from my point of view, I write articles every week on the topic of 40k and try to write about topics that will engage the readers and start a conversation. By my asking if I’m whipped, I’m starting a conversation, not asking for your approval. If I haven’t developed steel-hard skin after almost 3 years on BoLS, then I’m doing it wrong. 😀
      While I agree with you that that choice of word may have hampered the initial view of what my article was about, I think most people saw what i was getting at if they read the whole thing. My wife read this article and thought it was a fair representation of what went on.

      • Kreoss4u

        Nonetheless, you tapped into a specific form of gendered discourse that is generally harmful to women.

        • I understand what you’re saying. I don’t think I put her in a negative light.

        • Muninwing

          except it was done within a construct.

          acknowledging that something exists is not being part of the problem.

          he had a legitimate question, arising from his place within the social construct. he then discussed the problem in fair and accurate terms. he also did a good job setting the stage for the actual conflict — that this is an expectation, issue, or common phrasing that is a concern for someone who has traditionally be within the system form which he is speaking.

          he is not a henpecked Water Mitty, dreaming of escape. He is not a beaten man, struggling to find time to read in a bank-vault because his wife blacks out the lines of his books (and who doesn’t mourn her after he is the sole survivor of nuclear war, but does mourn his glasses).

          he is a man trying to pose a question important to him and his greater understanding of the situation, to a wider audience.

          • Wow. Well-put good sir. I think that’s the difference between someone who actually read my article versus someone who reads the title and is offended.

          • Muninwing

            don’t get me wrong — i’d be the first in line to call you out if you were being a twit over this. and in my experience, people who complain about “pc language” are usually just butthort about nobody wanting to hear their racist jokes anymore.

            but there’s two sides. and there’s context. it’s part of being a member of an adult society instead of a whining child. you need to actually read the article if you want to comment on it.

        • cudgel

          Reality is harmful

      • Commissar Molotov

        You used the correct word. All of us knew exactly what sort of behavior you were alluding to.

  • Justin Pettett

    I live in GA, but I’d be willing to help with the con. I’m also a commission painter and terrain maker/modeler. You can email me at jlp32782@hotmail.com if you’re interested.

    • That’s nice of you Justin! much appreciated. i will keep the email.

    • PM’d

  • Xodis

    I took a break when the new baby popped out, and it pretty much changed the paradigm, but soon ill be looking to jump back in and deal with those waves lol. Luckily my wife and I have quite a few hobbies we share together, and she has a few that are hers alone. Everything in moderation is the only advice I can give lol.

  • SupPupPup

    Wait. Does using the word feminist need mod approval?

    Edit: Its Click B8

    Ha ha ha BolS, you really suck sometimes.

    Just own up to it, its nothing to be ashamed of.

    • Huh?

      • SupPupPup

        Cant use the word Clickb8 Without having it checked by a moderator.

        You however can call me homophobic slurs just fine on here.

        Which is suitably ironic coming from a site that uses it so often, and on occasion says it doesn’t use it.

        • Hmm. I don’t know. i don’t have any control over any of that. i just try to avoid bad words in the comments.

          • SupPupPup

            Yeah, you are one of the best content creators on here.

            Im always happy to read your articles.

            Just a general complaint. (I’ve also been banned for discussing the overuse of clickb8 before)

          • Well thanks! I appreciate that you read my stuff. I didn’t take offense to what you said. But I have been accused by other people in the past of deleting their comments because “I didn’t agree with them”. 😀 I don’t have any permissions to control comments.

  • flyingtam

    I think I may have seen it all now on BoLS. Marital argument makes author question his hobby of little plastic toy soldiers, and he writes an entire BoLS article about it. Good luck with your marriage when 8th Edition drops! I can’t believe this is even an article here. I don’t want to read about your marital problems, and the thin, tenuous line you somehow connect it back to Warhammer. You need to talk to a marriage councilor, not write an article on a wargamming hobby website about your marital problems.

    • Haha. And yet, you’re here. Reading and commenting. Just as I wanted.

    • Drew

      I think you’ve missed the point. This is a really well thought out article about the balance of gaming VS rest of life. Not everything can be a rumor followed by eight pages of nerdrage comments about how X, Y, and Z in the gaming world stink.

      If you don’t want to read it, don’t, but to say it has no place is like me saying BOLS should stop posting podcast links because I don’t watch them.

      Also, you have a lot of of nerve telling someone you’ve never met to go see a marriage counselor. Geez.

      As for you, Pimpcron…you keep doing your thing, man. =)

      • Aw shucks Drew! Thanks for the kind words. I got the feeling they may have been looking for a fight.

