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Humor: If X-Wing Had Power Rankings…

8 Minute Read
Nov 6 2017

If X-Wing had Power Rankings…

Power rankings are a vapid but harmless tradition of the sports blogosphere where the author ranks teams based on how they’re playing this instant. Obviously the number of permutations of X-Wing squads is high enough that it’s futile to do that for X-Wing, but what if we were to do Power Rankings for ships? It might look something like this…

Another week, another shake-up in the world of X-Wing. Your faithful X-Wing Power Rankings Committee (XWPRC) is here to show which ships are putting it all on the line and which are giving less than 110%. We value winners, here, and the FAQ sure gave us some. On to the rankings!

40. TIE Punisher
Trend: steady
Is there relegation in X-Wing? Could there be? I feel like we should be able to relegate the Punisher and bring in something from Attack Wing. Just a thought.

39. A-Wing
Trend: down
Jake Farrell threw out his back trying to carry this ship. He remains in traction.

38. TIE Interceptor
Trend: down
Soontir Fel looked back and forth between Sabine and Cad Bane, then tweeted, “this is gtng out of hand. now thr r 2 of them!!” The Empire responded by suspending Fel’s twitter account. Because, you know, that’ll fix it.

37. Firespray-31
Trend: down
Boba and the Firespray are reverse Transformers: there’s far less to them than meets the eye.

36. Jumpmaster
Trend: straight to hell
Clearly the worst Scum ship in the game now.


35. Mist Hunter
Trend: down
The ship’s fans (all three of them) have gone full reverse-psychology on us in recent days. “Yeah, of course the Mist Hunter wasn’t in Guns for Hire, it’s just that good!” Hopefully they’ll be upping the dose on their meds soon.

34. X-Wing
Trend: screaming into the abyss
Is it too late to rename the game “turrets and bombs-wing”?

33. B-Wing
Trend: steady
Wow, there are a lot of ships in this game. Did you know there are forty ships in this game? More depending upon how you count cross-faction ships! I’m just saying.

32. Z-95 Headhunter
Trend: uncertain
Missiles are good. Missiles are “in”. Headhunters carry missiles for cheap. That makes them… good? The XWPRC deadlocked on the question. Tune back in next week!

31. Scyk Interceptor
Trend: down
Look, if Inaldra’s going to be selfish and only Mindlink with one other ship at a time, we can’t be held accountable for what happens to her in these rankings. You have to want it!

30. TIE Bomber
Trend: steady
Since we’re messing with ships’ upgrade bars now, we propose a revision to the Bomber’s bar so that it carries, you know, more bombs. Our proposal: torp, missile, bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb. That seems fair.


29. E-Wing
Trend: scared
Corran’s been looking at Jake and Soontir, and he knows he’s one point of shielding away from sharing their fate. We don’t like to gossip, but we hear it’s made him jumpy.

28. TIE Phantom
Trend: depressed
In a world where four attack dice and PS9 just aren’t that special anymore, Whisper needs to give more to stay relevant. Up your COMPETE LEVEL, why don’t you!

27. Quadjumper
Trend: kooky
According to our research department, players who field a Quadjumper are thirty percent more likely to have smiles that turn super-creepy after they reveal their dials.

26. TIE/fo
Trend: down
Free gambling tip: take Red Dice (4-4) over Green Dice (3-5). The record isn’t much better, and Green Dice are always a sexy upset pick, but home field advantage is a killer.

25. YV-666
Trend: steady
When are we going to see Ketsu and Bossk take their relationship to the next level? Their tabletop partnership is beyond reproach, and they’re the only ones who can really appreciate each other. You know someone’s fanfic’ed it by now.

24. Phantom
Trend: sliding
Phantom is still a career backup two years after being drafted. The ‘bust’ whispers are getting louder and louder. Phantom insists he just needs his own team to show what he can do, but that’s unlikely to happen at this point, and as long as Ghost is the starter Phantom will stay glued to the bench.

23. Jumpmaster
Trend: reconsidering
Y’know, maybe the nerf wasn’t that bad. This is still a pretty solid ship.

22. TIE Fighter
Trend: swarming
Is it just me, or does TIE Fighter seem to be in poor shape these days? Word from practice is that TIE Fighter has been slacking on its conditioning. I think it’s carrying a few extra pounds. I mean, it can’t even equip Lightweight Frame! Something’s up. I recommend at least three more unique named pilots. That’ll fix it.

21. HWK-290
Trend: up
The pilot skill race is back on—and here’s Torkil Mux, sweeping people’s legs like a Cobra Kai wanna-be. He’s on-track for some fines if he keeps playing so dirty, but the Glitterstim money might keep him afloat.


20. TIE Advanced Prototype
Trend: steady
In his weekly presser, the Inquisitor adamantly denied that his existence breaks the “Rule of Two” Sith are supposed to follow. All we in the committee know for sure is that all this off-table drama is sure to affect his on-table performance at some point. Can the Empire really afford such a distraction?

19. Upsilon Shuttle
Trend: confused
Out of all the variable-geometry ships in Star Wars, this one confuses the XWPRC the most. Its wing positions change from vertical all the way to… 45 degrees from vertical. What does that accomplish, exactly? Inquisitive minds want to know!

