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Ten Tournament Players That Really Grind My Gears

3 Minute Read
May 27 2011
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Ten Tournament Players That Really Grind My Gears
1.      The Voodoo Roller
These guys have dice rolling “techniques” which border on grounds for OCD diagnosis.  I’ve seen people who when trying to get high numbers on the dice, will roll a mess of dice, pick out the ones and twos, and then roll those dice for the actual roll.  When questioned, the same player says something like: “Oh, that’s just statistics. Trust me, I’m an economics major.”  Yep, that explains the worst depression in 70 years.
2.      “Waaagh!!!!!”
Seriously, shut up.  You know who you are.  It’s not funny.

3.      The Snowflake
This guy runs Thunderwolf Cav Space Wolves, and you beat him with your Leafblower/Longfang/Razor spam.  At the end of the game he makes the remark “I’ve seen a lot of guys here running the list you have.  I tried something different.”  No, you tried Thunder Cav.
4.      The Incredulous Statistician
     
This guy will be acting fine when he is winning, but as soon as he starts to lose even normal statistical deviation goes against him.  This guy will roll his 10 attacks on a 4+, get four hits and then say “So unlucky.  It’s been like this all game.”
5.      The Gotcha! Guy
He plays the newest codex.  The one that’s been out for a couple weeks.  You ask a bunch of questions about one of his units you plan to assault regarding Strength, Toughness, Initiative, Attacks, and if they have any special rules in assault.  You think your unit can take them and you assault.  Wait, what? Toughness 3?  Rad Grenades?  Surely that’s a special rule that makes them better in assault? Oh it’s wargear?  Do you wanna just say “Gotcha!” right now?
6.      The Selective Amnesiac
This guy plays fast and loose.  His recall of rules which benefit him is phenomenal.  His recall of rules which hurt his army is less so.  This is usually an Ork player, as the army has a lot of rules which are a disadvantage.  Did you know that Orks who roll a “1” on their Waagh run roll have to remove a model?  No one seems to know. Especially the Ork players.
7.      The Billy Bob Thornton Interview
This guy has an attitude as soon as he steps up to the table.  Impatient, abrasive, sociopathic.  Before the armies are set up, it’s immediately apparent that it’s gonna be one of “those” games.  Most of the time, he is a bad player.  The rest of the time, it’s Darkwynn.
8.      The Second Best Reason More Tournaments Should be in Bars
Unfortunately most baby sitters cost more money than a tournament entrance fee which leads to game stores hosting children.  If you are a parent, and have decided that your kid doesn’t get picked on enough by the football team, you can always drop him off to learn social skills from an arrogant lush who plays with plastic toy men.
9.      Charles Bukowskihammer
This guy shows up and smells like vanilla stoli.  You continually remind him that when he rolls a 6 that it is, in all honesty, a 6 despite the fact that he sees 12 pips.  He is either hung over or still drunk from the night before, or in the nightmarish limbo which separates these states… This one is hitting close to home, so I will move on.
10.  The Game I Had Last Week But Didn’t Get Best Overall Because You Dinged My Sportsmanship After a Perfectly Normal Game of You Getting Beat by Your Own Overconfidence
This player starts out innocently.  He remarks about how he has never seen a Sisters Army, let alone played one.  In response I hand him my codex, and direct him to the Acts of Faith information while I set up.  He comments about how it must be hard to play a 3rd ed codex and have a fluffy list.  His nostrils flare, almost imperceptibly, with the scent of blood.  His pupils dilate, he thinks himself the predator and I the prey.  On turn four the raptor-like posturing has given way to disbelief.  He thinks “Wow.  3+ invulnerable?  And now he’s putting that thing…into there? Please, please, please make it stop”.  Dice down.  We Shake.  He affords me the same smile he reserves for being photographed at a time when he is miserable.  We initial each others score cards.  I note his is heavy with the scent of betrayal.  After noting sportsmanship scores he is jubilant as his dire plan comes to fruition.
Note: All pronouns are male since I have never encountered a female gamer who grinds my gears.

So, who have you encountered during your tourney travels?
-Paintraina

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