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Pimpcron’s Guide to Isolation

5 Minute Read
Mar 21 2020
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This is a public service announcement from your friendly neighborhood robot.

Hey everyone! As a precaution, please only read this article while wearing CDC approved reading glasses or a face shield. Gotta take every precaution, right? I have stretched a prophylactic over my laptop, so I think I’m in the clear.

So you’re sitting at home, wondering what to with yourself during this strange, strange time we live in. I have a list of all mostly-legal suggestions for you to pass the time and keep the shreds left of your sanity.

Paint Models

This is a no-brainer, work on your backlog bruh. Let’s move on.

Try Solo Gaming

I have been playing with myself for decades now, and sometimes it even involves miniatures. Solo gaming is a weird thing for many of you, and you may not know how to go about doing it. Well, my supplement book has A.I. rules [cough] [cough].

Oh! I’m so sorry. Don’t leave! No, I’m clean! I’m clean!

That was an awkward kind of cough that means “oops my book is relevant to mention again in an article but I feel guilty for bringing it up because I don’t want to constantly whore it out” kind of cough. Not the “I’m the reason why everything is closed” sort of cough. Totally not sick here, don’t click out of your browser!

Anyway, if you don’t want to buy a narrative book, then you can always do what all of us solo wargamers have done: play both sides and try to out-smart yourself. Here’s a few tips:

  • It really does help to walk from one side to the other when playing different sides, changes your perspective.
  • Play both sides as best as you can.
  • Choose one side you want to be “your team”
  • Choose or roll on this chart to give you’re A.I. enemy an edge before the first game turn. The benefit applies the entire game.
  1. A.I. gets +1 Save
  2. A.I. re-rolls hits in Melee
  3. A.I. does not take Morale checks
  4. A.I. gets +1 Attack in their stat line
  5. A.I. shooting is an extra AP
  6. A.I. gets 30% more points in their list

Hopefully that helps someone. Makes it fun. Honestly, at the end of my book there something called Scenario Mode which is PERFECT for small to medium solo games versus A.I. where the enemy is right up in your grill from the get-go. Anyway, enough of that.

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Fight Your Pets

Get a Nerf gun and shoot threaten your pets with it. It’s great fun. Ya know what? In these times, you really shouldn’t burn bridges so maybe be nice to the only creatures that can legally be near you right now. Snuggle with them instead and just verbally threaten them. You should hear the trash I talk to my aquarium snails, but I send them to therapy each week, so I’m not being irresponsible about it.

Ooh! Even better! Buy them cute outfits and LARP with them!

Play With Yourself Online

No, close your Omegle browser window, you’ve got problems. I mean that there are a ton of great Warhammer games to scratch that itch and storefronts like Steam are great for. The game that most closely replicates the tabletop experience is Sanctus Reach for PC. The gameplay is just slightly different than the IRL game, but overall it is a fantastic game with a neat campaign mode and 3 DLC expansions. It is the closest and most legal way to play 40k while home alone.

Here is list of GW games to play while stuck at home:

What a great game! Though the computer cheats, you’ve been warned.

Games Workshop Video Games

I know for a fact that their Talisman game is really fun, as well as the Blood Bowl game and Mordheim game.

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Oops. This is just a photo of a Toilet Paper Shortage brawl. Blood Bowl looks similar to this.

Open Up A Chat

Are you missing your friends that you normally hang with? Why not grab some of your best buddies and create a Facebook group chat, or Discord chat, or some other sort of thing. I can be nice just to talk to someone else for a while about the hobby or games. Some friends will open up a Discord Hobby chat where they all hobby privately but they can talk while they do it.

Watch Battle Reports!

I’m sure many of you do this so I won’t dwell on it, but check out Youtube for battle reports that will help you play vicariously through others!

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry! You’re fine, don’t tell mom! You’re fine, it’s barely even bleeding!”

Listen to Podcasts!

Of course there is always the best Warhammer Podcast, the Pimpcron Warhammer Podcast that releases episodes every Monday morning. But believe it or not, there are TONS and TONS of other wargaming podcasts that cover everything from lore, to tactics, to interviews, and everything in between. Grab your current project, plug in, and tune out with a good podcast.

All joking aside, I hope you all stay safe and wash those hands! Being an ancient metallic alien horror, I’m immune to this silly virus but I do worry about you flesh bags.

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What Have You Been Doing To Pass The Time?

Hey! This article is brought to you by my top-tier Patreon supporter Mike Cowley!

Thanks Michael, smooches!

We’re on Podbean, Stitcher, iTunes, Spotify, and others!

Pimpcron’s Narrative Wargaming Supplement

Or contact me at [email protected] for the latest rules if you don’t do the Facebooks.

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