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Pimpcron: Next-Level Tactics

4 Minute Read
Mar 30 2019
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Pimpcron has the secrets the pro’s use to win at Warhammer.

Hello everybody! The Pimpcron has all the answers to help you win at Warhammer. Now, I have to admit some of these are a bit unconventional, but that is exactly what you need to be if you’re going to get the upper hand in this topsy-turvy world. You gotta hit ‘em fast and hard, like my terrible dentist does. I keep telling him that it isn’t normal to lose teeth during a dental cleaning, but he says it’s because I have scurvy.

The Game is More Than the Tabletop Game

Far few players take advantage of psychology in Warhammer games. You need to get into your opponent’s head; rattle them around a bit. Everybody is always concerned with “rules” and “list building” but when is the last time you saw someone bully their opponent? I gotta tell you, when I played high school football I played on the defensive and offensive line. There was some serious trash talking and cuss words being thrown about between 15-year olds. Unspeakable things. Right before the snap, these kids would growl at each other and make vague threats like, “Your school mascot is dumb” and “You’re an odd number jersey? I HATE odd numbers!” We need to bring more of this into our everyday lives.

“Eat dirt loser!”

Say things like, “You worship a corpse emperor” under your breath right before the initiative roll. Phrases like “Your dice don’t match your army colors; pathetic” and “The last [army] player I played ran out of here crying” really give you the upper hand. If you want to take it one step further, grab one of their models and bite it in half, spitting the pieces at their face. Now, some of you might think this is a little brutish, but “all is fair in love and war”. When Albert Einstein said that back in 1982 at the Treaty of Paris, many people thought he was being rude. But no truer words have been spoken, my hat goes off to you Professor Einstein.

Be Unexpected

Nothing will throw off your opponent like dressing as their parent. With a little Facebook stalking, you can easily find out what their parent looks like, and about $50 worth of costume purchases will really get into their head. Better yet, call up their parent and ask them for their favorite phrases and nicknames they use. I gotta tell ya, if someone came in wearing a mustache, t-shirt, jeans, and boots with a beer in one hand asking me if I’ve changed my oil recently, I would just concede. Just based on the research they had done would alert me to the fact that they mean business and I respect dedication.

“DAD?!”

Is the game not going your way? Politely excuse yourself and change into a beekeeper suit in the bathroom. You now officially have the upper hand. Even if you never release the canister of bees you have stored under the table, your opponent will be flinching at any fly he sees, and will have lost his advantage. If the game continues South, release the bees.

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Don’t speak a single word. Maintain a facial expression similar to an Easter Island Head and never communicate verbally. Choose one word that you think they will say during the game and listen for it. After several turns of you being completely quiet, they will be shocked and alarmed to see you thrashing about like a gorilla when you finally hear the chosen word. Keeping an air of suspense and excitement will keep them off balance.

Of Course You Could Go All The Way …

If none of those more subtle tactics I’ve covered are up your alley, teach yourself to vomit on command. It will take some practice, but once you have the hang of it, go into the game explaining to them that you get violently ill when you take too many casualties. They will laugh it off, but remain dead serious. If one of your units takes a heavy hit, hold your stomach and say that you’re not feeling so well, he should back off a little on the carnage.

 

You can’t lose if nobody will play you.

If they don’t head your warning, wait for one of your units to be taken off the board and throw up everywhere. You’re gonna want to eat and drink a lot before the game, so that you might have more than one chance to “dissuade” them from beating you. Works every time.

Now, this was a guide to winning Warhammer, not a guide to making friends or ever being allowed back in your gaming store. You may have noticed a cheeky tone about this article, and maybe the brighter among you will notice that maybe all of this is a bad idea. But you WILL win.

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What Other Tactics Would Grant You a Win?

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