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What Grinds My Gears: 40K Players on the Net

6 Minute Read
Mar 3 2017
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Pimpcron fires a shot over your bow.

Hello readers. The People’s Pimpcron has a public service announcement to make. Some of the internet shenanigans of you guys are causing me heartburn. It’s gotta stop. Obviously these people are in the minority of us 40k players, but this week we put those people “on blast” as you young folks say.

“Well, This Happened” Posts

Believe it or not, even a dynamically daring, dangerously distinct, and deliberately delicious wargaming blogger such as myself goes on Facebook. And I’m part of a bunch of FB groups that are all 40k related. And an irritating trend has sprung up over the last few months. People will post pictures of a bunch of brand new boxes of GW loot they just bought and post “Well, this happened”.

“Went out for a pot of Agrax Earthshade and, well this happened.”

The first time I saw it: kinda funny. We are long past this point. These pictures often accompany captions explaining that you went out to a GW store on your lunch break for a paint pot and ended up buying $450 worth of product. Another picture I saw recently was a literal dining room table covered in boxes (at least $1,000 worth) because someone got their tax return. Who the hell does that?! While I’m sure you’re excited about your purchases, it makes you look like you make poor life choices. You look like a person who makes huge impulse purchases and just can’t see far enough into the future to save a dollar for when you might need it. Obviously saving money and making a big purchase is a different story. But so, so many of these captions explain a spur of the moment $600 purchase.

While I don’t truly care what you do with your money or your life, I figure that if you’re this type of person, you might not be aware of the light it paints you in to others. I also know many a person who can’t control their personal spending, never saves a dime, and then complains how their life is hard and they got the short end of the stick, blah, blah, blah. Meanwhile they sit on a stack of thousands of dollars of GW product and beg for money from others.

Heresy Memes

If you are on FB or forums, you’ll know what I’m talking about. Nobody can post anything without a string of dozens of Heresy memes. Ya know, 40k has been around for around 30 years, and that meme was funny about 28 years ago. Cut that crap out man. Not really funny anymore. And now, for your viewing pleasure, a string of heresy memes so you know what I mean:

              Post:Hey guys, what paint colors do I use for Night Lords? Any help would be appreciated.”

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Stop it; please think of the children.

Humble Bragging About Your Paint Job

Every day I see wonderfully painted miniatures posted online, and while most of them are honest, a select demographic irritates me. It will be a picture of a model, with seventeen shades of color on it, pupils painted, every pore on their skin is painted with a microfilament brush using an electron-microscope. The painter made a special trip to Jerusalem just to get some holy sand for the base, and for the blood effects he used his own blood. This model is a true testament to what a human can do with dedication, determination, and maybe a little nudge from a higher power. Then I read the caption, “Here’s my model, I’m mostly happy with it, for a quick and dirty tabletop-standard paint job.”

If you look closely, the nose hairs I put in his nose were just a quick dry brush.

First off, listen up. We know you’ve had to take weeks off from your job to paint this. Re-mortgage your house for the Jerusalem trip, and break every human relationship you had to lock yourself away in a tower of painting just to finish this model. Don’t, for a second, think that we are all looking at your paint job and reading your caption while thinking, “Wow! This is just a rough and dirty tabletop-standard paint job for this guy? I can’t imagine what his models look like if he really tried!”

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If your model was any more realistic, you’d have to literally breathe the spark of life in it. Stop the humble bragging, and down play all of the hard work you obviously put into this model.

Pro-Painted ebay Auctions

We all know what I’m talking about. I have just one question: has there ever been a model for sale on ebay that wasn’t “pro-painted”?

One time I saw a “pro-painted” model that appeared to just be dipped in melted crayons.

I saw a “pro-painted” Land Raider that was painted with an 8” roller.

There was a “pro-painted” Ork Flyer that appeared to be painted with a road striper.

I can only assume this other “pro-painted” model I saw was painted with that make-up shotgun Homer invented.

I know you’re trying to sell your stuff, but honesty is the best policy. We’re all wise to your angle now.

Oh No! I Spilled a Pot of Wash!

This is another post that drives me nuts of the Face Books: people accidentally spill a pot of wash and instead of cleaning it up, take a picture of it spilled and post it to social media. They receive sad faces and condolences. Dammit, you’re a grown-ass man. It’s a $6 pot of wash. Go to the store like everyone else for another pot of wash and … probably walk out with a thousand dollars worth of merch.

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Hey, it happens.

Apparently.

Well I hope I cleared that up for a couple of you. You’re on notice.

On another note, take a look at this sketch I just threw together real quick with just a #2 pencil:

~I know it’s not great, but what do ya think?

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