Mr. Black’s Gaming Thoughts- How to Cheat People
What’s the harm in it? I mean, as long as you don’t get caught…
Mr. Black here, hot off the heels of Goatboy and his little Anti-Cheating post found Here. It struck a chord with me, since I am a fair and reasonable person and don’t like seeing one side oppressed by another. Basically I felt that the article was very bias against cheating, to the point were it mentioned nothing positive about it at all, and that’s just not a fair case, it’s like having a prosecutor and executioner yet no defense and/or jury. That being said, here are some common cheating techniques and how to best go about them:
There are tons and tons of different websites marketing their very own loaded dice, but usually they will run anywhere from $3-5 a set and are typically casino style (aka large) dice, which are unsuited for wargaming due to size and the fact they stand out too well. No, for this method you’ll need to get creative.
Now, I have seen many methods of making loaded dice, from Microwaving Them to boiling them in salt water, and I can personally attest that none of these methods work. No, if you want to load your dice you’ll need to do it the ol’ fashioned way, which is to say drill the suckers!
…Pretty simple actually, all you need is a drill and a metal press/gullible friend….
All you’ll need to do is drill out the “1” pip on the selected dice and hammer in a small nail, cut off the tip of said nail then paint it back to resemble the “1” pip. Doing so will weight the one down, thus causing it to land down more often than not. Now just merely mix in those loaded dice with your normal ones and you’re all set to go! **Never use all loaded dice… Rolling 12 sixes is mathematically impossible in one go and people will be on to you!**
Odds of Working: 80%
Odds of Getting Caught: 20%
Red Flag Question: “Hey, those dice look different…”
Red Flag Answer: “No they don’t, mind your own damn business!”
Read the Above
This one no one ever sees coming, but it is a bit specific. Basically the trick here is to have an army all converted up, let’s say for the sake of it you call them something stupid like, I don’t know, Space Llamas or something, you have them so converted up that no one really knows what army they are, all they know is they are Marines. Next step is simple, bring multiple army lists using a variety of armies to the table and switch them out according to what list your opponent is playing. If you’re of the really devious variety then you may even be able to pull the Ol’ Switcheroo a few turns after the game begins, using the placement of the game board to your advantage.
Another version of the Ol’ Switcheroo is the Bayou One-Two method of cheating, in which you replace, say, a Rhino with a Vindicator or Predator or vice-versa via the use of a distraction. This is best achieved with the help of an assistant making a commotion behind your opponent (my personal favorite method is via the use of the small Firework Pop-Rockets you can buy). Warning though, for this to work you absolutely have to play your part- the entire charade hinges on your ability to convince people they are wrong. For this to work the lie must become the truth for you. Pull that off and you’re good to go.
Odds of Working:20-80%, depending on person
Odds of Getting Caught:20-80%, depending on person
Red Flag Question: “Since when were you playing Space Wolves?“
Red Flag Answer: “Shut up. I’ve always played Space Wolves!“
Garden Variety Hypnotism
Now unfortunately most will not be able to pull this one off, as one necessary thing is needed to make it work, and that one thing is big, creepy eyebrows. Yes, unfortunately they are the key to the whole thing working, don’t know much about the science behind it, but I do know that using fake ones will provide no benefit, they have to be natural.
Your basic strategy here begins, as with all things, an education on how best to use your new-found gift. I recommend this: Hypnosis For Beginners. Read that and you will be well on your way to improving your tabletop game!
Now then, once you’ve completed the ever important first step we must transfer that newly discovered knowledge to wargames, and figure out how best to cheat the crap out of people with it. I’ve found that these simple tactics work best, as they don’t arise suspicion from anyone and your opponent will be too enthralled to remember what happened, simply assuming you beat them with a combination of skill and tactical prowess:
1. Force them to drive their vehicles backwards instead of forwards.
2. Uh Oh! Bolter Jam! Roll Armor Saves!
3. Run laps through various Dangerous Terrain. Also… Make them think Open Ground is Dangerous Terrain.
4. If the opponent is proving less than agreeable with your mental domination, then you can break out the “Szzzsssszzszzssszz Maneuver”, as outlined in Chapter IX: Crushing Your Enemies With Your Mind (for those who haven’t gotten that far it basically talks about employing a Total Mind Erase, a side effect being they can’t remember how to play the game and thus get thrown out for Stalling/Slow Play! This has the beneficial side effect of making you look like Good Samaritan, making other cheating attempts easier).
