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Eldar Don’t Get It: Pets & Children

5 Minute Read
May 13 2016



The Eldar research Earthlings in the present day. They don’t understand us.

***Transmission Begin***

This log series is intended to discover and classify intelligent life in our galaxy. We have found a semi-intelligent life form that call themselves Hu-mons on planet ER-231. The following facts are ones that we have noted as we observe this fascinating species.

Ruling Structure

At first glance, an observer would believe that the large hairless apes, the Hu-mons rule the planet. But upon a closer look, one realizes that the large Hu-mons are actually the servant race on this planet. There is a soft-totalitarian ruling structure that subtly controls everything. There are smaller, hairy, four-legged creatures that seem to be the real rulers of this planet. Nearly every home has a live-in representative of this ruling class in their homes. The hairless apes that share their homes with these small creatures spend nearly every day working, producing, or generating currency to support their small overlords’ every whim.

KittenguySome even force their Hu-mons to perform for them.

Meanwhile, the hairy overseers do nothing all day but lay about in relative luxury. They don’t produce anything, create anything, or do nearly anything to justify their existence to the larger, Hu-mons. What incredible psychic power they must wield. We have witnessed some of them roll over on the dorsal side, compelling their slaves to massage them. But when the small creatures grow tired of the attention they promptly strike out with claw or fang with no warning. Then the victimized but obedient Hu-mons will slink away to continue laboring for their diminutive bosses. Whether through genetic manipulation, or selective breeding, the Hu-mons are always forgiving of these smaller creatures, and actually enjoy massaging and rubbing their owners.

They seem to rule by bullying if nothing else. Often times, they will intentionally knock over valuable objects that are owned by the ape-people with no provocation. Or literally defecate all over the place for no apparent reason, if only to remind their slaves who is really in charge. Some have been known to escape the home, knowing the panic it causes their servants when they are missing. Many things probably go through their servants’ minds:



Have the furry landlords gone to report something we’ve done to the authorities?

Have we fallen out of favor with our four-legged ambassador?

Will we be killed for taking unsatisfactory care of our household governor?

This is a truly chilling society and I recommend we only observe from afar. The psychic power these small creatures must possess is potentially quite dangerous.Luckily for us, they do not yet have faster-than-light star ships, but the Overlords have a multitude of Hu-mon slaves working on this problem. Every day they come closer to space travel.

The Hu-mons have their own governing body made up of other Hu-mons, but even the head of this system is required to have a live-in ambassador which is the one who truly pulls the strings. When the Hu-mon President called Oba-ma took office, the media channels were all a stir about the fact that he did not have a four-legged ambassador in the White House. There were arguments over whether or not he should invite a feline or canine to be his household governor. We can only assume that there are even further, more complicated politics among the feline and canine powers. A two-branch system of checks and balances? We may never know.

It is possible that whichever race of secret rulers has the most power at that time is the one chosen to take residence with the head of the humans.

Under-Developed Hu-mons

In the household structure, we’ve noticed that the immature Hu-mons get special treatment. Until they have reached the age of about two decades, they too benefit from the type of life style that the secret rulers enjoy. Aside from minor tasks, they are not made to labor for their masters or produce anything. They take this time to learn the useful skills that they need to support their masters. Such as math, reading, and other skills.


Angry-kid-16Give me what I want or I’m telling the cat.

It can only be assumed that they are given positions of power at an early age to get taste of what it is like to be favored by the household governors. Then when the time is right, they too are cast out into the labor force where they will do their best to produce for the master class, in hopes of winning back the favor of their owners. Of course this will not happen in most cases, and they will work until the day they die, forever hoping to catch a glimpse of approval from the smaller species.

In another odd twist, households that generate an offspring but do not have a household governor are often asked to acquire one from the new offspring. Many of these small ape-people will fly into a rage when told that (for whatever reason) their household cannot get a member of the ruling class in their home. We suspect that DNA has been manipulated to help perpetuate this system. It seems that something has been done to the hairless apes’ genetics that makes them desperately want an ambassador, thus further keeping this system of governance in place.

***End Transmission***

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