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Five Things To Try Before You Decide To Sic The Pinkertons On Someone

4 Minute Read
Apr 25 2023
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Look, we’ve all been there. Some random YouTuber got ahold of a product early so now it’s time to hire the Pinkertons. Or IS IT?

It’s a situation that happens waaaaay more often than you’d think. Somehow, through some kind of error or not, someone gets hold of a product that isn’t technically released yet. Obviously the only thing you can do is jump right to hiring a mercenary private security company, known for both their aggressiveness and their union busting and strikebreaking, even as recently as 2021.

But, somehow, that seems…bad? In 2023? I guess it just goes to show how much the world has changed. You can’t even sic Pinkertons on someone without causing your entire customer-base to get in an outrage (except for of course those whose livelihood depends on portraying you in the best possible light) these days. What has the world come to?

Well put your monocle back on, and towel off after swimming in your Scrooge McDuck style money bin, because we’re here to help by suggesting five different things you can try before you jump right to hiring the villains of Red Dead Redemption 2 to intimidate your fans into giving you back your precious cardstock.

Announce That You’re Reprinting Ravnica

Look, everyone wants it. You wouldn’t even have to do it. Just announce that you would at some future point in time and everyone would forget all about March of the Machine: Aftermath by like, tomorrow at best.

Make The Announcement Yourself

Here’s a real world example of how not to hire the Pinkertons, a notorious private security firm, to raid the house of one of your fans. It even happened this year. Heck, it happened just a little over a month ago, when Games Workshop accidentally shipped a new version of a Primaris Commander Dante to one lucky fan who posted an unboxing video on YouTube.


But instead of immediately rushing out to hire mercenaries, Games Workshop took a different approach. Instead, they basically said “well done mate” and announced the new model ahead of schedule. It must seem shocking to anyone whose soul has been ground into a fine powder in the relentless pursuit of profit, but you can… actually just…adjust schedules? Seems big if true.

All we’re saying is, if your corporate practices get compared to Games Workshop’s and they come out looking like actual saints, maybe it’s time to revisit the ol’ corporate policies and procedures document.

Ask Nicely For Them Back

Most people will do things if you ask them nicely. Now, if you’re the person in a company in charge of hiring the antagonists from Deadwood’s final season, it’s understandable that you might be wondering what the words “nicely” and “ask” even mean. But hey, don’t worry, we’ve got you covered.

According to Merriam-Webster, “ask” is a verb, and the meaning you’re looking for here is “to make a request of.” And “nicely” means in a way that’s “pleasing” or “agreeable.” Which is typically a way that doesn’t involve making a YouTuber’s wife cry because the Pinkertons came knocking on the door.


Ask For Them Back At All

You know what, you probably wouldn’t even have had to ask nicely. It might have been just as easy to send a letter requesting that the videos be taken down and the product returned.

Maybe Use That Legal Team You Already Have On Retainer

Okay, we get it. Writing letters is hard. And talking to people is stressful. Nobody likes answering a phone call. And it’s so hard to write an email because as soon as you get past putting in the email address, you’re immediately faced with “how do I start this? Is it hey? Or dear? Do I hope this email finds them well?”

Good news, Wizards of the Coast, you already have a legal department whose job definitely includes sending people letters and notices. Heck, in comparison to hiring the Pinkertons you could probably just have made a copyright strike on YouTube or maybe sent a Cease & Desist letter.

What’s your best go-to strategy before hiring the Pinkertons? Let us know in the comments!


Author: J.R. Zambrano
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