    • Muninwing

      maybe you’ll understand after you grow up a bit…?

  • Davis Centis

    You’re a good spouse. It’s a-okay to be whipped, but that’s not what’s going on here. She’s respecting your interesting by asking, not demanding. And let’s be honest, if she demanded it, you’d acquiesce anyways.

    I too am “whipped”, and you know what? That’s a good thing. Thank the flying spaghetti monster that we are so lucky to find someone understanding enough to try and make things work with us!

    • TRUTH. Good partners are hard to find.

  • I didn’t read the article, but yes. Yes I am. Ever Inquisition release proves it.

  • Muninwing

    i started playing/painting a lot more when i worked as a redshirt, a decade ago. that coincided with my wife and i getting together. as it was my second job, she sometimes had to come in with me just to see me. as a result, she started painting some models of her own. no interest in playing, but she’s an artist herself.

    and in that, i know i am lucky.

    i have little time now. we bought a house. we have a 3-year-old. i’m most of the way through a masters degree. extra time is a premium. but even if it wasn’t, i’d rather netflix a movie with her, or play trains with the boy, or join a tabletop rpg with her than hobby stuff on my own.

    we’re that annoying couple. we do a lot of things together, though we also give each other time for our own interests. still, we enjoy each other’s company and we don’t react negatively to the other’s presence. i joke that i both “like and love my wife,” meaning that most of the jokes about marriage being terrible are inapplicable to us.

    what we’ve done in the past is actually simple. if there’s a big event (a tournament, a con, a meetup) that applies to one of us but not the other, we look at the timing as a unit — we try to give the other the benefit of the time, but also accept that if there are limiting circumstances we won’t push. mutual respect.

    and if one of us wants some time alone, we try to construct that opportunity similarly.

    if she’s had a crazy busy day at work and is fighting off a head cold, i won’t go to the gaming club night and will stay home to help out. but if i just started a project i’m excited about and want to retreat to the hobby room (i’m currently setting up a basement nerdcave), she can find something to do on her own or she can join me to work on her own projects.

    i’ve never been worried about being “whipped” — partially because i’m big on our relationship being about an equality/equity-based balance of power. if i thought she was abusing her end, i’d tell her and i’d dig my heels in. if i felt like i was crossing that line, i know she’d take me down a peg. and we talk — we talk about everything. so we know when there’s a start of a problem and are not hesitant about addressing something we see starting to develop, communication is key.

    but… we also didn’t get married until i was 30. i’d done some time in the poly scene. we’d both had big years-long relationships that evolved into toxic situations, so we both knew what we did not want. and we both came together when we did with the idea that we were sick of anything less than a cooperative balance. so we established this later out of hard-earned experience. it’s easier to start that way than try to lead to it.

    • Very interesting. It sounds like you have a good thing going. You should tell her what you said when you get home tonight. She’ll probably like that. My wife and I are a lot like you guys, but four kids does kind of drag us down socially. We don’t get to go out and do much together anymore due to childcare. But we do genuinely enjoy each other’s company and were friends before we started dating. But as you know, with children spare time gets limited and there are only so many hours in the day. i think that was a big part of this issue. Thanks for chiming in!

      • Muninwing

        one is exhausting enough. four sounds like a punishment.

        and yeah, often the time we want to use to work on our respective projects — which is usually just after the boy goes to bed — ends up being used eating cookies snuggled in bed while netflixing whatever show we’re working on.

        but it’s not a wasted evening. just doesn’t get my Darkangels painted.

  • Nate

    She misses seeing your cold metallic stare and undead grasp. Women like seeing their man and feeling like you value them.

    With all this time away, I’d say you owe her a nice date or vacation. Pamper her for a few days and let her know you care.

    It’s time to get things in balance so you can get back to your regularly scheduled wargaming 😛

  • Emprah

    It all depends on one fateful question.

    How hot is the woman in question and how good she is in the bed!

  • Stonewall

    I have had stacks of white dwarfs on the back of the toilet for more than a decade but that is about all the exposure the wife gets. I have my own hobby room and I keep most of it in there. She too has no hobbies unless you count playing cookie crush (or whatever) and watching Dr Phil (ugg). Now that I regularly get out of the house once a week to play games it is almost better for us. I don’t leave the house for much else so it makes her feel less guilty when she has multiple events a week. Now if only I can trick my two spawn into painting my 20 year back log of models then all will be dandy.

  • eehaze

    Paint with your kids, maybe? Assemble an army together?

    • I first read that as “paint your kids?” which is admittedly not a bad idea. If only they’d stay still.

