Pimpcron writes a letter to his past self to change history.
Hey ya’ll! Your favorite back-woods, country bumpkin android is back this week with a letter to my past self who is just starting the hobby. Enjoy.
Dear Past Pimpcron,
Yes, it’s me! Your future self! Now I know what you’re thinking, and the answer is yes. Our sexiness IS like a fine wine and it does get better with age. I can’t go down the street anymore without men, women, dogs, and squirrels flocking to me like a magnet. Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable. Nana asked me to come over and watch Netflix with her next week, but I’m afraid of where that might lead. I didn’t return her text.
Hey, you wanna come over and watch Netflix with me and Nana?”
Any-who, I have some important stuff to tell you about the hobby that will make your life much easier.
Priming When It’s Humid is a No-No
I know you just bought your first set of Necron Destroyers and I know you’re super excited to prime them and paint them. But PLEASE check the weather before doing so. You want the humidity to be less than 75% when spraying primer or you will end up with what I ended up with: Destroyers who look like I glued sand on their arms! You fly into a rage and become quite disappointed that you didn’t know this was an issue. When spray primer hits the moisture molecules in the air, they combine into globules that stick to the model. It’s a pain.
Don’t Catch the Kickstarter Bug (Too Hard)
You have known Steve long enough to know not to let him talk you into Kickstarting Wild West Exodus, Dead Zone, and a couple others with him. You will end up playing these games a few times and really enjoying them. You even paint some of the models, but being that Steve is your only friend who plays these, it’s a money sink. You already know that he is about as dependable as a Sasquatch sighting so just say “No”. It’s what the D.A.R.E. mascot Lion would have you do.
Don’t Bother With Vanilla Marines
I know you’re still new to the game and the itch to play is worse than Lice, but you don’t need a “good guy” army to solo play against. You will play Vanilla Marines and be disappointed with how average they are at everything and go straight to Chaos. It doesn’t mean that the Space Marines codex is bad; you’ll meet players later who pulverize your army with them. It just doesn’t fit your style. Despite the common internet logic, you’ll enjoy Chaos much more.
Washes Are Your Friend!
I know you hear about these new-fangled “washes” and they scare about as much as a vasectomy. But when you finally take the plunge, you will fully convert to the Order of the Wash. You will end up dressing in a robe at the mall and handing pamphlets about how washes are the One True Way. You’ll name your first child Devlin Mud. But stock up on the blue and purple ones before GW changes their paint line.
Always Cut AWAY From You
When cleaning flash off of metal models with a hobby knife, but sure to cut AWAY from you. This will save you from cutting your finger to the bone and being squirted across the face like you’re in Kill Bill. I’m just kidding about the face squirting. That would be insane though, right? And it will save you from making your hand covered in scars like Toot Braunstein from Drawn Together.
Go Buy a Hand Drill
Yes, I know that seems frivolous. Yes I know you already own a cordless drill and a bit set. Yes, I know you’ll just barely pull the trigger and go slow. But trust me, buy a hand drill.
Some Stuff is a Waste of Money
Well, if you ask our wife, all of this stuff is a waste of money. Psshh. Spouses who don’t game. Am I right? Anyway, do ourselves a favor and buy your spray primer and Super Glue from a hardware store. It is way, way cheaper than the stuff GW makes and is THE SAME THING.
Always Keep the Army Case Away From The Kids!
You don’t realize it yet, but those Sabol Army Transports you are using are the PERFECT height for your children to sit on. Do no leave them sitting around or your miniatures will suffer disfigurement. In the future you will own many different brands of army transport, but they all have the same issue unless they are hard cases. Literally less than a week ago, I just finished gluing my Dark Eldar Scourges’ wings back on after being damaged in transport (they are pretty fiddly). I let them dry, then placed them quite carefully back in our army case, zipped up the case and forgot to put it away. Our two-year old runs straight for it, and jumps on top of it, hugging it. You cry, she cries, everybody cries as you slowly fish your re-broken Scourges out of the transport only to glue them back together again.
David Will Take Less
When David is sick of playing Necrons and you want to buy his army (to consolidate Necron power in your gaming group, Muahahahaha), be smart about it. You will forget everything your grandfather ever taught you at the flea market about haggling, and just offer him a fair price of $250. David will be excited and say, “Wow, okay! I was willing to accept $200!” You will feel like a rube. You will then look up to the sky and see the silhouettes of Mufasa, Ben Kenobi, and your grandfather in the clouds and they all just shake their heads at you in disappointment. Let him name a price, don’t just blurt out whatever you feel like. Doofus.
Stick With Your Gut Instinct
You will start out painting your Tyranids with black skin, blue carapaces and silver edging. You won’t be completely happy with this, so you will try a couple Genestealers in another scheme. You won’t like it either. Then you’ll go back to the black and blue but feel so-so about it. Then will try a couple other schemes. Still not happy. In the end, you will stick with the black and blue scheme because you will end up with about 1500 points painted that way and have no stomach to repaint that many models that you already painted. In the end, that scheme grows on you and you learn to like it.
Do you guys and gals have anything that you wish you’d have known in the past?
Want to witness my slow descent into madness first-hand? Check out my blog at www.diceforthedicegod.com