We didn’t get to finish out chat yesterday about your army…let’s talk.
Oh you didn’t think we forgot about YOUR army did you? Every army has SOMETHING that drives players crazy and you’re army is not the exception. Check out Part I HERE. Let’s dive in!
It’s a good thing your Smite is shorter than everyone else because otherwise you’d be the worst Smite Spam offender on the planet. And unlike those pesky Brimstone Horrors, you guys actually do OTHER things on your turn. Like shoot. And hit hard in Melee. Grey Knights, you’re terrible to play against because we all still have memories of 5th edition and we still hate you for it.
Space Marines (Non-Ultramarine Chapters)
We’re not going to actually bother to break you all down into different chapters and rant about you individually. We’re lumping all of you Power Armor wearing, Bolter shooting, Chainsword swinging, GMO having jerks into one big pile. (Yes, Space Wolves – your flea-ridden furs are going to have to stand next to your favorite traitors the Dark Angels for this one. Even you Pretty-boy wanna be Space Vampires are lumped in here.)
You’re all BORING. What’s it like to only need to remember “I need a 3+” for all game? We’re so happy you got some new Primaris Marines to play with now – how DO they get around the galaxy anyways? Do they load-up into Repulsors and just deepstrike from Orbit? You don’t even like them! How do we know? You won’t even let them ride in the same transports as you. It’s cute that you think you have “Special Rules” that make you a different flavor besides “Vanilla” – but it doesn’t. You’re all a different shade of BLAH.
Thousand Sons? More like Magnus and the Thousand Brimstones. Do you even Rubric?! You got so many new models and all you bring are Brimstones! If our armies got an entirely new line of miniatures you can be we’d all be playing with those. But you…you’re like the kid that gets an awesome toy for Christmas but would rather play with the refrigerator box. Your army is like those joke candles that re-lit after you blow them out. Here’s the thing – NO ONE LIKES THOSE CANDLES. The only one laughing is YOU. Stop using those! Do you know how big of a fire hazard those are!?
If there was any army that could be more cheaty than Aeldari, its the Ynnari – but of course they are! Your army is a mix of all the cheaty-Eldar tricks AND Dark Eldar tricks mixed in with some colorful sprinkles known as Harlequins. No other army breaks the game order as much as YOU do and it’s not just annoying, it’s confusing. Will all your interrupt moves how are we supposed to keep the turn order straight? We kill one unit and suddenly you’re all “I’m moving/attacking/shooting” and this this dies and then you do it all again?! NO! You stop with the out of sequence play, good sir. I say Good DAY!
Oh joy – it’s the Space Robot Skeletons who don’t stay dead! You’re basically Space Marines without skin – you know that, right? You’re Terminator knock offs and that franchise has been dead since August 29, 1997. How many times are you going to make the stupid “We’ll Be Back” joke with your terrible Arnold impression? Sometimes we wish you just bury yourself back on your Tomb Worlds and take a nap again because playing against you is putting us back to sleep.
Let me get this straight, you can pretty much ambush with any unit in your army and you have a bunch of Characters that toss buff auras out that can make your pesky guys super-human? On top of that non-sense, you can also form some unholy Voltron-like alliance between Tyranids and Astra Militarum?! What kind of junk is that? No one needs to play against Flyrants AND Leman Russ Tanks in the same list.
Look, we know you have a think for Manga-inspired stuff. But c’mon man. Playing against your gunline is like watching paint dry. All you do is roll dice and then we pick-up models. Can you at least try something other than Riptides and Stormsurges? What’s that? You don’t own anything else? No, you’ve got a point – why WOULD you buy anything else. The dream of a Kroot Merc army will just have to go on the back-burner…again.
You’re army is terrible because nobody knows what you even do. We haven’t seen you on the table sense Venoms were cool. Honestly, we thought your line got cancelled but then the Ynnari showed up and ironically breathed some new life into you.
Sisters of Battle
You get a TRIO of plastic models (finally) and suddenly that’s pretty much all you bring now. Stop it with the Celestine. She’s the worst to have to deal with. And you pretty much have to kill her twice per game. “Living Miracle” – pfft, more like a recurring nightmare. Plus, you KNOW as soon as you get a new Codex the next edition will be out within weeks. She’s the true Harbinger of the End-Times! Oh and your “Acts of Faith” should be renamed “How to Cheat, Legally.”
That’s all we’ve got for why YOUR army is terrible. If your army didn’t make it on our two part series – too bad. It’s so terrible we didn’t even want to mention it…or something.