  • neshta

    My partner and I have things we both enjoy. And we have things that each other love. But I mean, I really enjoy hearing about all the obscure Star Wars stuff she learns about, or some weird twitter interaction she has, and she patiently listens while I gab on about Warhammer stuff.

  • neshta

    Also, Pimpcron, you have the best icon ever!

    • Thanks! I drew it and colored it myself!

      • neshta

        Oh wow! Very impressive =)

  • Richard Mitchell

    I don’t wargame as much as I used too either. I am a dad and have an amazing woman in my life. There is this saying “be careful of the things you own because they may end up owning you”. I do some painting and maybe go to the shop once a month. But I am okay with it because I get my pride from being an involved and attentive father and partner.

    If wargaming is more important to you than a relationship or your kids then make the wise choice and stay single. There are plenty of guys out there who go out on Thursdays and Saturdays and meet company for a night.

    Even the whole concept of your partner wanting you to be her slave or friends who get harassed by their partners is so strange to me. I was very upfront with myself when I was dating and I take great pride in being a dad and a strong man, not a wargamer. If your girl is bugging you, have a serious conversation with her to see if you are there enough to meet the needs of your relationship or dump her. There is no grey space here. If you got married to a woman who actually wants you to spend time with her, put some blame on your direction, if she was needy you could have left her but you decided to start a family instead. So own up to that.

    Stop seeing your family as your obstacle to prepping and painting toy soldiers. I love wargaming too, but when we are honest with ourselves (which is the most masculine thing you can do) that is what it is.

    • I appreciate you chiming in, but i can’t help but feel that either you didn’t read the whole article, or maybe I didn’t explain it correctly. I really enjoy my wife, and kids. But I also enjoy wargaming. And when I piled my preparation for my 1st-year convention on top of that, it became too much for her. She isn’t very needy at all, and my family isn’t at all an obstacle. She was just letting me know it had become too much for her.

  • Andrew O’Brien

    For me, there are things I am not willing to compromise and things I am willing to compromise. Being whipped is being convinced to compromise those aspects of my life I defined as not willing to compromise. And I only notice the results after I hold it against her for “making” me compromise even though in reality I chose to.

    From what I read, you are not compromising your core values, you are just giving up aspects that aren’t truly important (the lazy parts). No whipping here.

  • memitchell

    The first step in Denial is not admitting you have a problem.

  • Shawn

    You are being a good spouse. Compromise, something that Congress can’t fathom, let alone accomplish, is the meat and bread of a relationship. You’ve done good, I think. I see no reason why you could still do what you do hobby-wise, just recognize that you have to have family time and you time and juggle equal time between the two. I also commend your wife for putting up/dealing with your hobby. If I could find a girlfriend like that life would be perfect.

    • Thanks Shawn. I get too focused on one thing sometimes, she let me know. Now everything is good again. And don’t worry, you’ll find someone out there who let’s you be free to do what you want to do. The important thing is to find someone who respects you and someone who you can enjoy being around. My wife and I were friends before we even started dating. We’re still friends to this day. 😀

  • Jay Mort

    If you put this much concern in a vain throw-away accusation your wife made simply to shame you so she could win an argument in the moment…

    Yes… Yes you are whipped.

    Your wife is not a man. Do not expect her to argue or think like one.

    A woman’s primary weapons in arguments is shame and derision. This is why we have all of the -ists, isms, and -phobes going around today. They will not rely upon facts, nor will they confine the argument to the actual subject at hand. They will continue to bring up anything they can to humiliate you so they can ‘win’.

    I would lay money, your wife was NOT angry at your hobby. I would even go so far as to say she wasn’t even angry at you. Something made her angry and she wanted to vent. Someone cut her off in the road, somebody else got the last Kirby for the kiddies, or she missed out on a deal she really wanted; who knows. The point is: She didn’t care who was actually right, as long as it was her. She would have used anything she thought would cause you shame, to attack with. It just so happened you are a wargamer.

    It’s up to you to decide whether you’re going to move more to the yes-dear husband, forever acquiescing to every off-hand notion or comment your wife makes because your afraid she’ll leave you because you don’t make her your sole reason for existence; or be the man who does his hobbies as he likes while taking care of business (in this case your family).

    Once you start giving in, however, you’ll never be able to stop.

    • Thank you for chiming in. But we are partners in this, it can’t all be what I want, and my hobby and con prep was taking up most of my time. So she didn’t make it up.

  • If you were smoking crack rocks, maybe it would be ok to “limit her exposure”.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iHT-xeU1LEk