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Pimpcron: Slaanesh Needs To Diversify

5 Minute Read
Sep 7 2018
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Pimpcron is calling out his favorite Chaos God in front of everyone.

Hey people, the robot writer who needs no introduction is here. Pimpcron. The name’s Pimpcron in case there was a need for introduction.

There has always been something that bothered me about Slaanesh models. It seems that sex is all they are excessive about. I’m not sure where the crab claws fits into that equation, but you know what I mean. We’ve got a flippin’ god of excess and all we can think of is sex, and corsets? Here’s my ideas for new Slaanesh Models which are more diverse and creative than just sexy-time.

crab claws – WHY?

Get Me a Hedonism-Bot

I need some over-eating Slaanesh models. I need some really grotesquely obese monsters holding a soda cup from Taco Bell in one hand and a grocery bag full of nachos in the other. You could give them a markerlight- type buff called Cheetos Fingers where once they get into combat and touch a unit, for the rest of the game any Slaanesh units trying to assault them get to re-roll charges. They would be driven crazy by the “Mark of the Cheeto”. I also want Slaanesh abilities that swallow models whole like the Haruspex. You could have a Herald called the Candyman who drops candies on the ground and buffs his units nearby. The only draw back? These models can’t advance (run) because they’d be too winded. Nurgle can’t be the only fat guy in town, Slaanesh needs some too.

Image result for hedonism bot

Meet your new Daemon Engine?

I Want Things To Get Weird

Okay, now bear with me. Picture a unit of infantry that just wears too many coats. Like five to seven coats per model and they look like Maggie Simpson’s winter outfit. These things need no armor save but like 5 wounds a piece. All of these layers of coats stop lasgun fire in its tracks. People would look at those models with a chuckle and say something like, “Cold much?” Then we’d all laugh at that very funny joke. But why stop at too many coats? One unit could be people who had too many scoops of ice cream on their cone and are trying to balance it. I feel like they could throw the scoops or something, 12” Strength 1 AP-  1Damage.

How about a guy at a desk comedically trying to answer too many phones? He could issue orders like Imperial Guard and relay messages. As long as excess is the established theme, go all crazy with it. The sky is the limit and you can finally cover up those daemonettes and their chilly attire. Oh! Oh! I got another one. How about a Dog Walker that acts as a cavalry unit because all of the dogs are pulling her along too fast! Everyone will laugh and say, “Well now, that’s just too many dogs!”

Image result for walking too many dogs

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Come to think of it, a God of Excess is kind of a strange theme. I mean, Change, Plague, and Wrath are all pretty standard but Excess? Hmmm. Let’s dip back into my brain for more unit ideas. Since I know you’re listening GW, these are all free to use because I’m a team player.

I Think I Can Get Weirder Than That

Too much of something? I want a human centipede model because that’s just too much gross for one model. How about a Cat Lady unit kind of like a Beast Master for Dark Eldar and she runs with a bunch of swarms of cats? That would be sweet, and she’d have a Cat Pee Smell rule where she stinks so bad she always strikes first in combat. What if you had a drunk unit that is really good in combat and at dancing but moves D6 inches and on the roll of a 1 they fall over passed out and pee themselves. Remove that unit from play for the rest of the game.

Image result for passed out drunk stock photo

I don’t really like any of these ideas. Maybe this is why GeeDubs hasn’t made any new models for Slaanesh in several years and they tend to stick to the all-corsets-all-the-time theme. Excess is a just kind of a funky theme to be honest. After being a Slaanesh fan for all of these years I’ve kind of talked myself out of liking the Dark Prince now. Realistically I guess you could do units that are all about sensory input in the theme of Dark Eldar. Flayed models with exposed muscles, or models with spikes running through their arms and torso because of the pain. But to me that doesn’t exactly scream excess.

Okay, serious brain-storm: Can you people think of any cool new units that they could add for Slaanesh that fit the excess theme?

~Give Us All Your Ideas

 

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