5. If you’re especially good at your craft (aka have some truly impressive eyebrows) then you can simply enthrall the Tournament Judge and be declared winner without even having to bother playing! A good tactic if you have someplace to be!
Odds of Working: 95%
Odds of Getting Caught: 5%
Red Flag Question: “All Hail the Overlord..?“
Red Flag Answer: “All Hail the Overlord!!“ *Intense Gaze*
The Red Paperclip Method
For those who don’t know The Red Paperclip Method gets it’s name from the story of a guy who started with one red paperclip and through a series of trades ended up with a house. This can end up similar to that, except replace Red Paperclip with Nothing and House with New Army. How does it work, you may ask? Let me explain…
Scenario: You’ve tried the Hypnosis, it isn’t taking, you’ve tried the Switcheroo, they didn’t fall for it, you may have even tried bribing (BAD TACTICS!!) and that didn’t work. So what do you do? Well there is one method left, and the benefits extent even beyond the tabletop!
The Set-Up: We all know how hectic combat can get, models moving in for the charge, defender’s reacting, Pile-Ins! Hell, it can get confusing, and as the true tactician knows, some of the best plans can be completed due to confusion by the enemy!
Doing the Deed: Again, simple but you may want to try it out a few times first on your own models/siblings/babies with candy. Basically when you’re removing your casualties from combat “accidentally” (re: totally not accidentally) pick up a few of your opponent’s models, slyly hiding them under your pile of dead ones or better yet in pants pocket, carrying cases, etc. Should your opponent mention them having models missing then quickly point out that you never saw them. If you’re a real pro then you can even develop this into a full Two-Face Flip and accuse your opponent of cheating by trying to add/remove models from the tabletop. I will say I wouldn’t recommend doing this more than once every few events, as it will breed suspicion if it happens too often.
The best part of the Red Paperclip Method is that during a good tourny day you can walk away with an entirely new unit! Granted, it may be composed of two Salamanders, one Longfang, three Chaos Marines, and a Dark Eldar Wych, but just keep at it and eventually you’ll have an entirely new army of your very own! Bonus props if you manage to get the vehicles as well!
Odds of Working: 75%
Odds of Getting Caught: 25%
Red Flag Question: “Hey, I had eight guys in that squad…“
Red Flag Answer: “Dude, you can’t just add guys to a squad on Turn 3. Judge!“
This one is short but sweet and probably requires more prep-time than the other methods, but is worth the payoff.
Basically for this one you’ll want to whip yourself up some flat-disk shaped objective markers, these, made out of Rare Earth Magnets, work great. Paint them green or put your armies logo on them, whatever, just dress them up like normal objective markers. If your opponent brought some to use, insist on using yours, as they’re flat, easy to read, and most importantly fixed.
The next step is where you’re going to prove your dedication to the craft. Now what you’ll need to do is affix the opposite polarity magnet onto the inside of a Rhino. Basically what your working at here is to create a bond strong enough where if the chosen vehicle moves over the objective then it will pull the Objective Magnet onto it’s hull, but loose enough where a light tap (for good luck) of the vehicle on the table will release it. May have to work with placement and strength of your “pulley” magnet but with some SCIENCE I’m sure you can get it working.
I’d hope I wouldn’t have to explain the benefits of being able to move objectives around the board as you wish, but for those who didn’t get it… You can move the objectives around the board as you wish, perhaps even fooling your opponent into forgetting about it until the end of the game, then it’s “Oh my! Look at that! You forgot about that objective my Tactical Squad was parking on! Teehee!!” Just remember if called into question stick to your guns- no one ever got any meaningful cheating done by admitting to it!
Odds of Working: 100% (Who believes you’d honestly go through this effort?)
Odds of Getting Caught: 0%
Red Flag Question: “But I placed that objective over here!“
Red Flag Answer: “And what? You think I rigged a Rhino up with a series of magnets to move the objective around? That’s stupid. Massacre Victory for me!“
Well, I could go on and on about different ways to get the job done, dear readers, I mean we’ve only covered four basic methods and just going off memory I can think of at least ten more (The Reverse-Bribe, The Old Confidence Trick, Three Birds in a Bush, Rhino Shuffle, Vulken Hustle, just to name a few), but I’ll save those for another day. After all, I don’t want to give all my secrets away now do I?