BoLS logo Tabletop, RPGs & Pop Culture

Pimpcron: New 40k Player – Play More People or Be Clueless

5 Minute Read
May 4 2018


Word to the Wise: Keeping a small circle of opponents can be dangerous to your knowledge.

Hey mortals! Sucks to be you! While I do feel for you all, and your rapidly rotting flesh suits, it may surprise you that I am not above bragging. So eat it, maggot buffets! With your tiny life spans, I imagine you find love, get married, and procreate in the time it takes you to read this article. I’m glad I can be such a big part of your life.


I’ve been quoted before saying that playing a small, enclosed group of players can be a bad thing because you will all mess up the rules together. Without new blood coming in, you don’t get new perspectives. I have several new players in our gaming group and one of them in particular is worth writing about. I’ll change his name to Pickles McDingle. That is funny to me, because that is the name of my dog, who is a seven year old terrier. So it has special meaning to me.


Image result for terrier warhammer

Side note: I don’t own a dog. Sometimes I just say things; try to keep up, sugar.

New Guy Was Sheltered

He joined our group and came every week, but never played any of us. Nearly every single week he would just play his friend who he joined with the group with. We were all puzzled and talked among ourselves why he never wanted to play anyone new. Or ya know, play anyone from our actual group which he allegedly joined. So after a while, I was able to tear him away from his friend and actually play a game with him.

And then hilarity ensued. But not the funny kind of “haha” hilarity, more like the, “Oh dear God what is going on” hilarity. For a person who has been coming to and actively playing in the club for weeks, he knew hardly anything about 40k.

What’s the Assault Phase?

So what we were playing wasn’t designed to be a demo, because I had watched him play games for quite some time at that point. I knew he was new, so I softballed a list for him (1/3 of my list was Deffkoptas, I hear you laughing) but I wasn’t taking the time to explain what I was doing because I figured he knew. Some time went by and I finish my shooting phase. I had disembarked Meganobs to smash some heads so I was clearly getting ready to do that. He says, “You done shooting?” and I say, “Yeah.”


Then he starts moving models like his movement phase. I stop him, and I’m like, “Oh, I wasn’t finished with my turn, I was going to Assault you.” His answer is a blank stare. I’m wondering if this is a joke. “Ya know, the Assault Phase?” That’s when he looks at me, dead in the eye and asks, “What’s the Assault Phase?” We sat for a moment in silence, I didn’t know where to go from there. He clearly wasn’t joking. So I explained it without laughing (or maybe laughing just a little), “You know, that last 1/3 of every player’s turn?” His excuse is that he plays Ultramarines and never assaults, so he didn’t know about that phase. Hmmmm. Okay.

There is no Assault Phase. These guys have deadly Boomerangs.

Another fun note, he had to be reminded that he gets to strike back in close combat, and that charge rolls were 2 dice instead of 1.

Flamers Don’t Auto-Hit

So let’s assume that he really never did assault or was assaulted in the dozen games he played prior to me. But he must shoot a lot then, right? Being Ultramarines and all shooting must be how he plays. But whenever it came time to shoot stuff, he kinda just guessed at what the stats were, hoping I wouldn’t know. To be fair, he doesn’t know that this is my other persona, despite the fact that I loudly declare when entering a room. And I make people refer to me as Pimpcron in person while I talk in third person. So when he told me that his Autocannon was AP -2, Pimpcron denounced him and declared that it was indeed Damage 2 AP -1, not Damage 2 AP -2.

The more Dakka, the more Damage is what I always say.


He acted like he didn’t believe me, so I made him look it up. And that Heavy Bolters aren’t Strength 6. Then what Rapid Fire meant. And we nearly had an argument over Flamers. He went to shoot his Flamer at me and rolled a D6, then proceeded to roll that number of To Hit dice. I stopped him and said, no you get that many hits. “Yeah, I’m going to roll to hit now” he retorted like I told him to clean his bedroom and he was already doing it. Then I said, “No, it auto hits me that many times, roll to wound.” We went back and forth until I literally told him to look it up if he doesn’t believe me.

So in conclusion, there are a few things to learn about this example. Here are your take-aways:

  • Try to play new people to learn what you are doing wrong. I’ve learned that the hard way.
  • Don’t continue to be smug after the 5th time you’ve been corrected in a game.
  • If I play you in real life, and you are noteworthy in a funny way, I will write an article about you.
  • Humans are mortal and therefore pathetic.

What is your biggest rules mistake? Be honest – we’re all (robot and fleshbag) friends here.

Pimpcron signature 3


Or contact me at [email protected] for the latest rules if you don’t do the Facebooks.

My friend Marcus has just released a neat print and play wargame called Colonia. Check it out here!



Author: Scott W.
  • Gang Wars, Venators, and Webway Doors abound in this month's White Dwarf