Pimpcron: Random Tables For Gaming

Pimpcron knows you all love a good random table. No, not that kind of gaming table, this kind!

Hey people. One of the reasons why I released my Epic Warplanner book was because I just love random tables. The book itself is full of random tables for environmental effects, warlord bonuses, A.I for enemy forces, etc for use with your *favorite* 28mm wargame. Anyway, I figured you all could use some random tables in your real life too.

Setting Up a Game With Someone

We already trust dice for a lot in this hobby, whether D3 this or D6 that. Why not just throw caution to the wind, roll on this 2D6 chart and text this exact phrase to your buddy.

“Hey friend, want to get together to game?  … [insert random outcome]”

2. The winter has not been kind to my crops.
3. You fill the hole in my heart that no surgeon could fix.
4. Just text ‘Yes’ or ‘No’. Standard text messaging rates may apply.
5. The itching just won’t stop.
6. I need an alibi.
7. The smell in my house is just awful.
8. But its gotta be at your house, mine is crawling with police.
9. It’s the only way to restore the timeline.
10. I miss your earthy musk.
11. They say I can’t donate blood until we do this.
12. I just really need to crush someone right now. Rough day at work.

“Well, I guess I have to tell him that I miss his smell. This is going to be the weirdest Craigslist meetup.”

Getting Out of Games

Next time you are supposed to play against someone who is no fun to play against, just roll and use the excuse you get. It’s easy and believable.

“Sorry, I’m going to have to bail tonight because … [insert random outcome]”

2. they say its contagious and I refuse to stop picking at it.
3. I have to poop a balloon.
4. because nobody posted mine yet.
5. these bodies won’t hide themselves.
6. I don’t like you.
7. Nanna is making cookies and I’m not missing it for this.
8. sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
9. you have a punchable face.
10. it’s my turn to lose the dog and find it again.
11. my computer is on the fritz.
12. I forgot to charge my dice.

“Don’t feel bad about canceling on him. These bodies really won’t hide themselves.”

Cheating Table

Want to cheat but can’t figure how? We’ve all been there. Being a try hard cheater piece of crap is not easy and doesn’t come naturally to many of us. This table is for you. Roll 2D6 and do the thing it tells you.

2. Your models move an extra 2” inches because you place it after removing the tape.
3. Cocked successes are not re-rolled, cocked misses are
4. “Misread the rules” and now your rules go from “wholly within” to just “within”.
5. When measuring for a charge range, be sure to move the tape to “stretch” the range.
6. The weapon your models have are proxies for other weapons, you just decided.
7. When using a Command Point, you only spend the point if your opponent is looking.
8. Measure distance from objectives from the center for your opponent, the edge for you.
9. All your stratagems cost 1 less as long as you don’t check and plausibly “forgot”.
10. Try to re-roll at the beginning and end of the same phase if it goes on for a while.
11. “Forget” about your opponent’s buffs and debuffs, make them remind you or don’t do them.
12. When you pile into melee, be sure to pile in 4”.

Pictured: The pride of people who cheat.

Medical Excuses

This chart is of high importance because it can be used pretty much all the time. This chart will get you out of nearly anything. Roll 2D6 on the left table and then 2D6 on the right table.

Please, please share your medical excuses in the comments. My son and I were enjoying this.

Hey! This article is brought to you by my top-tier Patreon supporter Mike Cowley!

Thanks Michael, smooches!

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Author: Scott W.

Guest Columnist