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Pimpcron: 40k Lore Badly Explained

5 Minute Read
Sep 8 2017
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Pimpcron’s got you covered for your next fluff argument.

Hello! Or [beep] if you speak Necron. Today I have a good topic for you non-fluff types. Ever get sick of hearing these stupid fluff players go on and on about this stupid thing or that dumb person in the 40k lore? If you’re like me, this just leads to confused anger, the most dangerous type of anger. I usually pick up a rulebook and just start wailing on them until my arm hurts, then I come home and write an article. I find it’s good to use real-world fuel for my constant negativity-driven articles.

I’m No Book Learner

This may come as no surprise to some of you judging by my articles, but I am functionally illiterate. My whole family is, and it is a rich and important tradition for us. So when researching the backstory of 40k, I just watched about 9 hours of Youtube for anything that had any combination of 4, 0 and k. I then mentally digested it and now I will tell you the amazing history of 40k.

So it starts with this little ship being attacked by a larger one …

In The Beginning

So the whole game is set in a time where the Emporium of Mankind is spread all over the galaxy with these super mutant soldiers called Space Marines. But things kind of suck because they forgot like, to back up their files on how to make stuff. So while the higher ups can only shake their head and say things like “My bad dawg” the rest of the people have to look for old technology to use. They really should have had some sort of cloud service. Anyway, the leader is actually kind of dead. His name is “The Emperor” and he just sits on this chair while people take care of him. He actually used to be quite baller, back in his youth. Everyone seems to call him by his last name, which to me is weird. So I will call him by his first name.

A Leader Emerged

So humanity’s leader, The, came from a time when all of the Humans on Earth were all mad and fighting each other; probably a soccer riot that got out of control. It was a never-ending soccer riot that just rolled around the globe like the hurricane on Jupiter. Since he was so tall, and tall people command respect he just stood up and said, “I am now in charge of this place, stop that noise.” But idle hands are the devil’s playground and now that everyone was chill, he started having all of these kids.He claimed to have a latex allergy and suddenly like all of these giant children showed up.

Just look at him in all his splendor.

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Names like Alphalfa Omergerd, Horse, Sangria, Robot Gigglyman, Lemon Rouge, and Magnet the Red have all become household names. So all was going well until some stuff happened and then Horse started talking smack. It was called the Horse’ Hearsay where he would text and tweet all of this nasty stuff to the other giant kids and some of them would believe it. Horse would say stuff like Lemon Rouge pees on hydrants, or that their dad, The, was totally not cool. Plus Magnet started going through this emo phase and dabbling in magic. Kids man, ya know?

Anyway everything came to a head when…

The found out Horse had been talking smack and texted, “Dude, that hearsay is messed up”. Well Horse ran to dad’s room and tried to attack him but Sangria got in the way and died. Then dad got the belt and learnt Horse a lesson.

Unfortunately The pulled a muscle or two in his back giving Horse a beating so he’s kind of resting/dead in his armchair. Oh, and he totally killed his kid. I’m no expert on law, but I’d wager that The thinks that if he pretends to sleep long enough, the statute of limitations on his crime will protect him from prosecution. If I were him, I’d just buy a really small Lighting Claw and pretend really hard in court to put it on, and when I can’t they’d just acquit me.

So stuff was pretty crap for a long while (at least a year) then they woke Gigglyman and he was all like “Hey did dad buy any Pizza Bites?” and his nerd friend Crawl had to get him focused on cleaning up the house and getting his brothers in order. Also, in the time Gigglyman was asleep Crawl did his homework for him and learnt how to produce other Space Marines, kind of big but not too big, ya know?

But they don’t have legs, just torsos.

Ummmm, I’m trying to remember more but …

There are other races in the galaxy, regardless of what the fake news says. Towels, Tyranoms, Not-elves, Dark Not-elves, Green skins, and of course Necrons. But I think it was at this point that things started to deviate a bit off course of what I was researching. I read about how 40,000 minks were released from a pelt ranch by burglars. Oh, and the DOW might be at 40,000 in a couple years. And something about a tractor trailer carrying 40,000 lbs of bananas rolled over on I-95. But I’m not sure if any of that was really related or not. Probably the bananas.

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