18. Lambda Shuttle
Trend: comfy
I rode in a Lambda, once. It smelled a little, but all spaceships have some kind of smell, and it was a smooth ride with all the luxuries. What I’m saying is, I can see why His Darksideness prefers these things over the fancy-schmancy Upsilon.

17. IG-2000
Trend: down
This week the IGs held a droids-only meeting to try and reverse the slide in their on-table performance. Insiders are reporting it didn’t take. All four IGs expressed “disappointment” with their fellows, and IG-88D went so far as to say he preferred organics over his fellow droids. Stay tuned.

16. Khiraxz
Trend: psyched
Can we base our grade on potential and anticipation before we see actual results? It’s never stopped us before! HARPOONS AHOY!

15. Starviper
Trend: smug
Taking some of the luster off of Guns for Hire: Captain Jostero, the anti-Biggs, is being released just as Biggs is nerfed into oblivion. That small slip is enough of an opening for the Starviper to edge the Khiraxz in our power rankings. It’s cutthroat business here in the upper half!

14. TIE Advanced
Trend: steady
We’re past the chaff. If you’ve made it this high in our power rankings, you’re part of the elite. You matter. The TIE Advanced does. That, and we dare not put Darth Vader any lower than this. We’ve seen “Rogue One”, thank you very much.

13. YT-1300
Trend: steady
Just as Rey’s surpassed Han Solo in the movies, she’s dusted him as a pilot in X-Wing. Her crew card is much stronger, too! What we’re saying is, somewhere in the smoke of discussions about Han’s retirement, there’s some real fire.

12. TIE Defender
Trend: steady
The Empire’s “identity” is supposed to be about self-reliant aces whose individual skills let them stride through the wreckage of lesser pilots and ruin them… except that the best Defender pilot, Vessery, is a hopeless mooch. I’ve had enough of this target lock socialism. GET YOUR OWN TARGET LOCKS, YOU COMMUNIST.


11. Y-Wing and TIE Aggressor (tied)
Trend: steady
More agility, or more health? Better dial, or a droid option for an even BETTER dial? We can’t decide! So we’ll take the weasel’s way out. Don’t judge.

10. Auzituck
Trend: apprehensive
Is the Auzituck really this good, or was it only good as part of the Biggs ecosystem? We’re about to find out!

9. T-70
Trend: steady
Some of the ships below the T-70 are there because of inconsistency. The upper echelons are no place for boom-or-bust. That’s not what you’ll get from the T-70, no sir! It is a known quantity. And it’s known… that this is its ceiling.

8. ARC-170
Trend: maternal
Once more, Norra Wexley is showing her kid how it’s done. Snap could still learn a few things from his mom, especially when it comes to flying slow and pushing damage. You show him, Norra! Just don’t expect a mother’s day card. Heck, a phone call might be a big ask.

7. Ghost
Trend: steady
This is where, if I’d cultivated my audience, I’d force a subculture reference—‘80s pro wrestling, perhaps, or early ‘90s hip-hop. Or maybe you’re expecting a contrived pop culture reference in a vain attempt to seem hip. Ha! The joke’s on you! We’re here to talk about the Ghost! And the Ghost… um… is good. Uh, still. Yeah.

6. Protectorate Starfighter
Trend: down
Fenn Rau is not impressed by all this fuss about the Khiraxz and the Starviper. If there’s one thing you don’t want to deal with, it’s a Mandalorian with a grudge. We might be on the verge of a Fenn Rau Revenge Game!

5. TIE/sf
Trend: steady
The month name “January” derives from Janus, a Roman god sporting two faces (one looking forward, one looking backwards). The idea is that the month of January is a transition point where you look backwards into the old year and forwards into the new year simultaneously. What we’re saying is, FFG missed a chance for some magnificent nerd jokes with the /sf.

4. Decimator
Trend: steady
The Decimator is one Sabine/Bane-style crew upgrade away from being a turrets-and-bombs nightmare. Don’t think it hasn’t noticed.

3. Lancer
Trend: combative
The makers of the Lancer-class pursuit craft are continuing to defend themselves in their copyright dispute with Kuat Drive Yards, makers of the Lancer-class frigate. In the latest salvo, the makers of the pursuit craft said that they have proper rights to the name “Lancer” seeing as the Lancer-class frigate is no longer canonical. It was a low blow, a real heel move. Who’s got popcorn?

2. YT-2400
Trend: up
Can you earn a “most improved ship” award if you never really went away? Dash has had his ups and downs, but he’s never been ‘out’, and he’s now most decisively ‘in’. Looking forwards, his best days might still be ahead, and he’s dragging Rebel lists along behind him.

1. Jumpmaster
Trend: calming
It occurs to us that Dengar is still a beast. After so long on top, we think he’s earned the benefit of the doubt. He took a hit, but that just means he gets to hit back now. We’ll leave him here and see what happens.

0. Scurrg
Trend: explosive
The Nym bandwagon continues to gather steam. If the rumors we hear are true, he has more endorsement deals coming down the line. He’d better not let it go to his head, not if he intends to catch…

-1. K-Wing
Trend: triumphant
It’s good to be the queen.

~Agree, disagree – miss anything?

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